No more of this!! (trigger, I guess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
No more of this!! (trigger, I guess)
8
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:09pm

Sorry for ranting, I know this will get better eventually but I'm just feeling so hopeless right now! I came up with this idea a few days ago to chart my mood swings on a baseline as waves (so when it's above I'm manic and below I'm depressed) starting out with high waves in the beginning. Then each day it changes color so you can see the progression. It's hard to explain (see below), but my point is you look at it and it's just like... after a month of this I'm HARDLY any better. Up and down seriously 5,6 or more times a day, and not just a little up or a little down, big changes! And any tiny thing can just make me snap! I've NEVER been an angry person but now I'm always so MAD MAD MAD and actually mean to people. Also, anxiety is absolutely killing me. My psychiatrist also diagnosed me with severe social anxiety which is true, I have no friends or relationships and I'm scared to death of them, and he put me on clonazepam. But it's not helping. I always feel tight chested, hard to breathe. Lonely. Soo lonely and lost. And then there's the fact that I go to school in 5 weeks and I don't feel better at home and my mom is my only friend and the only one who knows how to deal with me and I'll have to leave her. I can hardly get through the day! I've been having panic attacks all the time. And then I always feel so fat and gross and hate myself for eating more all the time. I just don't want to go on like this and feel like therapy never helps because of the social anxiety I get so scared and things jumble up in my mind but I feel stupid if I take in things I write down... I can't handle this, I just can't.

oh, and I've forgotten to mention I started having sleep paralysis again. It's like a panic attack in your sleep, so scary!! And there's nothign you can do about it. great.

And just for fun-http://www1.snapfish.com/slideshow/AlbumID=46774712/PictureID=1408910851/a=57298399_57298399/t_=57298399
a look at the beautiful mood chart I was describing. The past 3 days... I know you all know what it's like, I just wanted to share my creative way of showing it :)




Edited 7/14/2006 11:50 pm ET by meggem2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:20pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Meg))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) sweetie, as hard as it is to hear this, the process for the meds to work takes time. And if the cocktail isn't the right one, that takes time as well. I know that doesnt'[ help you right now, and I wish there was something I could suggest to you to help you, especially with the nightmare paralysis. I can only imagine how scary that is. Can you try visual imagery right before bedtime? That might help. Or some other form of meditation?


I know your frustration. I had finally found my "wonder drug" with the lithium until it became toxic in my system and tried to kill me. That totally sucked. But, it works wonders for many other people here.


Just promise me you will hang in there. Post as often as you need. We are here, we do listen and we will help if we can.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:00am

I can sure relate to the panic attacks, both day & night--they just about had me locked in the house not all that long ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:05am

Meg,

I just wanted to send some {{{{{hugs}}}}}}. I was a rapid cycler before finding a decent med combo and anger is still sometimes a problem for me. It took about a year to get reasonably stable although I know it's much longer for some people. You just have to keep trying until you find something that works. Are you on a mood stabilizer?

Morgaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:58am

Thank you all for responding. I know that I have friends on here, but it's just hard for me because I'm becoming more and more reclusive. I don't pick up my phone at all anymore, I'm too scared. I will talk to my doctor about raising the clonazepam when I see him on Thursday. I'm just worried because you can develop a dependence too it and I don't really want to go too high with the dosage... but if it helps I guess I need to.

Morgaine, I'm on 200 mg lamictal right now. And more than likely will be going up to 300 mg next week. My doctor said he wanted to try to get it where I was only taking lamictal. I read that all of the antidepressant effect you get from lamictal takes place by the time you read 200 mg. Well if that's the case I'm going to need something new. It took a year to get under control for you?? I don't have a year! What all did you try and what finally worked?

Ahhh I know I'm a complainer but I just can't even remember the last time I felt normal, it's been so long. I just don't see much hope for feeling normal any time soon.

Have a great Saturday!
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 12:42pm

Meg,

The combo that worked for me was zoloft, depakote, abilify, xanax, and ambien. I recently switched from depakote to lamictal because of the weight gain. I was doing really good the first 4-5 months but now I'm having some issues although I think its due to increased stress rather than different meds. As far as everything I tried, at first, my GP tried 3 or 4 different a/d's but they all made me worse and worse. When I went to a p'doc he started me on depakote with my zoloft. That helped. Then we adjusted the dosages and added the other meds a little at a time. I was stable on those for over a year. I wouldn't say I'm "unstable" now but things are getting a little hairy. Thankfully, I can at least recognize that there are problems instead of blaming DH/work/kids/etc because I'm unhappy or angry.

Morgaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 5:50pm

Morgaine-

How did you become a rapid cycler? I was triggered by lexapro (worst drug ever! and for that reason) I can't imagine how you dealt with this for a year. This morning I was on top of the world. Now... I just don't even want to move, breathe, live, etc. I read that lamictal is supposed to have it's maximum effect at 200 mg so if this is it I'll need to try something new. I just don't see myself being better in 5 weeks :( How did you go on? Do I just have to suck it up and do my best (however terrible that may be) I feel like it will only make me worse to try and deal with a new environment, classes, etc. What do I know, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 8:11pm

Lexapro! Argh! Been there, done that. I think that's what did me in also. My gp put me on it for depression with anxiety. As far as how I dealt with it - I didn't realize anything was wrong with *me* (aside from just depression that is). I didn't rapid cycle for an entire year but I bet it was for three or four months and then down to a low roar once I started on medication. I almost divorced my dh (after about two months of marriage). At the time I didn't know I was bp. I yelled and screamed and cried. I wrote books. I contemplated suicide. I considered trying out for the Olympics. It was a very odd time. Now I get scared when I just get a taste of it. The only tidbit I can offer you is that at least you know there's something wrong and you're working to fix it. You do still have your wits about you - even if they seem rather addled. I'm sending {{{hugs}}} your way...

Morgaine

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:08pm

Meg, you really are in a tough spot right now. I wish there was a magical answer that would make it all work for you.

I hope that you take all of this information to your tdoc and pdoc. Try to write things down to take in. You say you feel dumb doing it, but it may help. I do it often for my tdoc and I will probably do it for my next pdoc visit. My tdoc makes me read what I wrote to her, which feels a little odd to do, but it allows me to tell her things that I otherwise would not. I don't have to worry about missing anything because it is already right there. I often do not do well with expressing my feelings/emotions while in therapy- it takes me way too long to let down my walls. So, I often write when I come home when I am more able to express myself. Then, when I read it back to tdoc, she better understands where I am emotionally. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. Anyway, you might want to give it a try. You may find that it is very beneficial to your treatment. You should at least write down your current symptoms and you fears (about school, etc.) so both your tdoc and tdoc know what is going on with you.

Hang in there- we are all in this together. We'll make it through together. We are all your friends here and will support you in any way we can.

Love,
Peg