Where to take responsibility ???
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| Fri, 08-04-2006 - 6:43pm |
My mom is not one to cry. Even when my brother died 12/2004 my mom really only shed tears. But today she called crying in hysterics. So I know the stress my sister is putting on her is very great.
My mom has planned her retirement very carfully. She realized she could not simply travel for retirement so she takes jobs to pay for the trips. For example, she has just spent the last 2 years in China as a Business English teacher so she could travel the Orient. They paid her enough money to live there w/o touching her savings & would continue to collect her retirement checks.
My mom raised 5 children on her own with no help from my father. So saving for retirement has been extremely difficult on her, but she does not want to become a responsibility to her children.
Last January she was taking a longer trip that her teaching wages would not cover. So she sent my sisters to her bank to xfer funds to her. The stupid banker let my sisters know how much money my mom had in the bank. I think it was 50K. Not a lot to live on for the next 20+/- years. But to my younger sister this is lots of moola. My older sister saw the demeanor in my younger sister change the MOMENT she heard the total. This scared my older sister, but we let it be, we did not want to accuse w/o there being something to accuse.
Now my mom is home and trying to figure out how much money my sister has stolen from her. So far it is up to 17K. My sister, who's now had 3 affairs since January, is defensive & angry at my mom for being upset she has stolen this money. She believes since she is 'sick' she should not be blamed for it.
I mention the affairs, because those who know my story, knows my H had an affair last fall. When I explained a psychotic break to my family, and my H being the person he is, my family has accepted him back (even though my H has not yet dared talk to any of them yet). Although my family knows how remorseful my H is. They know it is a cause of a great deal of pain w/in him. My H does not use the psychosis as an excuse, just that it clouded his decision making & was not able to see things clearly.
But now my mom, older sister & even my H have thought my younger sister saw how everyone has accepted my H back that perhaps my sister is manipulating everyone into believing she is bp to use as an excuse for her behavior. She is not remorseful for her A's or for stealing my mom's money.
There is evidence my sister is still abusing px'd drugs. Last night my sister told my mom she took 8 anti-anxiety pills.
Where do you split out the illness from bad behavior? Where do you know where to have someone to take responsibilty? I just feel so bad for my mom. Not to exclude the fact I have felt my younger sister has been my best friend for the past 7-9 yrs. I knew she lied to me a lot, but realized she is sensative to how people think of her. I sort of felt a little offended like she thinks I'm judgemental, but I've realized she does this with everyone.
She's been out of the hospital since July 15th & claims she cannot get in to see a psychiatrist. Everyone believes she really does want to get in, but right now I'm not sure what to believe any longer.
I hope I have not offended anyone here. I just don't understand. I have my own bp H in shock of the things my sister is doing. I realize it is worse with women than men due to hormones? But is there behaviors where there just is not remose? Is there no decision making & only reaction, or just more difficult decision making?
Oh, BTW, it's not just my sister, my BIL seems to be in on all of this too. He even told my older sister that he & my younger sister have decided they want my mother's house & they were going to do what they could to get it from her (NOTE: they cannot afford the house, so I believe he does mean manipulitive tactics). Even today, my mom called my BIL & asked him to pay her phone bill b/c my younger sister had just given him 2K of my moms money (w/o my moms knowledge until now). He began to yell at her immediately that he already paid $700 of it toward her car & he needed the rest of his own bills.
My mom sat down with them to talk over their possessions. She has offered to take a lot of land & their 4-wheelers as payment. Once she is repaid she'll give them back to them. They are not willing to do so. (My mom really wants to do this b/c the lot is from land my grandpa had owned & doubt my sister's marriage will last. She wants to make sure my sister gets all of it & thought this a perfect solution to make sure he cannot get any of it if they do D. My mom would NEVER-EVER keep that land from my sister.)
Feeling really sad & flustered today.

Bonnie,
This is difficult. But, I'm going to be honest with you, as I always am. Your sister absolutely MUST take ALL the responsibility for the things she has done. I had to. Yes, I was very very very manic for a lot of years...self-induced manic too. I made a lot of mistakes and got in legal trouble that landed me in jail for 1/2 a day, and then had 2 years of probation, and restitution to pay back...I was also addicted to cocaine during this time, and got clean, ALL ON MY OWN. Yes, I was medicated. I took FULL responsibility for EVERY ONE OF MY ACTIONS.
We cannot, cannot, cannot, use BP as a crutch or excuse for anything.
Yes, our judgement becomes "off". We get confused, because the thoughts are racing so fast we can't just grasp ONE. We get so depressed that we want to die.
But we cannot hurt others, or society, without having to take full responsibility for it.
My affairs were the same way. I had to get right on my own.
I did. I'm proud of that. But its SOOOOOOOOOOO very hard. It takes hitting rock bottom, and honestly, I don't think your sister is there yet.
I wish you luck. You have to be there for her, but you HAVE TO SEPARATE a bit. I didn't know this...until recently.
Love and Hugs,
Keli