So much worse than I thought I was
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So much worse than I thought I was
| Thu, 03-17-2011 - 4:58pm |
Today has been terrible. I have nothing positive to say, all I can do is whine about how absolutely sad and miserable I am. I have to see and hear him all day, and I can't take it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've made no progress. Why is it that some days I feel like I can see things so clearly, and some days it's still so fresh and painful? My brain is so fried from stress and sadness I can't even come up with a decent analogy to describe how much pain I'm in being beside him all day. And I have no one else to cry to besides you all. I sure wish I was here offering some wisdom or positive words, but I can't. I'm just a little bug crushed under his foot and I just can't seem to pull myself together, shake it off, and walk away.

I am just so exhausted by all the tears and sadness I don't know what to do. It's preventing me from being able to get up in the morning, get to work on time, produce ANY work. I just feel like a blubbering mass of tears. I'm running out of excuses to tell my husband what's wrong with me, and I know he's getting fed up with it (it's been like this for over a year now). I'm tired of leaving work with all my makeup cried off, tired of being an obvious basketcase to my colleagues. I just don't want to be this person anymore :(
It does get better in time - I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will. Is there any chance you can see about transitioning to a different part of the company or perhaps seeking new employment. I know that it is a lot to take on - especially if you have been at your job for a long time, but it might be just what you need.
Taking a change of perspective might help too - identify what you are crying about - you are on this board because I assume you are ended and want this to be over - if this is true - what is it that is making you so tearful? Bodhi suggested a great way to work on identifying things within us - and my therapist used the same method - get some index cards and on one side - write what is bothering you - (his gloating, the fact that he thinks he has so much power, etc.) and on the opposite side - identify what you WANT to feel or WANT to happen.
Reality is harsh. It's just the way it is. and in the stark, raw, wounded state you are in - sitting there will only lead to more misery. Be active in your recovery and healing. Sitting still in pity-land is more painful than moving forward and reclaiming the power that is yours. Movement is progress.
silverdoe I am so sorry to hear about your day but you are in a very very hard situation seeing him all the time like this
i cant remember:
Power.
energy
i loved that!
I'm so glad I could help ya out M!
That's awesome energy, keep it coming, nothing better than a big glass of reality.
Why in the world we thought our XAPs were 'prizes' absolutely amazes me, and neither were we in any regard. A liar, and a cheater are not on top of the criteria list when one looks for a significant other, yet that is exactly what we opted for, and what we became ourselves.
Sliverdoe i know its hard, i couldn't begin to imagine what it would be like to work with XAP, i had a few run ins with my XAP and i felt sick to the core. i'm going to join in with all the others here and ask that you reconsider your work options. Sometimes we have to make these sacrifices, i recently had to change my established business number, it was a costly exercise, and i am holding off registering it publicly at the moment, which means i lose potential business. I thought about it long and hard, but in the grand scheme of things no amount of $$$ is worth all the devastation A's bring to individuals and their families. Please think about it.
((((Hugs))))
All my love
V888
xxxxx
SD,
<>
A defeatist attitude such as this is not going to get you anywhere. You will remain that squashed little bug until you find the strength inside of yourself to fight back. The only power he has over you is what you are allowing him to have. Our roar can be just as loud as the next guys, but if we get sucked into the "poor me" pity party mindset that bullies feed off of, you will remain