Feeling Weird...
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:55pm |
I sat here for five minutes trying to figure out what to title my post and that was the best I could come up with :-). First off, I'm a past poster who has been lurking lately. I have been doing phenomenally (sp?) well for the last several months (comparatively) but things have been a little different lately and I'm worried I'm getting a little off kilter.
I'm sure the stress is a big part of it. I feel sort of like a sissy. No one has died, I'm not getting a divorce, etc. I have two big stressors right now - work and DH's new restaurant/entrepreneurial endeavors. At work I'm on two big projects. One is totally in the toilet but we are firing the contractor so that might help. The other is on shaky ground. Anyhow, I could talk for hours about the issues but, basically, I'm responsible for things that cost lots of money and I'm unsure of my ability to perform.
Second, DH's recent endeavors. So far the restaurant is doing great (4 weeks) but we mortgaged everything we own to open it. In addition to that DH needs to hire another person for his other businesses (karate schools) that we can *barely* afford. Its one thing to manage my own money but its something else entirely to be responsible for the livelihood of other people. We have already had one person quit a perfectly good job to run our restaurant and now we're looking at a second one doing the same thing for the karate school. It really worries me. So far DH has done pretty darn good in business but things are so crazy. I barely see him, money is tight, and we are forgetting all sorts of important things (i.e. I got a ticket yesterday because I forgot to renew the license on my car).
On top of that my middle child (13) broke his clavicle because he was pushed by the oldest child (almost 16). Because of this and some other things we're not sure the almost 16-year-old is ready to drive. We bought him a Jeep but its too unstable and he needs a car (which we can't afford right now).
Thanks if you're still with me by now :-). Now for the BP issues. I've *really* been wanting to spend money lately. I don't need anything. Or I guess I should say I don't need anything small. We need some big stuff for the house but I have tons of "little" stuff and buying more is utterly foolish. I mean I probably have $300 worth of nail polish but I'd happily go buy more. That sort of thing. I've also been having difficulty sleeping (even with Ambien). Of course you can see where this appears to be heading. The spending is usually a good indicator for me. I know if I go see pdoc she'll tell me to cut out the alcohol and caffeine which have also been on the rise lately. I feel like I need to do that before I go see her. That's always one of the questions. I do have a couple questions for you ladies.
First, pdoc always asks me if I have "racing thoughts." I recently read an article about what that means and it was rather different than what I call racing thoughts. For me my train of thought seems to jump from one thing to another so quickly that I can't seem to get anything done. I'll be thinking of one thing and that leads to another and another and two more, etc. What would you all call racing thoughts? You're all probably thinking, uh, your post. haha. My second question might be a trigger so I'm spacing it down a little for those hardcore members who are *still* reading my rambling.
*trigs*
My other question regards self-injury. I think I might be skirting the edge. In the past I have picked at my fingers/toes and clipped my cuticles and the surrounding skin until they were all raw and bleeding. Now I have artificial nails and because they are not sharp I can't "pick" although I've been trying. What I have been doing is scratching (artificial nails work great for that). I get some sort of phantom itch and scratch until my skin is so raw that it forms huge scabs and scars. I have about four scabs on my legs right now. I got a little worried when one of my friends said "oh my god, what happened to your legs?" I wouldn't really say I'm *trying* to hurt myself but, yet, it seems a little excessive and strange. Does that make sense? Opinions?
Morgaine

To me, my thoughts are racing when not only do I jump from one thought to another (what I have heard called "the flight of ideas"), but my mind works a lot faster than usual. I believe that is what makes a manic person talk so fast- their speech is keeping pace with their mind (or at least trying to).
If you are trying to hurt yourself, you may have a different motivation than some. I know at times, I used to crave pain. It took my mind off of the emotional pain I felt.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
((((((((((Morgaine)))))))))) You are very astute at noticing the early warning signs of a manic swing. You are probably right in guessing that pdoc will tell you to get rid of the alcohol and caffeine. The SI issues you discussed are also good indicators. That's how I start and sometimes I catch myself in that stage othertimes it goes further.
Stress is a huge trigger for a swing up or down. So the stressors you mentioned may very well have played a big role in this. Whatever the case may be, you may want to call your pdoc alcohol and caffeine aside. Make sure you take care of yourself. These warning signs are no strangers to you my friend. You've been so good for so long. I'd like to see you continue in that direction:) Keep us posted.
I'm glad to hear DH's businesses are doing well, albeit stressful. I'll send some positive vibes y'all's way to keep the trend going.
Hugs,
Traci
Ya. I may call pdoc. I'll give it a little more time. I'm planning on writing in my journal tonight. One of the problems is that I've been seeing interns instead of an actual pdoc. I always see the pdoc also but only for a few minutes. The interns are nice enough and seem to do a decent job but now I'm on my third one (they switch in the summer). Its a little scary to have to go to another new person. Once I went to one who doubled my AD which caused me to not digest my XR depakote and bad things happened. I guess that's why I'm a little reluctant. At least I'm still going to the gym some. I hired a personal trainer to keep me honest and boy is she tough. I have my 3rd appt. tomorrow. I guess I'd better try and get some sleep.
Thanks,
Morgaine
My take on racing thoughts is that I have a "ticker tape" of CONSTANT thoughts so does that count? I don't know either. I only have racing ones when anxious or panicky but the constant thoughts are just as bad, to me.
Also, I don't SI, I just drink wine to get mellow and a fair amount! Good luck with your pdoc - I hope everything works out!
Hugs, Kelli
If you don't mind me asking. What do you do for a living?
I love wine! :-)
Morgaine
Thanks! Kelli