My last resort (triggs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
My last resort (triggs)
6
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:42pm

I'm making my last ditch effort for help...

My mom approached me last night about getting me into some sort of depression/bipolar/anorexia treatment program... I told her no...

I had a complete and total melt down today and came to the realization that I am the living dead... my will is gone, I have no desire to be here, to breathe... I don't deserve to be here. I shouldn't be.

I lost everything and it's all my fault. I am a failure. I can't go back... I can't get it back... I can't have my life back... I ruined everything. I didn't want to let everyone down, but I did... and I'm sorry... but there's nothing I can do to compensate... they can't forgive me and I can't forgive myself.

What kind of life is left for me???? Haven't I already done enough damage???

The pain I feel is so bad... so overwhelming... but I'm sure it's nothing compared to the pain I've caused others...

My mom keeps telling me to fight... but I I don't know why I should when all I do is cause destruction... I'm trying, but I don't see it for myself...

We're going to the doc tomorrow to see about getting into some sort of treatment program... I don't know if it's worth it or not... I really think I'm a lost cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 8:20pm

Honey, this is your BP talking--recognize it for the liar it is and get that treatment program going!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:38pm

I feel a lot like you, although I can't understand the anorexia. I don't know how old you are but I'm 20 and I always think how people say "the 20s are the best years of your life" and now I get to spend them as a bipolar misfit. I've always dealt with depression and social anxiety. I always expected it to get better in the future. My 13th birthday, I was a teenager! I felt awful. My sweet 16 my family had a surprise party and I was mortified. By 18 I didn't even have friends and by 19 I didn't care.

Now I'm like you. Living dead completely describes it. I just sit here and stare and watch people live. I try to sleep a lot to pass the time. I don't even see a future for myself. I honestly just don't care. Today I was laying in bed writing a suicide letter in my head. It basically involved telling my family how much I loved them and it wasn't their fault. But I know I could never commit suicide because it would kill my mom and I couldn't handle that. It's just too selfish.

When people tell me to fight I either just cry or (if I'm manic/anger) scream at them. And I mean really scream at the top of my lungs. The pain is horrible, and I'm often on the floor crying, saying over and over someone help me please why won't anyone help me. I just feel so hopeless.

I'm sorry you probably didn't want to hear all of that but my point is we're still young and as hard as it is we really need to hold on to some hope. I'm glad you're talking to your doctor about a treatment center tomorrow. I talk to mine tommorrow, too. I haven't decided if I'm going to ask about hospitalizaton yet. I believe that you can have a normal future. It might be a really hard struggle but I think we both can get there.

Hang in there, help is coming.
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:32am

You are worthy. The bipolar is making you think negative. It likes to play with our minds. Don't let it keep you down. Go to that program and work it. Show that bipolar it hasn't gotten the best of you. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!! You may not be where you want to be right now but that program can help you to be on your way. Your mom abviously loves you very very much to want to help you. Let her help you. I wish this was an easy road ahead of you but it will take work on your part...YOU can do it...Don't give up. The past is the past and all we have to work on is today. One day at a time honey. I will be thinking about you and praying for you.


Love & Peace


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:52am

Meg,

I'm 24 and I can relate to your response. I spent most of my teenage years in a semi-self imposed isolation... I just never felt like I fit in and I still don't. I don't belong here. I don't have a place in society. I don't relate to the general population of my peers AT ALL. I have nothing in common with the average 20 something...

I get really pissed because everyone is so encouraging... "Talk to someone you trust"... Yeah, I've done that! And the responses have been "You need a new medication" "This is because of HIM (meaning my bf, or exbf)" "You're JUST depressed" "You have NOTHING to feel bad/guilty/selfish/mean/awful for" I don't even get to finish my sentences before I'm cut off. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I REALLY FEEL. When I tell them I'm an awful person, they immediately deny it without listening to the rest of what I'm trying to say... I'm awful because I'm malicious... When someone hurts my feelings even in the slightest, I make sure I hurt then back... tenfold. I am evil. I am mean. I am not a good hearted person. Even if they do see it, they are going to deny it to my face when I'm crying hysterically and pondering the meaning of my existance.

Let me pose this... it makes perfect sense to me... but maybe I'm just crazy, which I don't really doubt...

Why does it hurt when the people we love die??? ---- because we love them and we want them here with us. If we could, we'd keep them here forever with us. If we could, we'd bring them back. When someone we love dies, all we want is to have them back and if we could, we'd do anything to have them there with us.... but isn't that selfish???

They say that when people die, they go to "a better place"... thus, we should be happy for the person that died. Yet, we are miserable and sad for ourselves because WE are unhappy... making us incredibly selfish because we are focusing on how WE feel and not on the happiness and eternal bliss of the person we loved.

So then... If the people on earth, alive, around us, love us so much and want us to be happy, why can't they let us do what would make us happy? Why would it be so wrong for me to go be with my father??? He passed in 2003. The only reason they stop me is for THEIR selfish reasons... they love me, yes, but what about MY happiness??? If moving to Spain made me happy, they wouldn't stop me... so what's the difference??? My dad is alone... he needs me. i don't belong here. i am so misplaced.

From one end, they could argue that suicide is selfish because it hurts the people who care about you... but it's also selfish because if they love me so much, they'd let me go so that I could be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:48am

Ophelia-

Are you in therapy at all? It hasn't worked for me (yet) but I find that after awhile you get to trust that person enough to open up more and they are the ones who DON'T judge you or tell you to just fight it, etc. Of course, you have to find the one you trust. I'm on my 5th and he's looking good so far.

I've never seen suicide from your point of you. I also think it matters what your opinion of death is. I personally think that when we die that's just it, there's nothing left- the end. You don't go anywhere. So for me suicide would only be an option if I want permanent nothingness which I'm not ready for unless I've really given up every last drop of hope which I haven't quite reached yet.

I'm sure it must be harder for you with a father who has died. I can't even imagine what that has been like. But it also sounds like you are very close to your mother. Imagine how hard it would be for her to lose both her husband AND you. I think it is unbearable for a parent to lose a child that way. I'm unwilling to put my mom through that as my mother has already suffered through an alcoholic mother, a father who died when she was young, a husband who is emotionally abusive, and my brother who pushes her away. At this point I feel like if I killed myself, she would have nothing left. Maybe it's selfish of her to want me here, but I feel like it's more selfish of me to leave her after she's done so much for me. I guess it's all situational.

Keep in mind that you will be with your dad one day, we all die in the end. But we only live once, and your dad is watching over you. Would he want you to commit suicide or would he want you to try the treatment center and hope that one day you can enjoy life?

Just my thoughts. I hope that your appt. goes well today. Mine's in an hour and I can't wait, I hope it turns out well. Please let me know how your's goes!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:23pm

Ophelia,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know what you mean about people who don't want to hear how you really feel. They always want to fix it. They think you can't possibly feel that way because there's no *reason*. I just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are and I do know how you feel to some degree. Please remember that you are *ill* and your feelings are just that, feelings. You can decide how you react to them. Let us know how the appt goes.

Morgaine