No support? (trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
No support? (trigger)
7
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:51am

I'm going through a really rough patch. I just started meds and therapy.

In his time of need, I have always been incredibly supportive of my boyfriend. I've always WANTED to be there for him. There are times when I've literally dropped what I was doing to drive three hours to be with him for whatever reason. He is not bipolar, but he has his own issues. He recently went through a lot of things and I think I did a really good job of being his rock.

However, now that the time has come for my need for support, he is failing me miserably. Our relationship isn't the greatest right now, but it wasn't either when he needed me either... I was able to set that aside so that I could help him though. He's not doing that for me. It's making me so much worse. I know that I hurt him... it wasn't intentional and I'm so very sorry. I desperately just need him to be compassionate, but he's stone cold. He's actually in Orlando right now. I'm in PA. He completed his internship on Monday, which means he could have driven back to PA anytime since then. He's known since last week that I'm having really bad episodes. He also knows that my mom isn't around, so I have nobody to turn to for support. Instead of coming home, he's chosen to stay in Orlando until this weekend to hang out with his fellow intern buddies for the rest of the week. This isn't what bothers me... What bothers me is the fact that he doesn't even SOUND supportive on the phone. He barely calls and when he does, he's so dull and I know he doesn't want to be talking to me. It makes me feel terrible and worthless. I don't understand how he can act this way. How can he be so cold when he knows I'm so unstable?

I ate a small bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast this morning... I feel guilty. I cannot have anymore today... my stomach hurts anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:06am

imo, its time to re-evalutate this relationship and you really need to decide if this is the person you could spend the rest of your life with.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:18pm

(((((((((((Sweetie))))))))))) I was locked into a marriage for 7 long years where I received zero support in the emotions department. Now, 6 years after the demise of my marriage I get to watch that miserable sob treat his children the same way he treated me. All he cares about is himself, how much money he can spend on his things, how many girls he can score with, etc. Not how often he can see his children, what kind of quality time he can spend with them, or how he can better support them.


I've been in therapy off and on for the past 6 years and only in the past 1 to 2 years have I been able to see him for the narcicist that he is. Had I been given the opportunity to see this behavior before I married him, I may not have married him. Granted, I would not change it now if I could because I have 2 beautiful children that this man fathered.


But as I see it right now, in your situation, there are no children involved. It is just you and him right? Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with a man who cannot or simply will not support you? Donna's right, it doesn't matter what you have done in the past......it's history. You are able to provide support for him. Yet, in your time of need he's off galavanting with his buddies living it up in Florida. Give this one serious thought.


I know you feel like he is your one source of support that you can count on right now. But sweetie, it may not be IRL, you've got us here. And, the next time you talk to him ask him why he is so distant. Get him to answer your questions/suspicions. There's no need for you to continue adding stress to your condition by worrying about this. It's only going to make the depression worse. Take it from one who knows. I'm going through my own situation where my ex is causing me a lot of unneccessary grief. And I'm working with my tdoc to get through it so I can hopefully get back on track. I've recognized the source, now I need to fix it. Just as you've recognized the source, you need to figure out what you need to do to fix it.


Sorry to be so blunt, but I know you've been struggling with this for a while now. I, as do many others here, just don't want to see you set yourself up for an even bigger hurt. Remember we are here to support you. We care about you and will offer our suggestions and experiences to try to help you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.


Peace, Love, & Light,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:55pm

I think the reason he is being like this is because he feels guilty. He KNOWS he should be here, but he doesn't WANT to be and as always, he has to come first. He's finding any reason he can to justify staying there. "She's being a B...." You know what he'll say if I bring this up? "You never ASKED me." First of all, I want him to enjoy his life and be happy... sure I wish he was here, but his happiness is important to me, so no I didn't ASK. I would be FINE if he CALLED and SOUNDED NICE. Second of all, wouldn't it be a pleasant surprise if he blew me out of the water by showing up??!?!?! I already told him that I'm not coming to Florida, giving him ample time to hop in his car... not that I expect him to. Thirdly, we don't always know to ASK for help or how to go about doing it... it's a lot harder than he things. It was so difficult for me to sit across from a complete stranger and admit to him that I knowingly starve myself as punishment! He doesn't understand :(

Would it be so hard for him to go the extra mile? Right when I got back from FL two weeks ago, I stopped at the store and picked up a greeting card. It was simple "I love you"... I wrote him a note and dropped it in the mail... I thought it would be a nice gesture and it would be a sweet surprise. Would it kill him to send me a sappy text message or even one that asks how I'm doing? It would cost him 10 cents! I don't expect him to reciprocate every gesture I make, but he could try every now and then. He is the world's crappiest boyfriend.

I am afraid of making any harsh decisions. I want to wait until next Wednesday to talk to my therapist about all this. I want to make sure that I'm not being stupid. I'm really hurt and I feel so insignificant. I don't know if I'm in the right mental state to leave him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:28pm

Do what you feel is best. I would definitely recommend sticking with your plan of talking to your tdoc. Just try not to endure anymore emotional abuse from this guy until then. Easier said than done most likely, but try. From what I'm hearing it sounds like he's playing you like a fine instrument and you deserve far better than that.


So, hang in there until you meet with your tdoc and keep posting. We're here for you and will help you out any way we can. Stay strong.


Peace, Love & Light,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:30pm

Okay, let me play devil's advocate for a minute--is your bf always like this pretty much, or is this a relatively new occurrence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 9:02pm

Let me give you some background on my boyfriend...

We started dating when I was 17 years old (24 now). I'd been diagnosed with BP at around 16. It was really hard for me to tell him about the BP, because he was the first real boyfriend I'd ever had... and the first person I'd ever told. His response "That's not a real disease. If you wanted to, you could feel better. You just like being depressed." (No joke!) I stayed on my meds for two years. I gained a ton of weight and grew to feel really bad about myself... and I started to believe him... I convinced myself that bp wasn't real and that I could make myself better. (This resulted in a lot of debt) I stayed with him for five years. Eventually he came to admit that bp was a real disorder and I went back on meds, but I refused to take mood stabilizers because I didn't want to get fat again. My bf is a health freak. I became very paranoid about my appearance because he was so strict about his... Anyway... to make a long story short, I broke up with him after dating for five years. I was unhappy and didn't think our relationship was really every going to go anywhere. I was also very unstable due to the loss of my father.

Two years passed...

This past Christmas, my family received a christmas card from my bf. I decided that perhaps enough time had passed that we could talk. I emailed him. He called. We found our way back together.

I just don't get it... if your significant other called you and said "I need to be with my dead father. I can hear him calling me" Don't you think you'd take some action? If you love'd them, wouldn't you rush to be with them? At the least, wouldn't you offer to be with them? Wouldn't you call later to check up?

I'm trying so hard not to make an impulsive decision, because I don't want to regret anything, but I am fighting the urge not to kick him to the curb. How can he possibly love me? Partying with his buddies is more important than my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:44pm

Sweetie, he may be fighting a lot of conflicting things in himself and just doesn't have it in him to support you now--whether he ever will is the unknown.