An Update
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| Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:06am |
Yesterday was really a difficult day to get through for me. I think I worked myself up even more because I was afraid of the reactions I'd receive from the people I wanted to turn to. I also had moments of pure clarity when I realized a lot of the things I've said and done over the past few years and knew I had to come clean and apologize. I didn't expect anyone to stand by me after all I've put them through. I didn't think I deserved to ask them for help.
My mom and I had a very encouraging decision. I confessed to her how bad the bp has gotten and how much it's affected my life. I told her about the incident with my boyfriend. I explained to her that I needed help immediately because I'm becoming increasingly more paranoid and dillusional. She was very supportive and understanding. I have an appointment to see my regular doc. on Monday and we are going to ask him where to go from there. I also warned her that I don't know what my mental state will be on Monday and that there is a very good chance that I'll deny everything. She needs to be in the room to tell the doctor everything, because I don't trust that I will. I'm not capable of making medical decisions right now.
I have a private online journal that I write a lot of stuff in. A lot of my friends do too. The journal gives me the power to control who can and cannot read certain things. I poured my heart out to my closest friends and the response was overwhelming. My best friend called me and talked to me for over an hour last night. She had no idea that things had gotten this bad. She knew I was bipolar, but she never thought it was a problem for me. I've also managed to alienate most of my friends and I stopped confiding in them, so it all came as quite a shock. I didn't expect anyone to call or offer words of support. I thought that since they "wouldn't know what to say" that they wouldn't bother with me at all... especially since I've been a crappy friend. My best friend even offered to hang out with me (she's a party girl and friday nights are sacred, so I was very flattered), but I was in no shape to see anyone. It was enough that she called and I know she's there for me.
On Thursday night, my boyfriend and I had a huge blowout (which is what made me "come to"). We ended our conversation by agreeing not to talk until last night so that we could calm down and collect our thoughts. Yesterday, I wrote him a long email detailing my newfound insight and the steps I was going to take to improve myself and our relationship. I told him that I took responsibilty for my actions, whether they were intentional or not, there is never a good excuse for hurting someone. Being bp is not an excuse, but it is a factor. By 10PM he still hadn't called. I knew that he'd read the email and I figured that he was incredibly mad or had decided that he didn't want me anymore. He called around 11:30PM. He was more supportive than I ever thought he could be. He told me that when he first read the email he'd gotten mad, but it all made sense the more he thought about it. He told me that he'd stand by me and be there for whatever I needed. He told me that he still intended on marrying me and that he knows and loves all of me. I told him that he's going to have to be patient with me for the next few weeks while I start new meds and try to get re-adjusted. He was fabulous and I just wanted to cry because I thought he was going to leave. He really does love me and I thought that I was an unloveable monster. He is amazing and I am so lucky.
My plans have altered significantly in the past 24 hours. I have been incredibly stressed out about returning to college this fall (from a 2 year hiatus due to the death of my father). However, I'm afraid that if I start college while I'm still so unstable, I'm going to mess up (I'm a 4.0 student). I'm going to delay college until the spring so that I can get the help I need... I know that I need intensive therapy and I think that when things start surfacing, I'm going to be fragile.
I work in the legal field now, but I'm contracted out to a major corporation by an agency that doesn't offer medical insurance. I make great money, but I have to pay for my own benefits. I didn't know that individual plans weren't equipt with mental health coverage. The corporation I work at has been promising to hire me as one of their own, making their medical insurance immediately available to me. However, they are dragging their feet and have been for months. I'm going to start looking for a new job that offers benefits, in the mean time, my mom is going to help me pay for treatment. (The good think about working in the legal field is that the benefits are usually amazing, the firms tend to pick up 100% and it starts immediately... at least in my area) I know I can get a job easily, but I am wary of taking on too much so I'm going to try taking a step down and work as a secretary instead of a paralegal.
I feel better... I feel like I have some help on the way. I'm relieved that I haven't lost everyone in my life. I'm grateful that nobody called me crazy and that everyone took me very seriously. I'm still struggling and my mind is racing, but I'm glad that I have people who can keep me in check until Monday. I just need to get through today and tomorrow... I'm hoping that I'll sleep through most of it.

I'm SO glad your mom, BF and friends support you, bless them for doing so--it can make a big difference in getting back on track quickly.