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| Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:21am |
This is probably going to be a long post... sorry in advance.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was about 15 years old. I am now 24. I spent years in therapy and on mood stabilizers (Lithibid, Depakote) and also took Zoloft at one point too. I stayed on those medications until I was about 19, when I became convinced that they were no longer necessary. (Plus, the side effects were so terrible. I gained 20lbs, had stomach aches constantly, incessant trembling...) I told myself, and others at the time said it too, that it was all just a matter of willpower and that if I wanted to get better, I could do it on my own by hard work. I spent the next two years struggling with erratic behavior and spending (got myself into quite a bit of debt). I can't recall what prompted me to seek professional help again, but I did and my doctor (just a general practicioner, not a psychiatrist) put me on Zyprexa. I stayed on Zyprexa for a few months, but freaked out when I started gaining weight again. The weight gaining threw me into more depression, so my doctor put me on wellbutrin. I've been on Wellbutrin for about 3 years now. The Wellbutrin definitely helps, although I'm still so incredibly erratic. My disorder is progressively getting worse. I go through periods of being completely fine (or at least I think I am fine) and then either mania or depression hits and I can't control it at all. I try so hard. The depression hits me very hard and often I find myself wanting to die, although I tell myself I'd never do that... but sometimes I just don't trust myself. I've been serverely depressed for over a year now, but there are short periods when I feel fantastic.
Recently I had a bout of SOMETHING... I don't know what happened and I am so incredibly ashamed. My boyfriend currently lives in another state. I planned to go see him for about a week in Florida. We decided to go to Disney World for a day. Somehow I decided that I could afford an entire vacation instead, and spent $1500.00. It was like a split second decision. It popped into my head and I booked it about 10 minutes later. (This happened about a week before I was supposed to leave for FL) I was feeling wonderful and excited about my trip. I took my pills religiously all week. When I got to Florida, I stopped taking my pills because we went out drinking. (I am afraid to mix alcohol with the wellbutrin). I was fine for two days. On the third day into the trip, we went out drinking with some of his friends. I'll admit that I became intoxicated, but not to the point of blacking out or anything. We were at a bar in Disney and I got tired and said that I wanted to go back to our hotel. I told my BF to stay with his friends and have a good time. I hopped on a bus and went back to the room. Somewhere between me leaving the bar and getting back to the hotel, I completely freaked out. I started crying hysterically because I swore that (all of the sudden) my boyfriend didn't love me anymore, because if he loved me he'd have come home with me (even though I knew he'd be home in about an hour and a half). The tears turned to rage... I started calling and text messaging him nonstop telling him that we were over and that he shouldn't bother coming back to the hotel because I wouldn't be there. (All of this sounds so childish and stupid) He came home pretty ticked off because I'd told him to stay and now I was mad that he actually stayed. We started yelling and I lost all control. I attacked him. Slapping, scratching, biting... I physically went berzerk. I feel so AWFUL about what I did. He did not attack back. Eventually I calmed down. This isn't something that has ever happened before. I am not a violent person. The argument we were having was so stupid (and we were both drunk). I feel so guilty and ashamed, because I swear that I didn't mean it. I don't know why it happened.
Well, during that trip, my boyfriend and I were supposed to get engaged. He ended up not asking because of the incident. We are still together and he demanded that I get help. I agree. I don't even know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I resumed taking my Wellbutrin, but I still feel out of control. I struggle with many things that aren't related to the bipolar, but that I know affects it. My father passed away three years ago very suddenly. I tried to save him, but failed at CPR... I am haunted by that daily and I feel terrible... I feel like a failure. I have flashbacks of what happened that day and it sets me off. I want to move on with my life, but I feel like I'm at a standstill. I'm lost.
I am desperate for help. I've known for a long time that I needed to get more help, but I tell myself that I can work through it myself, or that it will get better. (It is getting so much worse) I know that this is really stupid, but my main reason for avoiding treatment is because I know that mood stabilizers will make me gain weight. In the past six months, I've become increasingly obsessed about my weight. I think I might be slightly anorexic, but I don't know. It's my impression that anorexic people never eat anything and are bone thin... I eat, just very small quantities and I tell myself that it's ok to diet so much because when I do it, I only eat chicken or raw fruits and vegetables... I tell myself that I can stay healthy that way. I'm not bone thin...I'm 5'3" and about 112lbs. I still feel fat all the time... I feel gross and I pressure myself to lose more weight. I bought a scale and weigh myself every day... if I see that I've gained a pound or more, I become increasingly depressed... It causes me to alienate my friends and family... I feel like I'm too ugly and fat to go out and be seen in public. I get really paranoid about my weight in public... I think that people look at me as a fat girl. I'm afraid that if I gain weight, nobody will love me anymore... everyone tells me I look so great because I lost 20lbs and I haven't been this small since I was probably 12 years old.
I feel like a basket case and I feel guilty for being crazy. My relationship with my boyfriend is on the line and I don't want to destroy it. I need to save the only thing I care about... someone PLEASE help me! I know that I need to go to a doctor, aside from my general doc, but I don't know how to pick one out. The guy I used to go to isn't around anymore. Also, I don't even know if my health insurance covers anything. I wrote an email to them, but they have yet to respond. Do low cost clinics even exist for people with this disease?
I'm afraid that if I lose my boyfriend, I might become a danger to myself.

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Hello and Welcome to the board.
God could not be everywhere, so
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
You need some help, and there is no shame in that. It is my personal belief that the only way to control bp is with drugs, preferably in combination with therapy. Those that believe that you can control it through willpower are terribly misguided, but that's an argument for another time...
If you are worried about gaining weight, there are two drugs I'd like to recommend you give a try. I take Neurontin as a mood stabilizer, and Geodon as an antipsychotic (don't let the latter term scare you.) Neither have weight gain as a side effect, and they have worked wonderfully for me. You might also try Topamax, which often makes people lose weight, but personally, I don't take that one because it is supposed to interact with birth control.
I wish you luck with your bf. Hopefully, he will understand it was an illness, and not you personally, that attacked him. But, if you want your relationship to work, YOU WILL NEED HELP! It would not be fair to him to expect him to live with an untreated bipolar.
I hope I got everything with this rambling post...
I wish you luck and good mental health.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
My bf knows I am bipolar. He says he understands it, but I don't think he does. When we were discussing what had happened, I told him that I took responsibilty for what happened, but in my "normal" state that NEVER would have happened. He yelled at me for that. He told me that there is no justifying what happened. I don't want to take the blame off of myself here, I accept it fully, but I know that the bipolar combined with alcohol strongly contributed to what happened. I don't know how to apologize to him (which I've done profusely), but explain to him the bipolar factor at the same time. I don't know how to make it sound like I'm not saying "the bipolar did it"... clearly, I did it, but I wasn't "me" when it happened... he doesn't understand that.
I'm afraid that I'm having a total melt down. I would love to go to the ER if I could do it privately... I don't want to cause more concern for my family. I feel like I'm always such a burden on my mother. I'm afraid of telling my family this because I am so incredibly ashamed of myself that I even have this disorder. I don't think they know much about it... They think I'm fine, because I LOOK fine. They have no idea how messed up my head is. I feel like I'll be letting them down if I tell them. I don't want to bother them. After my father died, my mother began having health problems. She has high blood pressure and I'm afraid of affecting that. I don't want to lose another parent and I'm really paranoid about that. My family has been through so much, I feel like I'm just contributing more pain to the bunch...
ok, I understand about being ashamed and all....but what if something happens to YOU while in this state...what will your mom do then?
God could not be everywhere, so
If I go to the hospital, my mother will alert my brother and sisters. They will automatically blame my BF (they hate him) for my mental problems. Whenever I get upset or have an episode, they blame it on him. They don't attribute anything to the bipolar. I think they've forgotten I even have it. It's my fault that they hate him. I am so erratic and it makes it seem like he's terrible to me. I think his biggest problem is that he's insensitive.
I'm afraid that if I go to the hospital, they are going to lock me up and not let me out. I'm afraid that once they find out I assaulted my boyfriend, they are definitely going to put me away, if not contact the police! I can't afford to take a week off from work to be committed to an institution. I have so many worries that they are only making me feel worse because I feel trapped. I don't want someone to lock me up. I am reasonably calm now. I feel like sobbing constantly. If I go into the hospital, they are going to look at me and see someone who "looks" fine and I'm afraid they will dismiss me, because I don't "look" crazy. If I go in there and calmly explain "I have bipolar disorder and it is causing serious problems. I need help." I think they are going to look at me and say "Well, you are sane enough to come here and say that, you're fine. Go home." I don't think they will take me seriously. I think that they are going to expect me to be wild and wacky or something in order to believe that I really have a problem. If I go to the hospital, the lady at the desk is going to ask what is wrong... What do I say? I thought that you could only go to the ER if you had a physical injury. The doc that evaluates me is going to ask if I have a psychiatrist, which I don't... Can he still help me? I looked up a psychiatrist on the internet that is in my area. I want to go see her, but I doubt I'll be able to get in immediately. I don't know if I should wait until she can see me. My mind is racing.
Hi and welcome to our board:) I totally agree with everything that has already been said. There are clinics that will work with you on sliding scales, but they often have a waiting list which is the down side of those. The ER option that Donna mentioned is a definite possibility.
Beth mentioned some good non-weight gaining meds, but again a pdoc needs to evaluate you. There are a lot of meds out there and not all of them cause weight gain. I'm on a combination of meds that include zyprexa (weight gaining) offset by topamax (non-weight gaining), depakote, wellbutrin, klonopin and ativan. I haven't had any weight issues with those. Just the zyprexa, and that's why I'm on the topamax now.
The grief issues with your father's passing I can totally relate to as well. I lost my dad 3 years ago and I blame myself to this day for it. My therapist tells me I haven't 'properly' grieved his loss. And there's good reason for that. My life has been out of control for the most part with many different things the last 3 years. Now those things are coming to a close and it's becoming evident that it's time to start the grieving process so I can move on with my life as I'm sure he would want me to.
You have definitely come to the right place. We are here to support, help and offer suggestions to you when you need them. And encourage you to post as often as you need/want to. We look forward to getting to know you more.
Hugs,
Traci
I fully understand your fears about the ER and the stigma surrounding it. I REALLY do. I've been so close to going in on quite a few occasions and only being stopped by my own perception of it. I was afraid, just as you, that once they had me in the ER they would admit me and throw away the key. I wouldn't listen to reason. I wouldn't listen to the people here, I wouldn't listen to my therapist, I wouldn't listen to anyone. I wound up hurting myself both physically and mentally.
Well, about 3 months ago my pdoc put me on lithium because the other meds just weren't keeping me stable. She upped it finally to 1200 mgs a day and I was fine - mood wise. However, I developed a tremor in my hands that really bothered me. So I called her and told her so she decided to start weaning me off of it. A day or 2 after I had talked to her stranger things started happening. I started hallucinating, walking like I was drunk, talking like I was drunk, stuttering, and developed an involuntary jerking motion in my arms.
I was on vacation when all this happened. So as soon as I got home, I called my tdoc and told her what was going on. She was out of town, but had her cell with her. She told me to go the ER immediately. Well, along with all the other symptoms, my paranoia had kicked into high gear. I was convinced she was involved in a conspiracy with the ER and my pdoc to have me committed. So I didn't go that day. But, the next day I decided that I'd take my chances in going. I wanted the hallucinations to stop as they were freaking me out. So, I went in and talked to three or four different doctors/nurses and all of them asked me if I wanted to be admitted and I said NO! and they didn't fight it, and I was definitely altered when I went in. I think the only way, at least in VA, that they can keep you against your will is if you publicly demonstrate possible physical harm to yourself or others. The cause of all of these problems, by the way, was the lithium. I'm off it now.
So, all that said, tell your mom that you have an errand to run if need be. If you are not a threat to yourself or others the ER will not keep you, but they will get you on some meds temporarily and provide you with a list of docs. The ER's are there to help. I doubt they'll turn you away if you go in and ask for help. They will probably have someone from the psych department interview you. I think they did with me, but I honestly don't remember.
Bipolar Disorder is a disease just as diabetes or heart disease and your siblings and mother need to understand that....as well as bf. It's not an excuse you are using, it's just the way things are and will be until you are able to get it under control with proper treatment AND family support.
Sorry this got so long. I hope this helps you a little bit. Don't feel guilty for being bipolar. You are aware that you have it and are seeking help to stabilize it. That's what is key here. Keep posting.
Hugs,
Traci
I'm glad you found us Sweetie!
Thank you so much everyone for your support. I greatly appreciate it.
If I go to the ER, I want to be perfectly honest. I don't want to omit things out of fear that they are going to keep me against my will. If they ask if I'm suicidal, I can't provide a good answer. Do I have suicidal thoughts frequently? Yes. Have I tried it? No. Do I intend on trying it? I don't think so, but I don't trust myself 100% without intervention. I cannot predict my behavior. Would I hurt someone else? No! A huge reason why I think about suicide is because I hurt someone! I feel awful for hurting him and I never want it to happen again, but I can't be sure it won't happen again if I don't get help immediately. Is this reason enough to keep me?
My problems just increased tenfold...
I just called my insurance company and was told that they do not cover mental health... I can't go to a psychiatrist and I can't go to the ER. I have no options! I specifically purchased health insurance so that I would have coverage for any medical condition... What am I supposed to do now? I tried calling my regular doctor and his office is closed. I can't afford to pay for a hospital visit!
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