How long does it take? And what are we really aiming for?
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| Mon, 03-28-2011 - 11:14am |
It has been over six months since I even saw xAP. And except for one brief exchange around Jan 1 (ie she sent an email and I replied, both about three lines each, nothing emotional) it has been NC all the way. So why am I still constantly thinking of her? I don't have a strong urge to contact her, but I replay conversations, email exchanges etc over and over again in my mind. Not so much the erotic encounters, although there is some of that, but I try to stop those thoughts. There were a mixture of emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment, etc. and constantly trying to analyze what if I'd done or said this or that, or why did she act this way when she said that, etc etc. Rationally, there is no way I would ever want to leave my W and spend my life with her so why, why why?
Most help sites say it takes about 3 months. Others say it takes as long as the A did, which in my case was an off-again on-again 15 months (but probably only about 3-4 months of actually being in an affair during that time, it was kind of turbulent). So how long does it take? And what do I need to do to stop this apart from NC? I've already taken up new hobbies, exercise, all the usual stuff. When I see people who are still thinking about it years later, I get

while you haven't seen your xAP for 6 months - and you have taken up new hobbies, you have still maintained a mental connection with whatever you envisioned your A to be. Regardless of if you were planning to leave your W ever, the xAP clearly filled something in you - and now without her you are struggling to gain those same 4A (approval, acknowledgement, applause and attention) that your xAP provided. There is no set timeline - there is NO shortcut in the process - The battle to "get over" the mental part of the A takes much longer than the physical part - and analyzing it draws it out that much longer.
The reason we suggest IC so often is that EVERY person has those same innate needs provided for with the 4A's - and when we get to a point where we become reliant on another to fill any one of them, we hand over power as well.
You ask the end result - for some it is indifference - which for some is "proof" that they have no need for any validation - and for others like me - it is just a matter of it not mattering anymore. Every person has to figure out where they are good.
You ask if it is possible to treat each other kindly as decent human beings even a few years after.... the answer to this is - probably the most kind and decent thing is to leave them to themself. It's like making a milkshake - once you've added stuff in, it's impossible to completely get back to just vanilla.
Take hope, take strength, take peace.
I agree with Lolly..there isn't a set timeline. It all depends on you and your commitment and determination to move forward with your life. As for what we're aiming for, again, that's a personal decision. Some aim for indifference, some like myself add a mixture of seeking indifference
Luckily for me, no D-day and W and I on very good terms again, more loving than for a long time, and I don't really care how much sex there is, at least we have a deep affection and respect for each other. But although I have had my good periods, I found over the last couple of weeks drifting back into this obsessive thinking, but I have never felt a strong urge to make contact. So I don't understand why I obsess, since I don't want to do anything about it... It seems so pointless.
Anyway, I'll keep plodding along. I'm pretty sure I won't make contact - there have been times in the last six months when I have been very low and sorely tempted, eg valentine's day, her birthday, the day she moved, etc and I refrained. But if she ever contacts me, I am usually a basket case for a couple of weeks.
I really like your honesty and efforts to get to the bottom of your obsessive thinking. It's surprising for me to hear you say you felt humiliated by the A. I guess I always thought that was more usually a feeling reserved for the female AP.
What am I looking for? In the short term (1) for the pain to go away (2) to do whatever it takes to earn my H's trust (3) to get through a day without thinking of xAP (4) to survive the next two years of work travel to his city without ever talking with or seeing him again
In the long term (1) to learn to enjoy time alone, rather than fearing it (I have been in back-to-back relationships since I was 16 so I have no idea how to "be alone" without being lonely, even when I'm just away on three day work trips) (2) to sort my sh*t out so that I never, ever risk hurting my family like this again (3) to be someone my daughters can be proud of.
What are my time frames? I guess the fact that my "short-term goals" cover the next two years is a fair indication that it ain't going to be quick :)
Sunshine and smiles
Kat
Hi Japru
Bloody great questions. I have been thinking this exact thing for a few days now.
Thanks for sharing. It gives me hope.
Being humiliated is definitely not gender specific! But it was my fault for putting io with it for a few months.
Wow, 6 months and still struggling.... Japrufrock I don't know what to say except that I echo your thoughts.
That was really encouraging. I know exactly what your T means - each "anniversary" reminds you of where you were the last time and you feel the sense of loss. But the next time around, you'll actually feel better off. So thanks for reinforcing that - it makes me feel stronger about it all. I'm 6 months NC