fighting nice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
fighting nice
20
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 4:13am
I've had a lot of time on planes lately, and got to thinking. Why was it so hard ignore xAPs latest fishing attempt? Why did I feel such a strong urge to reply? Why did I want to apologise and explain why I couldn't see him? Why was it so hard to press delete?

I don't want to see him, I don't want to be "friends" (not that we ever were), I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already, and I certainly don't want to be back in the A. But I do want to be nice. Nice. Huh, there's an interesting word. What does nice mean? Nice means saying "yes" when someone asks you to do something, it means answering emails and returning phone calls right away, it means making yourself available even when it's not really convenient, it means avoiding conflict by smoothing over difficult conversations, it means overlooking bad behaviour and giving people the benefits of the doubt, it means bending over backwards to keep all of the people happy all of the time. Bloody he!l. Nice is part of what got me into this mess in the first place.

So I have decided that I don't want to be a nice person any more. I want to be good person. Good people are allowed to say no, and to ignore emails that threaten to harm their family, and to say what they really think, and to hold people accountable for bad behaviour, and to trust their instincts, and to focus on the happiness of their families and let other people be responsible for themselves.

So this week I'm fighting nice and striving for good instead. What about you? Did the desire to be nice play any role in your A?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 8:02am
Oh wow yes. It totally did. This is what some on the board have referred to as classic behaviors of people pleasers. And there are reasons why we did that which need to be sorted out I guess. Good for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 9:10am

Yes, it sure did play a role in my A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 9:19am

Wow Kat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 11:41am
Exactly my problem. And also my xAP's. And the combination of two "nice" people was not great! Because if either one of us wrote the other would feel obliged to reply. But haven't had contact since Oct 21, except for one short exchange Jan 1. I tried hard and succeeded in not being nice by NOT sending her a birthday message.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 11:50am

Yes, yes, yes! I am a people pleaser!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 5:13pm
Brown dress - its amazing how much our society reinforces those people pleasing behaviours isn't it? A few Christmases ago my colleagues gave me an award for "nicest person in the office". If only they could see the downside of those efforts to be liked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 5:15pm
Thanks Dee - loved your comment about putting your desire to be accepted above your desire to be yourself. That captures it in a nutshell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 5:19pm
Sunrise - it sure is a struggle. But it has really helped me to recognise that I'm not replacing "nice" with "mean", but rather - as you say - replacing it with "honourable" and "respectful".
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 5:27pm
Japru - I admire your resolve in not sending a birthday message. My xAPs birthday is coming up soon, and I was kind of hoping that there might be someone on this Board who would allow me to email them with the message I would otherwise have sent to xAP just to get it off my chest. Any Aries women here who might be able to help me out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 5:35pm
Never - Feeling sorry for someone, wanting to show kindness - they're such deeply engrained emotions. We just have to make sure that we focus those feelings on the right people. The people who really deserve our empathy and kindness, and not the ones who manipulate us to gain our sympathy and attention at the expense of our families and ourselves. You're doing great with your LC at work. Hang in there and big hugs to you.

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