Pain, pain, and more pain...triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Pain, pain, and more pain...triggers
3
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:26pm

I am in so much pain right now. I'm in the middle of a 2 week (so far) Fibro flare after not having many problems for months. Its horrible. My hands hurt so much I can barely use them...My muscles hurt...my joints hurt so bad (though they say I don't have RA - still don't believe it. EVERYTHING hurts. Hot baths help a lot...I took two last night. Sitting at work hurts, because my neck and shoulders just ache like crazy.

Sick of it.

As for my BP...well. I'm okay, after increasing my Lexapro last week. Pdoc finally okayed it, thankfully. I still get down, but it doesn't last as long...I am pretty manicky feeling most of the time, but I will take that over the depression. My depression hits me so hard...I get so suicidal in a matter of minutes.

I've been learning and practicing DBT. Dialectical Behavoir Therapy. Its designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, which I am finally accepting that I have and trying to do something to help myself. Its working. Its tough therapy...and is hard, and triggering at times. But to work, its gotta be truthful, and sometimes the truth about ourselves is hard to look at in the face!!!

Anyway, I'm also learning to love being by myself. Sometimes though, the loneliness gets so hard to bear. I guess its getting easier as time goes on, just like everyone says it will.

Last night, I had the best night all by myself...bubble bath by candlelight, cleaned house, made myself a real dinner, read a book, watched tv. Then all of a sudden, depression hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I cried hysterically. But I let myself cry...I let myself feel the emotions...every single one of them. I acknowledged them. Then, I let them go. That's part of DBT. So, I got up, with red swollen eyes, and went to my car, and drove around the block. I felt better then.

I'm trying very hard to get myself together. In real ways. Not just the Stupid BIPOLAR!!! Bipolar does not define me. So I have to release some of its hold on me. Does that sound crazy? I lost way too much because of BP, Borderline, SA, SI, being suicidal, in and out of the hospital...I just refuse to lose any more of my life to a disorder.

Yes, it sucks. Every day it sucks. But, we aren't given a choice, so we have to fight and stay as strong as we can!!!

There are a lot of new people here who don't know my history...and are going through thier own struggles with BP. If I have learned anything...if I could go back and CHANGE ANYTHING, it would be fighting it harder. I'm not saying that its easy to fight every day. Not at all. But maybe you know what I mean. There are many times I gave up. I will never EVER give up again. No matter what.

Fight. As hard you can, and as hard as you have to. If that means going to a new pdoc, or trying another med, or NO meds, or going in the hospital, do it. Life can still be good.

Love to all,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:14pm

(((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))) I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are perhaps one of the strongest people I've come to know. Even in your own personal hell you have found it within yourself to provide inspiration to those of us here who either have lost or are losing faith in this struggle.


I'm glad that you were able to let yourself feel and express your emotions last night. My tdoc has been trying to get me to that point for going on 3 years now. It's no wonder I feel like she's getting frustrated with me. Reading your post put some perspective on it.


So hang in there hon. You're doing what's best for you and right now that's all you can do. You're doing a great job, despite the mood swings. And, yes you do have an inner strength that many of us wish we had.


Peace, Love & Light,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:35pm

Keli-

You are so brave and strong, I only wish I had your strength. I can't imagine cycling like me and never finding help for it and still looking forward to the future. You are an amazing person and I only wish I am like you in the future!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:48pm
Hi Keli, I am sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Can I ask what this is:
I've been learning and practicing DBT. Dialectical Behavoir Therapy.
Or is there a site for it? I would be interested in learning something that could help. Thanks and Many Hugs, Kelli





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