self imposed DDay?
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self imposed DDay?
| Tue, 03-22-2011 - 2:52pm |
I have heard some say that once the A is over and we are healing we should confess to our spouses that we were unfaithful and ask their forgiveness.

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BC,
Every situation is different in the way they will handle the news.
BC,
Yes, every situation is different.
There are no actions that impact on us alone.
While our actions were our decisions alone - the impacts on others were far reaching.
Many spouses and children are left confused & de-stabalized by the crazy we make them through our behaviour during our affairs - the abadonment, the present but not present, the moodiness, the anxiety, the physical and mental withdrawl. I believed it was up to me to help my stbx husband understand what was happening and why ... so that he would not own ANY of it. I simply could not stand by and watch him struggle to make sense of our "loss of connection" when I knew full well why. Hey, we were willing to throw away our marriages while in the affair, what gives us the right to decide for our partners what they can and can not handle. While I pose this question NOT to cause debate, I do raise it to problematize some of the thinking that justifies for some posters why they don't tell. Read the BS board, and you'll get a very clear picture of what many, if not ALL BS would have wanted - THE TRUTH.
All of us lied our way through the affair, and I was not about to lie my way out of my affair.
Making the decision to tell or not tell is only something that can be done (I believe) with the assistance of a good MC, and after IC to ensure one is clear on their intention. It is not about dumping one's guilt - and so being reflective and accountable to one's intentions is of paramount importance.
TU.
I have chosen to not tell because I know that my husband would want it that way.
Just presenting another perspective.
I had always imagined that H would have been angrier with me and he had every right to send me packing. Coming clean with that horrible truth was far better in my opinion than keeping that inside to eat at my soul. And yes, confessing to God is a very good and acceptable thing to do. And God forgives. Completely and unconditionally. But it is much easier to confess to God than to confess to the BS, and the ironic thing is, God sees our sins. Our BS never will. Unless we give him or her the chance to see our flaws, how can we truly receive their forgiveness? And yes, it is very true that many BS's do not want the M to continue after the confession. And some are never able to forgive. I am extremely thankful that my H accepted and loved me in spite of my bad choices. And now we have an opportunity to rebuild our M from the ground up. We are in MC and are learning what our needs are...how to more effectively meet each others needs. We won't be perfect at it, but we are giving it our best shot. This M is worth the effort. And we both decided that the kids would not know - it isn't something we just broadcast at any old family reunion.
TU said it beautifully. And I wish all of you the best in your own individual healing journeys...whether or not there is a D-Day. I never thought it could happen to me. I had already made the decision to get out of fog-land, and D-Day arrived. One important thing i have personally learned from all of this - there are always consequences to any choices we make in life, good or bad ones.
Hearts<3
Iggy
"Making the decision to tell or not tell is only something that can be done (I believe) with the assistance of a good MC, and after IC to ensure one is clear on their intention."
There are no easy or right paths ... only different choices with different consequences - short & long term (;
Peace and love to each of us regardless of the paths we have chosen,
TU.
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