Rock Bottom (Trigger, Trigger, Trigger)
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:48am |
I went to the doctor last night. I took my mother with my so that I made sure he knew everything. It was awful having to tell my doctor how I really am. I am so ashamed of myself. I hate who I am. I am so ugly, both inside and out. I am bipolar. I am anorexic. I am psychotic. I am neurotic. I am insane.
He put me on Topamax.
An hour after my doctor's appointment, my mother left for Canada. She decided over the weekend to take a vacation on a whim. She said she wasn't leaving until Tuesday. I guess she couldn't stand me anymore either.
My boyfriend has barely spoken to me. He says that everything is alright, but I can hear it in his voice that it isn't. I know him. He told me yesterday that he's coming home this weekend. I told him I'd fly out to meet him in Orlando this Friday so that we could drive back to PA together. He lightly discouraged me... I booked a flight. I know he doesn't want me anymore. He hates me. I have lost him. I've lost everything.
I was supposed to start school this fall, but I know that will never happen. My boyfriend goes to Penn State. I applied there and was accepted. He asked me to move in with him. He told me he wanted me with him. I made all of the arrangements. I paid my deposits... picked out my classes... opened a new bank account... registered for summer classes. Three weeks before I was supposed to move there for summer classes, he decided he didn't want me there anymore. I didn't go. I am still so crushed about that... I'd gone and bought a half dozen penn state shirts, car decals, belly rings... I was so excited. He'd even taken me to look at apartments... I really thought things were going to work out. He didn't want me. I went and registered at Temple... but I don't want to go there. I don't want anything anymore.
My dad is dead. Why put ourselves through this pain when we could all easily be together? Being alive doesn't make any sense to me. I feel responsible for his death. I never felt right about leaving him there in that cemetary alone. I should have laid down beside him.
I will never be enough for anyone. I wasn't enough to save my father. I'm never enough for my boyfriend. I'm a constant disappointment to my mother, who I disgusted so much had to leave immediately after my doctor's appointment last night. My best friend called Friday night and I confessed everything to her... I must have creeped her out too because I haven't heard a peep from her since. I am a burden to society. There is no help for me. I reached out and every hand welcomed me, then abandoned me. I don't blame them. I am a wicked monster.
I feel utter remorse for being who I am. I am sorry I turned out this way. I know that so much more was expected of me.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO FEEL BETTER.
TELL ME HOW TO WANT THIS LIFE.
There is no help for me... no insurance to pay for care... no psychiatrist... no pills to sedate my emotions... I'm not even worth saving.
I love them all... I truly and honestly do. I am just an obstacle. They have their own lives. My boyfriend said it himself last night. I was crying because I couldn't believe my mom left. I really needed her and she sat there as I told the doctor that I was severely depressed... She knows how bad things are and she just left. My boyfriend said that she has her own life outside of me. I understand that and under ordinary circumstances I'd encourage her to go... but I don't have anyone else and this is the worst it has ever been. My inner self is telling me one thing, but my urge is going to take over... I HAVE NO CONTROL. I can't shake these thoughts in my head... they would seem so ghastly to someone else... but right now they look like my only escape.

Oh honey. I feel like you just wrote something I wrote before, now...always.
I know how you feel, in so many ways. I lost everything to BP too...my dh, my dog, my family life with him and my ds...my so called friends...so yes, I know how you feel.
I too have the "thoughts". Thoughts that never stop and never ever go away...they just race and race race...I hate that part.
But, you ARE worth something in this world. I promise you, you are. Your bf may not be the right one for you right now...I am trying to come to terms with that too, with my dh. Its not easy.
I am about to lose my mother. She is only 54 and has Alzheimers, renal failure, very severe diabetes, you name it...it kills me too.
Please, please, please try to stay safe. And know that we love you here!!! To us, you are worth EVERYTHING! We're here for you too.
Posting, writing it out, helps a lot.
Let us help you. Let us be there.
Love and Peace,
Keli
((((((((((((((((((Sweetie)))))))))))))))))))))) I echo what
Aw I'm so sorry! Your mom probably didn't leave because she couldn't stand you. Your boyfriend probably doesn't hate you. And I don't think you're responsible for your dad's death. I know that's probably not something you want to hear but I thought I'd tell you anyway. Hang in there, everything will work itself out. I'm going to give you some advice, you can try it, I don't know if it will help or not. When I feel like that I like to lock myself in my room with the lights off and watch movies all day. And burn incense. I don't know. You're gunna get through this, I promise. I'm here if you want to talk about stuff k?
Amy
**Amy**