self imposed DDay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
self imposed DDay?
11
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 2:52pm

I have heard some say that once the A is over and we are healing we should confess to our spouses that we were unfaithful and ask their forgiveness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 2:59pm

BC,

Every situation is different in the way they will handle the news.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 3:02pm
Broken, I agree with you. Announcing my A to my DH would not only devastate him but our kids, too. I know it is a very personal decision, but for me, it is not even an option. I've made a horrible mistake, but there is no reason to throw away my M. I will work thru it on my own. It may be a long, lonely process, but I chose this path on my own, and will deal with the consequences of my actions alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 3:17pm

BC,

Yes, every situation is different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 4:51pm
There have been many threads discussing this topic ... and may I suggest that there are many of us that felt sharing our affairs with our Hs was the only option if we wanted to lead a transparent life, free from lies. That our partners had the right to know what we had done, that they were not to blame for the "growing apart" that many of them had experienced because of our selfish actions, and that we made the very individual choice to disclose our actions. Additionally, for those in physical affairs, many of us did not practice safe(r) sex practices which literally put our spouses at risk. I believed my stbx had the right to know this, and to seek out screening from his physician.

There are no actions that impact on us alone.

While our actions were our decisions alone - the impacts on others were far reaching.

Many spouses and children are left confused & de-stabalized by the crazy we make them through our behaviour during our affairs - the abadonment, the present but not present, the moodiness, the anxiety, the physical and mental withdrawl. I believed it was up to me to help my stbx husband understand what was happening and why ... so that he would not own ANY of it. I simply could not stand by and watch him struggle to make sense of our "loss of connection" when I knew full well why. Hey, we were willing to throw away our marriages while in the affair, what gives us the right to decide for our partners what they can and can not handle. While I pose this question NOT to cause debate, I do raise it to problematize some of the thinking that justifies for some posters why they don't tell. Read the BS board, and you'll get a very clear picture of what many, if not ALL BS would have wanted - THE TRUTH.

All of us lied our way through the affair, and I was not about to lie my way out of my affair.

Making the decision to tell or not tell is only something that can be done (I believe) with the assistance of a good MC, and after IC to ensure one is clear on their intention. It is not about dumping one's guilt - and so being reflective and accountable to one's intentions is of paramount importance.

TU.
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 6:44pm
TU, while I understand your reasoning for full disclosure, in YOUR circumstances, I still believe it is a very personal decision. I agree completely with NSN. My DH would NEVER forgive me. He is very proud and extremely stubborn. He would leave, there is no doubt. My children are also 12 & 14, and I have an 19 year old, too. It would completely destroy them. Something I am not willing to risk. I stand by my original statements. I created this mess and I will fix it. I am working very hard to solidify my relationship with DH. Things are going very well. I am fully engaged with my children again. I understand that I put my family at risk when I was in the A, but as A's go, I couldn't see clearly.... I wasn't thinking. Now that the fog has lifted, I have to make decisions about where I go from here. I choose to protect my family and move forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 7:01pm

I have chosen to not tell because I know that my husband would want it that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 11:20pm
There is the school of thought that says by not confessing, we are continuing our selfish behavior and deception. We are actually robbing our spouses the right to make a decision to stay or go, a decision central to the rest of their lives. We are justifying keeping the secret more out of fear and being controlling than out of concern for our family's feelings.
Just presenting another perspective.
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 11:32pm
Having had a D-Day thrust upon me by exAP, I guess I am one who now believes it is better to come clean with the truth than hide in the shame of a past A. Had exAP not sent that letter to H, I am not sure I would have had the courage, though I had prayed for an opportunity to arise.
I had always imagined that H would have been angrier with me and he had every right to send me packing. Coming clean with that horrible truth was far better in my opinion than keeping that inside to eat at my soul. And yes, confessing to God is a very good and acceptable thing to do. And God forgives. Completely and unconditionally. But it is much easier to confess to God than to confess to the BS, and the ironic thing is, God sees our sins. Our BS never will. Unless we give him or her the chance to see our flaws, how can we truly receive their forgiveness? And yes, it is very true that many BS's do not want the M to continue after the confession. And some are never able to forgive. I am extremely thankful that my H accepted and loved me in spite of my bad choices. And now we have an opportunity to rebuild our M from the ground up. We are in MC and are learning what our needs are...how to more effectively meet each others needs. We won't be perfect at it, but we are giving it our best shot. This M is worth the effort. And we both decided that the kids would not know - it isn't something we just broadcast at any old family reunion.
TU said it beautifully. And I wish all of you the best in your own individual healing journeys...whether or not there is a D-Day. I never thought it could happen to me. I had already made the decision to get out of fog-land, and D-Day arrived. One important thing i have personally learned from all of this - there are always consequences to any choices we make in life, good or bad ones.

Hearts<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 11:42pm
I hear both sides, but I won't be telling, and I'm comfortable with my decision.

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 8:22am
I believe that what exactly what I was saying:

"Making the decision to tell or not tell is only something that can be done (I believe) with the assistance of a good MC, and after IC to ensure one is clear on their intention."

There are no easy or right paths ... only different choices with different consequences - short & long term (;

Peace and love to each of us regardless of the paths we have chosen,

TU.

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