i feel horrible (trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
i feel horrible (trigger)
6
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:19am
he said that i had gotten so much worse and now i feel terrible. he said i probably wouldn't make it to college. he put me on LITHIUM!!KIK@_RI_@Q Don't people on lithium gain a ton of weight? I told him I would cut off the fat and kill myself. Weight is my ULTIMATE trigger. I hate weight gain, evne a pound. I hate this so much why did he keep me on it and what am i supposed to do. i'll be a fat college drop out. life wasn't supposed ot be like this :( a few years ago i was fine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:09pm

Meg!!! I am a bit concerned about this pdoc. PDocs aren't supposed to make you feel that horrible about yourself, at all.

Have you considered going into the hospital? I know that's scary...but you are in a very very bad place right now...please don't hurt yourself. Okay? Can you promise me that?

As for Lithium, NO YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GAIN WEIGHT ON IT! I did, but I ate my way through 2 years!!! I gained 40 pounds, but its NOT ALL due to the Lithium. I'm losing it now...slowly.

Weight too is my biggest trigger, so I totally totally get it. I know what you mean, and how you feel...but sweetie, you HAVE to get stabilized. You seem to be in crisis mode right now, and for those of us with rapid cycling, like you and me, that's a BAD place to be.

Please keep posting, so I will know you are okay.

You can SOOOOO make it through college. Never ever let a pdoc tell you that again! You are strong, and YOU WILL make it...I have, and I have been to hell and back with this stupid BP crap.

Love you,

Keli

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:07pm

Meg,

I agree with Keli that a pdoc should not make you feel bad about yourself. I'm also concerned, that if you actually did tell him that you would cut the fat off and kill yourself, that he did not respond to that, especially with your current mood state. I'm thinking he should have been a little concerned about that statement.

Do you think it would be a good idea to go in patient to get yourself stabilized? We are all worried about you, Meg.

You need to do what you feel is best for you to do in regard to college. If you feel you can handle it, then go ahead and go for it. If you feel you need some more time, then take it. In my opinion, the first thing you need to do is get stable and find the right coctail that works for you.

I'm learning a lot about meds through reading posts here and reading web sites about bipolar disorder. It seems to be a major trial and error system and even when you find something that works, there is no guarantee how long it will work.

I wish I could be of more help to you. Just know that we are here for you and care about you.

Love,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:14pm

(((((((Meg))))))) I'm with Keli all the way on this one sweetie! I'm VERY worried about your mood right now. Your pdoc had no right telling you what he did about the college issue. My tdoc seems to think that actually helps, as it gives me something to actually focus on. I tend to agree with her. I think that's why the past few months have been so shaky for me, that plus a couple of other things.


But, reading your post, like Keli said it sounds like you are in crisis mode and I've been there. I handled it poorly and didn't go into the hospital when I probably should have. I could have saved myself a LOT of emotional pain. But, I was stubborn and bull headed and knew more than the docs and the people here that actually cared about me. Boy was I wrong. When they say that is probably the best place to be at that moment, they usually know what they are talking about.


I finally went to the ER 2 weeks ago after a week of hallucinations among other things convinced I was having a breakdown. People kept telling me to go and I fought it tooth and nail, but I finally promised a few people that I would do it and it was a good thing I did. I found out the cause of the problems and it was one of the meds I was on. The hospital is not an evil place. They really only want to help you. After my experience, I think if I get into trouble again I'd be more agreeable to going than I have been in the past.


Please, please, please consider going to the ER. If you don't just keep posting here to let us know you are safe. We do all care about you very much. I also would start looking for a new pdoc. He/she had no reason to be as negative as he was. Knowing how unstable you are right now he/she should have known that would only set you off more.


Stay safe.


Peace, Love & Light,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 7:23pm

Wouldn't make it in college? What a putz! Sounds to me like he doesn't have much faith in his ability to ease your symptoms. Anyhow, I'm glad you went to see a pdoc. I've never been on Lithium so I couldn't speak to the weight gain. I did gain a fair amount on Depakote but it was worth it to me because it made such a tremendous difference in my quality of life. I know weight is a big trigger for you. Maybe you should consider therapy in conjunction with your meds. Just an idea.

{{{hugs}}}
Morgaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:26pm

Hi-

I'm going to be ok, really. I was in a terrible depression this morning and my very first mixed state (wow those are bad) this afternoon. Then I slept a few hours and woke up ok so far...

I made my pdoc sound really bad, but he's not at all. He's been practicing 30 years, obviously a very smart man, and he's very compassionate, too. I trust what he is doing, even though I may not quite agree. Afterall, he is the one with the medical agree (which doesn't always mean something, but he really is very intelligent). Anyway, I'm upset about the possibility of weight gain on lithium, but he did say if it came to that we'd "work it out".

As for college, he didn't say I could never go. He just said he would question whether or not I should pack up and head out on my own in a month, which I totally agree with. I don't want to be at school, miserable. I'm going to do my best to defer a semester, because I still really want to go, I just think that right now it is a bad idea. From what I've heard, ultradian cycling is extremely difficult to get under control. I just want to give my pdoc the time to figure it out and feel GOOD and NORMAL and then worry about my future, instead of trying to deal with them both at one time, you know? I still honestly believe that I'll find the right meds and be able to deal fine, but I don't think it's going to happen in a month. Oh well, if I have to give up another semester of college... worse things have happened.

I don't think I need to be hospitalized quite yet. It might help get me more attention faster, but then again... I've spent a little time in hospitals and I just hate them :( I know that's a bad reason not to go but... I'm not yet a danger to myself I'm just cycling really fast and have been in so pretty bad (yet not COMPLETELY unbearable) places. I think it's just finally come together. On lamictal it was no big deal... oh yea, I'm depressed but every now and then I've got a little hypomania. Now it's like lithium, mania... it's just real, and I don't like it (but I'm gonna beat it!!)

Thanks for your support everyone,
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:51pm

Meg,


You know your pdoc better than