since I'm on a roll...
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since I'm on a roll...
| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:54pm |
ok so I'm supposed to be leaving for college on Friday. Or I was... then we couldn't get this all under control. so my pdoc/family convinced me to defer and it seemed like a good idea. But what if i just go? I don't think it's too late... would that be crazy? I mean, I'm sure there's a pdoc around there that can help me out.

Well...this is tough. On one hand, it might be really good for you to get away from home again and start living your life. But then again, if school is a trigger for you...the stimulation could be too much if you aren't stable.
The thing I learned about BP, and learned the HARD WAY, is that I should NEVER have stopped living...you should do what you feel you can do.
You know yourself better than anyone. What DO YOU think???
I also learned, that being home, and inactive for a long period of time (even a day or so...) can cause my mood to go down...I need activity...I don't know how I've made it through working like I have...but I did. I'm very grateful, too. Its saved me.
Do you want to go back? Or are you just feeling like maybe you're failing if you defer?
Also...something else. My BP never "got better". I just got better at living with it. Controlling it...finding what works and what doesn't. Its not always what others think it should be. Does that make sense???
I dunno... the one thing that provides stableization for me is my family and being away from them would be really hard. Plus the social anxiety isn't fully treated either so I just don't know. And I need to have really good grades to get into a decent med school. ARGH!. But how can I do that I try to stay sane at the same time?
On the other hand I feel worthless just taking time off. The thing is, if I'm not going to get stable, why bother taking time off? I just wish I knew if I would ever feel normal again or not.
you most definitely WILL feel more normal again...I promise that.
as for feeling worthless for taking time off, think of this...you are ill, and you need time to recuperate. use the time to really really work on YOU for you are WORTH working on!!! it makes PLENTY sense to take some time off...especially since you can't afford to let your grades suffer in the least.
do NOT let those negative feelings take over. they will pull you down quicker than anything...our BP brains will latch on to negativity and won't let go.
you can do this...it takes time...and patience...and i know how hard it is to be patient when you feel like hell.
rest as much as you need to, but also start trying to get out some...i did the same thing...hid from the world for a long time...it cost me a lot...don't let that happen to you.
also, another thing that has really helped me, is taking really good care of myself...even when i dont feel like it...bubble baths, shaving, doing my hair, makeup...somehow it helps.
hang in there...ur doing great.
This is a toughie, but the judgement call I would make if I were you would be to not go for now. The rigors of a college schedule would be really hard to keep up with in your current health. There are also professors out there who do not believe students ever get sick and trying to get out of their classes if you have to can be a real hassle, especially if your school doesn't have a decent disability services department for students. A breakdown can also wreck havoc on your gpa that will be on your transcripts until the end of time (this might be a real concern for you because I think you said you wanted to go to med school).
I had my first psychotic bipolar break when I was a junior in college (at the end of my third year), and after that it took me an additional four years to complete my senior year plus I was kicked out of the major I wanted to be in, all thanks to bipolar. But, I was more stable when it was time to go to grad school, and I got my master's on time.
Give yourself time to get better, you will!
And when you do go back, register with disability services first thing- assuming the dept. is decent, you may need them to back you up in case of an emergency.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"