new here, I feel so alone...
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new here, I feel so alone...
| Sun, 08-20-2006 - 11:27pm |
hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. I really need to get this off my chest, it is making me physically sick. I have been depressed all my life, am on lamictal and in counselling. The most recent problem is with my dh. We have 2 young boys. I left him last year after 17 years of being ignored with the silent treatment and not communicating. But the guilt and pain of hurting my boys led me to coming back, we still werent together but living in the same house. He came to counselling and changed and did everything I asked. So I thought I had to try again. The thing is, it is worse now than it was before. At least I could yell at him before, but I couldnt be bothered to say anything to him now. I have this pain in my stomach and chest that wont go away. I feel so hopeless and helpless, out of control of any situation and so depressed I cant stand myself. I just dont know what to do, I am so hypersensitive and hypervigilant that I am always angry and upset ALL THE TIME. I hate being this way, its driving me insane! I am so scared I am ruining my kids lives, that they too will get depression as we are never happy, never have fun, its a horrible environment. Me and dh are so resentful of each other, we get so angry and hurt with each other over everything and nothing. We cant talk without getting into a fight, its so horrible to live each day like this. We go weeks without saying a word to each other, just like before, I cant stand it. My counsellor says its ME who needs to change, as I cant change him, she says I need to accept him the way he is and to try to heal my past pain to get over the issues. I know this is true, but it will take the rest of my life to get over the trauma I have to deal with in my life. I cant afford to live on my own, I work part time, and when I was on my own, I cried all the time. I know the depression is controlling me, but how do you get out of it. I have been on every medicine known and reacted to practically all of them. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bi-polar, but I never had the highs. I just dont know if I can stop hating my dh and blaming him for ruining my life! I blame him for the depression and not listening to me time and time again, when I said this exact thing would happen. But I just cant seem to get over it. I know its probably just a decision on my part to stop it, and try again. But then I dont know if its the chemical imbalance that is stopping me. I cant talk to many people about this, as they just think, get over it and try again, stop hurting the kids. Its so hard, I am in so much pain, physically and mentally, its torture. This is why I left in the first place, but I am aware now that I have major depression which is half the problem. Has anyone else been in a situation with their dh that they just didnt like them, and had it work out. I just dont see a way out and we will never be connected like we were, if we ever were in the first place. I dont believe there is just one person for you, but I believe you have to make the decision right, especially with kids involved.I have done the meds and counselling and I am still right where I was, all of my life. Please help.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
I think being in your situation would make *anyone* depressed. I've been divorced twice and both times it was extremely stressful both right before and after. The situation finally became unbearable and I left. I finally found someone good on the third try. My kids seem fine. It was rough on them but they pulled through. Your counselor is right - you can't change him. Sometimes if we change ourselves it does change our spouse. However, I couldn't begin to guess as to whether or not that is the right choice for you. I don't think you can blame him for ruining *your* life. Your life is the way it is because of the choices you made. *steps down off soapbox* I don't mean to be harsh but letting go of that anger will make your life much more pleasant. I felt that way too for a long time. Sometimes I still feel that way and I have to remind myself of what I just told you. Anyhow, enough of the relationship counseling. Welcome. This is a great group of ladies.
Morgaine
Sweetie, welcome to the board--you are not alone here, that's for sure.