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| Fri, 08-04-2006 - 5:31am |
no excuses,but i still have plenty.
i won't even start to categorize them.
but i lost it,hysterically with a parent i previously had a good relationship with.
i also told another mother NOT to bring her kid back.i ruined everything & i don't want to go to work this morning.more than anything i don't want to go & i want to move NOW.
i feel like such a freak & so alone.no one understands how hard it is to be me.the older i get the more hopeless it feels.
i won't even start to categorize them.
but i lost it,hysterically with a parent i previously had a good relationship with.
i also told another mother NOT to bring her kid back.i ruined everything & i don't want to go to work this morning.more than anything i don't want to go & i want to move NOW.
i feel like such a freak & so alone.no one understands how hard it is to be me.the older i get the more hopeless it feels.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Suziq}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
First of all, is there more to the story than you're telling us? Surely something made you get upset. I think a lot of people here can identify with the rage you feel (me among them). I apologize for not keeping up with the board closely but what meds are you on? I hope today goes smoother for you. Let us know.
Morgaine
Suz,
I am so sorry this happened to you. Please try to be a little patient and understanding with yourself.
I know it doesn't always help to hear another's story, so I'm sorry if this annoys you more than helps, but I did something very similar a few months ago; unfortunately, you are not alone in this. I am a teacher in a private preschool/elementary school. At the end of the school year I was having a little trouble with my moods- very, very irritable. It was getting to the point that I could not control them at work (usually I am perfectly fine with everything at work and flip at home). Anyway, we were taking the kids out to the playground and crossing the parking lot. This woman (a parent) was driving, not even looking forward, and coming straight at us. She finally looked where she was driving and I gave her one of those gestures like "wtf are you doing???". She knew she screwed up. We got the kids across and into the playground and she dropped her kid off with his teacher. She called me over, with her kid's teacher (a co-worker), and was apologizing. I FLIPPED. I started yelling at her, chastizing her, telling her I don't care if she was looking to see if her kid's class was outside or not she needs to watch where she was going, etc. I was SO rude to her. She said she was sorry, I said she should be, she's lucky no one got hurt and walked away as she continued to talk. Extremely unprofessional. Now, you need to understand that my school is frequented by the upper class in my area. There are children of doctors, lawyers, attorneys, etc. I didn't realize, but the mother I flipped on was a local doctor. Oops, my bad. The teacher I flipped in front of came over afterward and tried to talk to me and smooth things over, stating how Dr.X was so sorry and it won't happen again and so on and so forth. I felt horrible. Every time I saw this woman after that my stomach fell, I thought I would throw up. I could not believe I acted the way I did. I had no idea where it came from. I am surprised that this woman did not report me to the director and I did not get fired...that is how bad it was.
I think this disease causes us to do things that we normally would never even consider doing under ordinary circumstances (at least that is what I notice). I am not making excuses, just looking for explanations. I take responsibility for my actions. I clean up the messes I make, although some of them are mighty hard to clean up lately. My anger and short temper and irritablity are my worst traits right now, and they are getting worse as my illness progresses. They are the reason I sought treatment. If it wasn't for that I could care less. I love the hypomania. I'm there right now- my house is so clean, my dh doesn't have to do a thing but relax, but I'm driving him nuts as I clean so late at night and can't sit down. He is tiring of it and I know I am getting irritable. The good feeling doesn't last, the irritablity takes over within a few days now, which annoys me. I see pdoc on Tues., but I will probably call him today to let him know I might be headed for another mixed state.
Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there. I guess what I'm trying to say is it happens to all of us at some point here. We have to accept that we are going to fall, and fall hard at times. We need to be forgiving of ourselves and kind to ourselves, which is hard to do when we need it most. If you were near, I'd give you a big hug.
Please take care of yourself.
Peg
and then there's me.the absolute failure at everything she tries & cannot even succeed at something as simple as working with children.
a stupid failure.
& an idiot who calls me on the phone b/c he wants to cheat on his wife w/ me cause he figures his word over mine is gold.& people telling me i probably killed the insecure creep girl i kicked out of camp.
& my h's attempt at comfort is so far from comforting it's indescribable.
& my pdoc doesn't give a **** about me & i learned my lesson about asking HIM for help.besides..it would cost almost 400$.
& my tdoc is on vacation.
lithobid...cymbalta...adderall...rozerum & seroquel..last night i took a whole seroquel instead of a half.
i am totally unlikable.there is no where i fit in.
i wish i had cancer or something equally deadly.
i know how you feel & i would've done the same.
the girl(counselor) i had to get rid of has some sort of problem.she's sick like i was at her age.my counselors make fun of nora being"nuts"& i was expected to make her go away b/c they felt she could hurt the kids.i didn't like her but i often left her alone w/ my kids.
but the counselors called her crazy & for that she had to go.
what am i????????
Considering the amount of stress you are under and what little you have to work with..anyone would have done it...cut yourself some slack, appologize this morning and move on.
God could not be everywhere, so
{{{{{{{{Suzi}}}}}}}}}}
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're under a great deal of stress. The heat alone makes me into a raving lunatic. I can't imagine working in it - much less with children. I certainly wouldn't say working with children is "simple" by any stretch of the imagination. There's a very good reason why I *don't* do that for a living. I admire people who do - its not an easy task. I wish I could say something that would make it all better.
Hugs,
Morgaine