More xAP Manipulation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
More xAP Manipulation
4
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 11:45am

Well after a GREAT weekend feeling really good and at peace with NC, I came back to work this morning to an xAP ready to bait me into talking to him, first through casual conversation (didn't work), then through a pity play.

He tells me his mother is sick and may have cancer. I said I'm sorry, but politely exited the conversation. You see, I'm skeptical, because this sort of thing has happened in the past; once when I went NC, he came crying to me that his grandmother was on her deathbed (she lived). Another time his wife--his WIFE--came down with a mystery illness that lasted for months which he needed my "support" to deal with. She's doing okay last I checked. Now it's his mother.

I do feel bad (of course, I'm a sucker) that he is going through a hard time. He told me that he has no one to turn to. Hmm...last I heard he and his wife are still married, and his siblings are all on speaking terms. I simply had to tell him "I'm sorry" and reiterate NC one more time, and he just stormed out, accused me of being cold and heartless yet again, and reassured me that he would have never "done this to me." Should I feel bad about this?? When I look at him I see a bratty little kid manipulating the grown-ups into getting his way. Maybe I should just trust this instinct.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 12:57pm

I hate to be the bearer of bad new, but you better get used to it. Have a plan in place (I think you did a good job this time around), where you learn to turn down the volume of his blah, blah, blah, and eventually you'll be able to block it out completely. Have something else or someone else you can turn your thoughts to, or just immerse yourself into your work so you can always cut him off by saying, "Can't you see I busy?" He's looking for attention and I am sure you were always his sounding board in the past, so he doesn't think twice about unloading on you now. Acting indifferent will have him running back into his room where he can sulk all by his lonesome. I had to do this for months on end until XJAM finally got the message that I wasn't interested in his life. (Fake it till you make it.)

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No. Feel bad for yourself that you have to submit to this nonsense to keep peace at the office. We did this to ourselves and now we have to undo it, KWMI? You can reiterate NC till you are blue in the face but your best defense is not to show any interest at all. You do this by not looking at him directly, have your eyes on your work, the monitor, or whatever else can distract you from face to face confrontations. For instance, if you see him coming, pick up the phone and place a call...or fake that you are placing one. You have to be creative but do whatever it takes to be busy and unavailable for any sort of verbal exchange. It's going to get exhausting and you will be looking fwd to weekends more than you ever did before, but eventually he will get it through his thick skull that Silverdoe has figuratively left the building.

I'm sorry your XJAM is being such a pain in the arse. There's another poster named "Kickhisa$$" who went through a year of this nonsense. Her XMM was a relentless, selfish, manipulator and she would confide in me all the time about how hard it was at work. Well, the bottom line is that we taught them how to treat us, and now you have to UNTEACH them by becoming someone they'd rather not be around. I'm not sure if you were the one who wrote about being afraid that he'll someday be indifferent, but this is what you need to STRIVE for if you ever want to reach your own indifference.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 1:57am

yikes silverdoe

i think it might even be time to break out the good ole faux engagement ring!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 6:19am

Another plus Silver- is that you arent related to him! Seems like everyone who is gets awfully sick with long and unidentified illnesses :)

Maybe he is bad luck!

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 1:02pm

Iggy-hahaha-