Crashed...triggers
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:14am |
I hate BP more than anything else in this world...anything. I crashed really hard and fast last night...my ds and I got in a huge huge fight about the STUPIDEST thing ever...we both went into a rage, and both ended up crying...he never cries...NEVER. He asked WHY he is like he is...a question i KNEW would eventually happen...WHY he has BP and ADHD...WHY he is bad...and my heart broke in a million pieces...He said that I did this to him, and how do you explain it??? It scares me very badly that he is feeling the effects of the BP in ways he never tells me...and is excruciating. I told him he wasn't bad, that I bragged to you guys all the time how good of a kid he is...I'm a bad mom, is what I told him...and he said that got on his nerves too...when i down talked myself...but I can't help it. We finally both just said sorry, and went to bed...but i COULDN'T sleep...i just cried forever. Because I DID do this to him...he got it from ME. I haven't been the best mom, I admit it...but he is first and foremost in my life. He is angry at his Dad...very angry. I told him he couldn't talk bad about him...that he loved him and did the best he could...but Mike said that isn't true...and maybe it isn't...but I love my husband, still...after everything we have gone through.
Anyway...I go to pdoc on 9/1, and I guess I need meds again...I'm still taking Lithium, only 300 mgs though...I want to try Abilify again, to see if I can tolerate it this time...I couldn't before. Lexapro is still okay. Lithium works for me, at the small dose...maybe increasing it to 600 will help. I just get too depressed on too much medication.
I'm also pms'ing...bad. I know that I crash every time I have pms...but its still bad, regardless.
I don't want to do this anymore...I've had waaaay more than enough. Its freaking horrible, and to anyone who doesn't have to go through it...well, they just don't KNOW the extent of how it feels. To just want to die...to end the pain...and the suffering...I can never do that, and I know it...but I have those exactly feelings.
Anyway, I hope I didn't trigger anyone.
Keli

Keli,
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your son. You had such a happy time with him and such an "up" time with the offer of moving. He sounds like he is such a wonderful boy- and you are a wonderful mother.
This illness is the worst. It is one that does not show outward physical symptoms that people understand or can relate to. They just don't get it.
Are you able to call pdoc about your meds before going back? Maybe you can start them now and have a few weeks on them before you go back.
I hope that you are feeling better soon.
Hugs,
Peg
Girl you did not do this to your son !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Keli!
Hey girl - sorry I missed your post to me yesterday - have been SO busy at work. I'm sorry that you crashed, but at least you understand WHY you crashed and what you need to do to fix it. I don't think you should increase your meds this week. You don't want to get caught back up in that merry-go-round. Wait until you are all the way done with PMS and see how you feel then.
BTW: You didn't DO this to your son. It happened. Just like no one DID this to you. I think it is time to start enforcing my "Say 10 nice things" for you again! I think if you mention that to Mike and ask him to help you to remember to say 5 or 10 nice things every time you bad-mouth yourself it will be wonderful. Heck, he might even remind you of a few things you don't realize any more.
And please do NOT ever say you are a bad mom. You are a wonderful mom. Think of all the things you do and things you go without so you can do for him. You are always putting him ahead of you and it just shows how much you care about him. BTW: You are right, he does love his dad. He is at that age where they want to hate their dads for some reason, and he IS really angry with him. Keep talking to him and keep enforcing the rule that he can't talk bad about him - things will get better eventually.
Hang in there, and remember to call me if you need me.
Love you!!
Tracey
(((((((((((Keli))))))))))) I don't have much more to offer than what's already been said. You ARE a great mom, and you didn't *do* this to Mike. It's an illness and it can be controlled. You are doing well reminding him not to talk bad about Eric.
As for the meds, I agree with Tracey. Try to ride out the pms storm and see where you stand then. When I started back on my meds I started back on all but the ativan, klonopin and ambien. I noticed some of the side effects from the lithium creeping back in after being back on it for a few days and quit taking it again. I don't want to get bad like I was before. But I was able to recognize the problem early on so I could prevent serious problems. So hopefully your problem is just pms and it will fade as you come out of the pms. If not, then call your pdoc.
You are a terrific person. Don't forget that! Hang in there.
Love You,
Traci
((((((((((((((((((((((((KELI))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish I could be there to hug you and cry along with you. We are both in a bad spot right now.
Keli,
Hi Darling!
Love,
Keli,
Others have said it, but I want to reinforce it--You did NOT do this to your son!
Hi Keli
Sorry things are going so bad for you, we all crash at some point. But I know what it's like to crash A LOT and go back and forth daily, it seems like we have that in common.
I can't imagine what it must be like having a son who blames you for being BP. All I can say is that he's a good son and you're a good mother. No one else in my family is BP so I have no one to "blame" it on. It must be hard at his age to have to deal with this. I hope you realize how great of a mother and person you are, though.
I would say definitely get back on the meds. Of course, here I quit mine yesterday. Although I'm going to get something new tomorrow.
I know you feel awful right now and what it's like to feel like it will never change but I PROMISE you'll go back up, probably too up and probably too fast :)
Hang in there,
Meg