BF Is Bipolar/Has BPD

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
BF Is Bipolar/Has BPD
6
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 12:55am
Hi all, my bf (he is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder) have been a couple for the last 3 years and reside together. He is medicated, attends regular counselling, and consults with his doctor on a monthly basis. He is on a disability pension and his physician and his counsellor have determined that he is unable to work. He contributes financially to the household and takes care of the household while I'm at work all day. When he and I first met 3 years ago he told me right away that he was BPD and bipolar. Into the relationship, I discovered he had a drinking problem. Last summer he entered a detox centre and he has been sober for nearly a year and I'm so proud of him. The first 2 weeks of each month he is one way. He talks excessively, has difficulty eating, has trouble sleeping (he can go up to 7 days without sleep and his sleeping meds won't work), is hyperactive, rages at me and then apologies and indicates that it isn't me, it's him and his illness), has trouble concentrating. The last 2 weeks of each month he sleeps a majority of the time, eats quite a bit, is very quiet, lethargic). He doesn't like going out much and prefers to be at home where he says he's comfortable. He doesn't attend family gatherings (he and my family get on well) as she says he's uncomfortable and I don't force him to. I leave the decision up to him and if he decides not to attend I don't pressure him or get upset. He has suffered much rejection in his own life from his ex-wife, ex-gf, and family members and while he is in pain emotionally he is getting stronger with each passing day and he has indicated to me many times that I saved his life and that he appreciates the support that I provide. I attend doctors appointments with him (I wait in the waiting room), I comfort him when he cries and feels so down, I comfort him when he awakes in the night begging me to not leave him or when he has nightmares, I put his socks on his feet and rub his feet when he has the tingles in his feet and the tingling sensation goes away, I don't pressure him regarding lovemaking as he does have times when he is is too emotionally drained or stressed. He tells me at least 4 times a day how important I am to him and that he is in love with me. He doesn't think very highly of himself. He is a smart, handsome man and when I tell him so he tells me that he doesn't know why I'm with him. He is always there for me and my family and supportive as well. I have done some research on both BPD and bipolar disorder and am hoping others on the board can provide me with further insight on both issues along with the best ways I can be supportive. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:39pm

hello and welcome to the board...i'm glad you found us !!!!


sounds like you are a wonderful support system...not many people can handle it.


is there anything specific you wanted to ask?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:55pm
Ok, are you for real??:) You sound like an angel. You have one very, very, very lucky BF!! Take care, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:50am
Thank you for your kind words. I just do my best daily and hope that the support I provide him with is enough (he frequently says that I am a wonderful support). Thanks again, Kelli.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:54am
Hi, thank you for your kind words. I do my best to be as supportive of him as I can and I have done quite a bit of research on BPD and bipolar. Any suggestions on how I can postively cope with his BPD and bipolar would be much appreciated. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:31am

it sounds like you are doing a great job so far....the only other thing i can think of is maybe find a support group for yourself in the area....there was another woman on the board (Bonnie) who was going to help support and understand what her dh was/is going thru.


There is a bpd board on ivillage, they could help you with supporting him in that area (I don't know much about it).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:12pm

Here I am, just happened on today.

You're very lucky to know your BF was ill before you fell in love. This should help a lot of the confusion & anger that can be built. But there will be days, when you're exhausted, you'll react in ways you do not want to. Even if it's just internally.

SUGGESTED BOOKS:

"How YOU Can Survive When THEY'RE Depressed."
Ann Shefield

This is to help prevent yourself from desiring escape from your BF/illness & how to set boundaries for yourself. You cannot allow yourself to be lost in t his illness or you'll start to resent. So setting boundaries is a very important relationship tool.

"An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness"
Kay Redfield Jaminson

She is a theapist for John Hopkins and suffers bipolar. I think she only scratches the surface of the madness, but I think she could not disclose more than what she has because the pain is too much. But it does give you a bit of a window of the pain being felt by your BF.

SUGGEST SUPPORT:

NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness)

~ Family to Family
A 12 week course regarding schizophrenia, bipolar, depression, panic disorder & OCD. So you'll be taking the class with people who love those who suffer an array of illnesses, but you'll see there is a very fine line from one illness to the next. You'll have exercises to better understand what they suffer, you'll learn exactly what is going on in the brain, how to communicate better, setting boundaries for yourself, create a crisis file, what you can & cannot due legally, how to become an advocate for your BF & all about the different types of meds, etc.

=note on advocacy. So why do you only ever sit in the waiting room? I can understand that for the therapy, but psychiatrist? It would be very helpful for both the therapist & psychiatrist to receive your observations. It will also build a relationship between them & to you & I believe it makes it easier for contact in case of a crisis. My H says he thinks his psych is more comfortable when I'm in the session.

His family does not sound supportive. So you need to find out what you need to do to take over your BF's health if he is in a position to not do so himself. You need legal documents to make this possible. You do not want to leave this in the hands of his family if they do not know his desires, may not follow his desires through or who will cut you from information.

ADVOCACY, very important to do/have.

Some NAMI locations will also have a class and/or support groups specifically for Borderline. The Family to Family only brushes on it for one day.

The NAMI chapter near me has Family to Family support groups as well as Dual Diagnosis Anonymous meetings. The DDA meetins are not actually part of NAMI, so if your chapter does not have one there may be a DDA group being held elsewhere in your area. My H is now attending the DDA meetings. He's only been sober for about 2 mos with 2 alcohol episodes w/in that time.

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Something you need to do for yourself and this is really hard and will take a lot of work. You need to come to an understanding he is ill and there is NOTHING you can do for his illness. I believe Borderline will increase the chances of him becoming violent. I'm not all that familiar with BPD, but it does seem to be one of the effects of. There may come a time in your life where it becomes overwhelming and you may need to leave for your own sake.

Now remember, suicide is part of the illness. True, he **may** be alive today only because of you. Love is 1/3 of the most important parts in treatment with this illness. But be prepared to not make yourself a prisoner to this. Understand there just might be a time you'll have to leave, fully aware he may not survive. You cannot keep him alive, he needs to find that in himself. You cannot take responsibility if suicide or an attempt are made. No matter what.

Also use caution. Some people will get so tired of the illness they'll finally say something like, 'fine, just do it and get it over with.' Do NOT, Do NOT use statements like this. From my understanding statements like this is all a person needs to end his own life. (I worked with somebody who finaly used one of those statements & he shot himself in front of her. My H's uncle was challenged as well & he too shot himself in front of his family.)

It is good to hear your family is so supportive. It sounds like you're doing a great job & have a good understanding on how not to rely on your BF. Realizing plans can and will be interrupted.

THREE MAIN COMPONENTS OF TREATMENT:

1. Therapy
2. Medication
3. Love

Bonnie

Started to date H Sep 1991
Married H Mar 1994

Hospitalized once, should have been hospitalized last fall. Was barely diagnosed in November, but I've known for years, perhaps before we ever married. I just never realized how bad it could get until this past fall.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng