TO BE OR NOT.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
TO BE OR NOT.....
7
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 4:57pm

TO BE....

I was dx'd with bp about two years ago. In the beginning they had me on zyprexa and then when I had an episode in my doc's office one day and was put in the hospital {because of my episode} they put me on depakote. Well probably, needless to say, it made me gain a zillion lbs. and turned me into a zombie. After taking dep. for about 6 to 9 months I decided I didn't want that way of life ne more so I quit taking it. Infact I quit all meds I was on.
Other meds I was on were for, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and a few more ailments.
I was just tired of being a zombie and not having a life. Therefore I ended up in the hospital once again. But this time it was for congestive heart failure. One of the pills I had quit taking was lasix. So my doc made me go back on my pills, all but the depakote, for I refused to go on them.
But then {all you know what hit the fan} when I lost my medicaid. No ins., no money, results in no meds.
But also I went into a denial. I refused to accept that I was BP. Have any of you ever been in denial? To be honest I still have a problem accepting it. My dh doesn't have a problem with accepting though. Infact he is the very first one that ever brought it up. He did a lot of research on the web and then discussed it with my doc. She said that she had been watching me and was leaning in that direction as a dignosis for me as well.
It has been well over a year now since I quit the depakote and I have not had any of the "episodes". So I am wondering what is going on. Now last week for two days in a row I think I had a panic attack and in my mind I was screaming {to myself}, NO THIS IS NOT BP!
I don't know, really I don't. But really and truly I am not going to go back on depakote.
I seem to be ok to myself anyway. DH thinks I am getting into a manic state but I just don't think so.
Yes I am a mess and crazy. But isn't the whole world the same way?.....lol
OK, I am going to go to another post to get them #'S up....:)

sweet hugs to you all,
just me,
Roma

just me, Roma...;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:14pm

(((((Roma)))))


I understand SO well about not having the insurance or $ for meds it's a constant struggle for me, too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 11:42pm

hi Roma. I have to agree with Marci. Denial is a part of this, for me as well. I recently stopped my meds because I didn't like being a zombie. I'm on depakote, zyprexa, topamax, lithium, wellbutrin, ambien, ativan, and klonopin. And to be honest I just got tired of taking them and feeling like a zombie.


The thing is, I noticed over the past few days signs that I was starting to cycle again so last night I started back on everything except the klonopin and ambien. And I'm only taking the ativan if I need it. And my kids can usually spot my swings before I can. Although I'm getting better at spotting them, I'm still a long way from stopping them before they get out of control.


Also, like Marci said, there are a number of different meds out there that will do the same thing as depakote without the weight gain. Talk to your doc and see what he/she says. i'm sure that they can put you on something new that's just as effective.


hang in there and keep us posted.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 8:10am

Hi Roma.

Oh yes. Denial. I still am in a sort of denial myself...I recently took myself off all my meds too, except for a small dose of Lithium. And btw, you should ask to try Lithium in place of Depa. It has less side affects, and not the massive weight gain of Depa.

Anyway, yes, I still "question" whether or not I'm really BP...really sick. But then there are times that BP shows its ugly face and I can't deny it anymore. I've been dx'ed for over 5 years, lol.

So, next step is acceptance, and then to actually embrace it...

If you can do that, it helps a lot.

I am really glad you posted. I hope you'll stick around.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 4:46pm

Thanx for your reply....I will certainly think about what you said....yes I think I will hang around for a while....but not for long today....I am in a "mood"....don't know what it is all about unless it is just "my life" and how much it "sucks"
Take care ttyl...

just me,
Roma :)

just me, Roma...;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 4:54pm
Hi Marci, ty for your reply.
I live in S.E. MO, close to the Arkansas state line. All the way on the other side of MO from you....lol.
Are you in KC, Mo or Ks?
just me, Roma...;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 6:07pm

I'm in MO--that makes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:25pm

{{{{{{{{{{{Marci}}}}}}}}}}}.....wow four from the showme state....lol....that is a definant, if I ever get that way we should meet up....I like putting faces to my internet friends too....the same goes for you, if you ever get this way....
I am not actually "from" Mo, but I have lived here in Mo. for about 25 yrs. plus....I am from California, born and raised there til I was in my teens when my parents decided to get us out of that state b4 it affected us in a bad way, if ya know what I mean....lol
It had already affected my two older brothers, moving here didn't help them.....lol
My brother just older than me, moved back to Ca. after he got out of the Navy....he now lives in Fresno w/his wife and thier children and one grandchild....they named her Penny Lane.....know where they got that name?.....lol.....he is an old hippie and he don't know what to do, should he hang on to the old or grab on to the new.....lol
Anyway, yes we should meet up if the opportunity ever arises.....:)
Have a great day.

just me,
Roma:)

p.s. I doubt you would scare me away, more than likely the opposite would occur....lol I can be a pretty scarey lookin lady at times....hehehehe...specailly in the mornings....lol

just me, Roma...;)