Question...

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Question...
8
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 7:01am

Before I ask the question, let me say that in no way do I mean to offend anyone by asking this. I'm afraid I may word this in a way that might be taken wrong and that is something I don't want to happen.

This question may be a trigger for some, please proceed with caution.

I haven't been here a long time, but for the time I have been here I've noticed that most of the members are on at least one kind of medication, typically more than one. I have also noticed that many of the people who are on medication(s) still have, what I would consider, pretty "serious" symptoms; by that I mean they really effect your daily living. Here is my question- again, I don't mean this to be offensive- what were you like before you took medication?

I guess the reason I am asking that is because although my tdoc, and now my pdoc, feel that I'm pretty "text book" for bpI, I've been very "functional" for a lack of better words. I have never missed a day of work due to bp. I've always been able to complete my daily tasks during a depression and I've never gotten myself into any real trouble during a hypo/manic episode (meaning trouble with the law or massive spending spree). I've never been hospitalized yet (although I came pretty close this winter and spring). I'm not saying my life is perfect and that I don't have issues, believe me I do. I'm just REALLY good at hiding all the crap that is in my head. I'm REALLY good at putting up a front and faking it. DH has no clue just how much pain I am in emotionally most of the time. My abusive past taught me how to hide this very well, so I have been suffering in silence for most of my life. It has gotten to the point that I can't hide it all, especially the extreme irritablitiy, that is why I started with the tdoc, which led to pdoc, etc.

I guess it concerns me that if I've been pretty functional without meds, why take the risk of all the side effects when I'm still going to have the symptoms? (Basically, this is just a ploy to convince myself to stop taking my new mood stabilizer and my old antidepressant, so please just take it for what it is worth. I am still not convinced it's worth it.) I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety and mixed stated (both very short lived but frequent) over the past two weeks and I swear, I am never going to sleep through the night again in my life; it has to be about a year since I did- and the one time I did, I felt like crap the next day. Typically I just wake up a few times per night and fall back to sleep but other times I just can't shut my brain off when I wake up- that is where I've been the last three nights, last night being the worst- not racing thoughts, just constant, constant, constant conversation that won't stop until my body just passes out then my brain takes over again and I wake up...UGH.

Ok, I think I'm done now. Ignore the rant above. The question I asked is something I am curious about if you are willing to share your story. If not, I understand, it is personal.

Thanks for your time. I hope everyone has a wonderful day. It's going to be hot and humid here in eastern PA.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:34am

Peg...its funny you asked...i was just talked to my best friend last week about this very thing...i'm going to be very very honest here, but please don't let it sway your choices to take meds in any way...

BEFORE meds...I was a complete mess. By that, I mean I have done every single BP thing you can imagine...I had sexual affairs...I got in legal financial trouble...I was on drugs...I hurt people constantly, but I had NO CLUE. I was manic and I loved myself and my life...till I hit rock bottom...then I knew something bad was wrong...went to the pdoc I have now, she rxed lithium...during all this I'd been taking Prozac for YEARS for depression, and its what made me so manic. Anyway, I didn't take the Li, I "recovered" from my rock bottom very quickly...made the SAME MISTAKES again...but in my mind, I didn't know they were mistakes! I thought I was living my life to the fullest. Big mistakes too...but I always survived.

Finally, about 6 months after the first pdoc visit, I had my first psychotic episode. Hallucinated...was delusional...not coherent. I was put into the hospital, for the first of 8 times in the last 5 years. I've had other psychotics, manic episodes, and horribly horribly depressed ones...

Now, to your question...meds. I feel in my heart, that meds saved my life. However, I hate them with all my heart. My BP is dxed Ultradian Cycling, treatment resistant...and that is so so so dead on...I've tried every single medication there is out there...every one...from mood stabilizers, to anti psychotics, to anti depressants...to no anti depressants and only a mood stab...or three...that's bad for me...my depression is debilitating...paralyzing...I cannot function, though I always seem to force myself to, through this inner strength thing they all say I have.

I don't take BP meds right now...I am on Lexapro and Ativan...for the depression/anxiety. I struggle with or without the BP meds. Though, sometimes its a harder struggle without them...sometimes.

You have to learn your body, your brain, and your disorder. You will know what you need and when you need it.

I will say this...I have a standing rx for Lithium. I will take it when I need it. Side affects be damned. When you are in a horrible episode, and it doesn't sound like you have had a really really bad one, Lithium will become your best friend.

If you function now, then be very thankful.

Taking meds is a personal choice. Very personal. You and only you will know if you need them. Educating yourself is the key.

Personally, Topamax is a VERY MILD mood stabilizer. You will lose weight on it. That's not a good thing for you. Topamax doesn't do a lot for irritability, and those kinds of symptoms.

I have probably confused you even more. Just trust yourself. You have struggled with the idea of taking meds all along. If you aren't suffering, then maybe you should trust your instinct.

Love and Peace,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:40am

I started showing signs of bp when I was in high school. I would pop in and out of depressions, but what they were was not known. Then, when I was 18 and a college freshman, I one day found myself beside the fountain on the north side of campus and did not know how I got there. It was a big mystery because I did not drink or do drugs. All this time I was fairly functional, but the fountain incident scared me, so I made an appointment with the campus pdoc. That day, I first heard the word "bipolar". He told me to ask if anyone else in the family had it. My mom got mad at the question and said, "of course not!" Nothing else happened for three years. Then, when I was 20, I got a very difficult professor who had a lot of control over my future. Getting along with him was the most stressful thing I'd ever done. Close to the end of the year, I had a major psychotic episode. I dropped out of school on a medical release, and the pdoc said, "without a doubt, you're bipolar." It was years until I found the right meds and was mostly stable, I would say it happened when I was 29. During that awful time in my 20s, I lost jobs, you name it. At more than one point I wondered if I'd ever be able to hold down a job.

You may be better at hiding than me. But, bp gets worse if it's not treated, and you might not be able to hide anymore. Besides, you don't want to suffer. Take the meds!

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:12am

(((((((Peg)))))))) I have to agree with Keli. If you have been struggling with the idea of meds, and have been functional without them, then maybe do a little more homework on the meds and make your own decision.


I suffered from "depression" for a number of years and was in and out of it. I also got into a lot of financial trouble when I was not depressed but thought nothing of it because I could fix it, as I could fix anything. Also when I wasn't depressed my temper was as short as they came.

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:52pm

Keli,

You didn't confuse me at all! I am thankful that I am not in a very bad situation and I am "functional". I do suffer, I just don't show it or try to ignore it. The reason I am taking the meds is because there is that rational part of my brain that knows I am not in control and I have to do it. I take my meds religiously- never miss them. I don't even curse when I take them LOL. Sometimes I'm late taking the afternoon dose of the a/d, but my body reminds me with a little bit of a headache or some other minor reminder. I know I complain a lot about meds. My hang up is all about control. I feel my life has been powerless. TRIGGERS, TRIGGERS. With the sexual, emotional and physical abuse I dealt with most of my life, I felt I had no control. When I expressed emotions, I was told they were wrong. Everything I did was wrong. I spent my life trying to be someone else, running away from my family (emotionally). As I got older and understood or came to realize that I had some mood problems (with my first major depression as a teen), I started trying to run away from myself -now I didn't even have control over my mind- I've felt totally powerless. As I've been going to counselling and trying to feel a little more in control of my life and myself, I still struggle with it, but at least I can see the other side of the coin. Meds, in part of my mind, tell me I am powerless. Now, the irony of it all is that the meds, in reality, are what I NEED to finally GAIN control over part of my life. The rational side of my brain knows this- the emotional side fights it (great, now I sound like I have multiple personalities, too).

I just started taking the topamax on Fri. and I call the pdoc on Mon. with two questions about side effects: vision problems (did he encounter any, since my lupus meds can cause them too), and weight loss. I did not realize until I got the rx filled, that weight loss was very common with this med. When I found out, I wanted to make sure the pdoc knew my weight situation. My message stated that I am at the very bottom of the weight scale for my height and that tdoc had threatened to admit me for anorexia. When he called back he said he would definitely keep an eye on me. I was proud of myself for being honest with him. I know if I tell tdoc (and now pdoc) about something, I have to watch my step...it's a way to keep myself in check when I don't trust myself.

Anyway, thanks for your input and for sharing. I know this is all a learning experience and even when I learn, what works today, may not work tomorrow.

Peg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:01pm

Hi Beth,

Thanks for sharing. I first saw a tdoc in college, who sent me to a pdoc. I started on prozac, which made me manic, but I had no idea that's what happened; I just knew I was happy again!

The only reason I am good at hiding all of this is because of my upbringing. My survival technique was to separate my physical from my emotional self (for a lack of better explanation). I can shut out physical and emotional pain very easily. The physical pain- the feeling- can be shut out, but my body still responds to it (when I broke my arm in two places two years ago, I blocked out the pain, but my body basically went into shock). So, that is how I can hide it. I've only come to realize that now. Since I'm aware of it now I try not to do that as often because I know it is not a good coping mechanism.

I am taking the meds. I know they are the best thing for me. I know I can't control this disease anymore. It is getting out of hand and I want to try to prevent being hospitalized (which almost happened this winter and spring).

Hugs,
Peg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:20pm

Hi Traci,

Thanks for sharing your story. It may sound odd, but reading everyone else's story, helps me to better "see" what my symptoms have been over the years. I started with depression in my preteen/teen years and, looking back over my history, I can see hypo/manic stages that I didn't realize that is what they were.

I say that I am functional...but that doesn't mean I'm easy to live with or that my life is good. It just means that I haven't been bad enough to miss work or be hospitalized...which doesn't mean a whole lot. Dh and I were talking last week before I went to pdoc. He doesn't really want to accept the dx but I asked him if he's seen any behaviors or noticed any changes. He admitted that there have been times in our marriage that I have definitely been very energetic and well, there is an affair in there, and a time where I just up and left for Michigan for four days. He also said that over the last two years things have really become noticable. I am very short tempered, very irritable, crying a lot more for no reason, staying up too late, not sleeping, well, you get the picture. I know seeing the pdoc was the right move. I know going on the antidepressant was a stupid move on my part. I know I need the meds- they are the only way I am going to gain some control back over my life. My mind spins now- I never have any idea whether I am going to be up, down or both. I know I can't fight this anymore and I know I am kidding myself by saying that I am functional. My family is suffering- especially my kids. I've put my husband through h*ll, I have no idea why he is still with me. I think the only reason he is here now is because of the kids. I am sticking with the meds, and with the pdoc. I often feel that taking medication is telling me that I am powerless over something in my body or mind, but I know, for sure, that by taking the meds for my bp I may actually gain some power back in my life.

Thanks for listening. I responded to some other posts with other information, too, if you are interested.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Were you able to talk to your tdoc?

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:30pm

Peg,

I understand what you mean but not showing your feelings/how bad it really is and such. My dad doesn't believe in showing your feelings at all which is essentially how I was brought up.

Honestly, though, I don't think I could live this way. I just hope that some sort of medications level me out because if not... I just don't even want to think about it. This morning I was screaming songs dancing around the house and had music blasting, I couldn't have concentrated on anything for the life of me. Then I was designing underwater living bubbles for when there's global warming and there's not enough land to live on. I thought I was queen, and above the entire world. Then the past few hours I've been crying non-stop, I couldn't get a thing productive done if I had to.

Anyway, there's just no way I could get by without meds. I think I would just give up all together. I think if you can function without the meds and are having trouble with side effects, all the power to you! But if you can feel better with the meds, I don't see why you wouldn't want to.

I hope you're having a good day.
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
In reply to: peg_t
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 7:42pm

My bp symptoms started after a traumatic brain injury about 5 years ago. I don't know if I was bp before that or not - maybe a little. Certainly I was depressed. I've been on and off a/d my entire adult life. Now w/o meds I'm nuttier than a fruitcake. I drink massive quantities, take strangers to bed, stay up all night writing books, etc. When I'm not depressed and crying my eyes out. My bp still interferes with my life (sometimes a lot) but nothing like that. A day or two here and there. A few episodes. When things start sliding pdoc usually tweaks my meds and that helps. I'm on 5 btw. I wouldn't give them up for the world. I still have issues but nothing like before. I also "pretend" about how I feel. I can hide things really well but its very taxing and its no way to live IMHO. The meds make me feel like I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I can just relax and be who I am. I don't have to bite my tongue and grit my teeth all the time. Anyhow, hope that helps. Taking meds is a personal decision but, like I said, I'm keeping mine.

Hugs,
Morgaine