When does the PAIN end??? Please help :-(
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| Wed, 03-30-2011 - 12:13pm |
I am almost 3 months out of the A and I really thought (based on what I read from others who have been out this long) that it gets "better". To me, it feels like it's getting worst. I am borderline falling into depression now. Still seeing a shrink on a weekly basis, even he's puzzled about how much I am still wrapped up in this A fog.
Don't get me wrong, I do not want xMM back!!!! But why can't I let him go and get my life back??? He treated me like s**t, he doesn't give a damn about me, etc. So, why do I still think about him EVERY DAMN DAY, the reminders everywhere I go, I even called him a few times in the past 3 months (dialed *67 first so he doesn't know it was me, but of course he knew) and what do you know he did text me from another # and all he said was "I knew it was you who called me and hanging up". But that's it. Not a single word since. I can't even call it fishing because in the past when he did fish, he would wanna see me and tell me all sorts of sweet lies just to get me all hooked again, etc. Not this time and it really feels different too, his behavior altogether and that text was more like just another bossing me around like I am some 5 yo. And not a word from him in 10 days now.
I still have his # blocked and also on Facebook. But the problem is really not him fishing, it's ME who is still just so hooked. WHY????
Then I get depressed because 2 people I met on this board years ago, whom I kept in touch with and share our experiences with, who have long ended their A's, they are moving on with their lives like NOTHING ever happened. A 3rd gal I used to keep in touch with, she even asked me never to e-mail her again (NICELY) because she said she couldn't even talk about A's anymore. It's like they just shoved this under the rug. I don't get it??? How do people just move on like that? I can barely make love to my H, I lost interest in so many things that I used to enjoy, and even xMM, when I bumped into him 2 weeks ago he seemed like this A never even happened for him. I see his W blabbing away on her Facebook page (she knows about the A) what a wonderful husband she has, on their anniversary she couldn't shut up about the "perfect" family they have, the love of her life, etc. I just wanna throw up! I know she is doing the best she can probably, so move past this, but still.

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< for most to just forget and move on,>>>
You are kidding, right? For most? Do you read this board on a daily basis, or even once a week for that matter? FOR MOST, it takes many, many months, sometimes years to "just forget and move on." Plus, those who are lucky enough to get past "most" of the pain, humiliation, remorse, guilt, internal destruction, etc., have worked very hard to get there. They did not continue casting their little fishing rod into the A cesspool hoping to lure their XJAM back in, even if it was for just a little nibble to feed their egos. ALL CONTACT was severed, and for those in LC such as myself, ALL A behavior (thoughts, actions, and manipulations) were permanently shelved.
<> See above.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. It's only been 3 months of NC (aside from your fishing attempts), and this is just a drop in the pan on the "healing" scale. We have VETS on this board who are just over a year out and are still dealing with the A aftermath in some capacity.
If you feel you are falling into depression then it's time to visit your doctor and get something for it. Many of us had to do this, myself included. It doesn't mean you have to stay on anti-Ds forever...just long enough to get you down the road some more.
One more thing. If your therapist is puzzled about your fog status, then I'm not quite sure how EASers can be your fogbusters, other than telling you to adhere to the rules of NC and give it more time.
Try reading here on a daily basis, especially the HL, and hopefully something will resonate with you that will shed some much needed light.
((Hugs))
LM3D,
Your message exudes with the hurt and grief of a newbie and no you are not alone in feeling screwed up.
I do read the board and have been reading it (even when I just lurked) for the past 7+ years.
Part of addiction is that you do fall off the wagon from time to time. I couldn't just get back to my life like everything was normal again. And yes, the addiction still holds a very strong bond over me, that's why I go to IC now to figure out WHY I can't let go?
Also, everyone deals with things differently. For me stupid little things like passing by the Diner we used to go to every week set me back like crazy!!! Which would trigger the fishing attempts for me, no matter how much I told myself I will just get hurt again. The fishing attempts on my end is due to the addiction I have to this person. My A lasted over 7 years, so please try to also understand that too.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself, because I don't wanna be in this limbo anymore.
Let me ask you this and I'm sorry if I don't know everyone's story here. How long did your A last, does your H know, etc.? In the past 3 months, let alone the past 6 months I have been intimate with my H (that I can remember) maybe like 3-4 times. And all because of him. He initiated it.
Part of moving on, is to reconcile with our H's, no? Well, my H knows about my A, so it's a little more difficult for us to just get back to normal now, let alone even enjoy sex. Lots of A's end, where the BS doesn't know the A ever happened. For us, it's an everyday reminder.
I can't just throw myself back at my H now. I am not like that and even if part of reconciling is that you have to bring the sparks back, I am sorry, but that's impossible for me when the feelings are not quite there anymore for my H. After all, A's happen for a reason, and if everything would be great in a M, than an A would not happen, correct? I do "love" him still, but not like a W should a H. Even when I try it just isn't there anymore between us and once again D is NOT an option for us. So, I am dealing with letting go off my A, trying to somehow get back a normal M, which isn't happening, we are more like brother and sister now, no sex, I am in IC, so yes, it's not very peachy for us at home right now.
As far as the meds go, I am sorry but I refuse to take them!!! I had a mild depression a while back, mainly just crying a lot and being sad, that I overcame, mainly because when I saw what anti-D meds do to a person, I refused to take them and get more screwed up. I had the doc prescribe it to me, than some other meds on top of it for the side effects, I was like NO THANKS!!! Most even make you suicidal, or a total zombie. And even my H was against it too.
Do you tend to obsess about other things in your life? You might have a little OCD. I know I had it really bad a couple of years ago and took medication and T to learn how to stop myself. It might be time to as your Dr. for some meds to help you with the obsessing. You haven't completely gone NC because you are still looking at his W's FB page. You are torturing yourself. Some marriages are better after an A, I can attest to that. My DH and I have NEVER been happier. I didn't even think it was possible. Now might be a good time to talk to hubby and tell him how you are feeling. When we are M and have an A we learn how to withdraw from our spouses to keep the A going. Maybe if you were totally honest with him the two of you could try to make a M made in Heaven. Maybe you can even show him what works for you in the sack. My DH and I play this little game where I dress up real sexy and go to a bar and he comes over with a pick up line, and then we go to a low budget hotel and fireworks happen. You should try it. Also, try sending hubby a naughty text. Work as hard on your M as you did in your A and wonderful things WILL happen in your M, I promise.
""""
Hi luvmy3dogs-
My A lasted over
LM3D,
You have received some of the best replies from not only our leader but from Lolly who has put tons of work into herself to get her where she is today.
I would assume I am not so much of a newbie when it comes to ending my A, because my A have ended more than I can count. And each time I figured it would get easier to just move on, but it's the same feelings I experience.
LM3D....Affairs are 95% about us (the A-havers) and our issues and 5% about the xap. This board can lead you to the water but we can't make you drink it sweetie!
NS
@Mom
I do have a little OCD but not to the point of checking door knobs 10 million times, or brush my teeth the same way. I basically am just neat, organized, but at the same time I can also be messy. I did realize that while in the A, the more xMM pushed me away the more I couldn't handle the rejection. It was killing me. So, that triggered me to call him or text him even more.
I really am not too big on meds. I actually hate them and I don't wanna have meds take over my life. I know it can also be addictive too. And being that I do have a problem with addiction (with my xMM), I know the meds will bring the worst out in me. I know this, because I am even allergic to Tylenol, which even shocked my doctors.
I am very happy that you were able to get your M back even better than before. But see, I feel the opposite way. My H knows everything about my feelings. I think I even mentioned it in an earlier thread of mine that I am brutally honest with him now. NOT hiding a thing from him anymore and I even tell him when I break NC.
It's not really about what works for me in the sack, because it would NOT be the same with my H as I did with my xMM. And it's not even my H, he is a wonderful guy, but I have changed as a woman (being with my H almost 18 years now), so my needs are different now. My desire, my passion is just not the same for my H anymore.
And as a matter of fact if I had to compare the 2 men, my H is far more adventurous in bed, yet I would still take xMM over him any day.
See, we tried that too, the role playing but I was so not into it with my H.
Same with the text messages. Hubby sends me sweet stuff throughout the day, I write back, but only because I feel obligated to do so. I know that sounds mean, but that's how I feel. No sparks!!! But hey, at least I'm being honest here about my feelings.
I just don't see it for myself, that when sparks are gone, they are GONE!!! It's like someone having to fall in love with someone again. I can't do that. For me it has to come from the heart, not worked on.
@Heart
I consoled in a close friend of mine recently about my A, only because she herself was in an A too, so I felt safe telling her about it. But what I realized is that after a while people DO get tired of hearing someone vent. She is nice to me, but I only talked to her about my situation once or twice, because I realized that I am sure she will not wanna hear about it all the time and even though I am not someone who bores people with my story. I do hold a lot into myself, just because over the years I realized that friends are really not what you dream about.
@New
Yes, and I do value every one of the replies I got.
Yeah, as far as the meds go, my H and I are totally against it. When I read what the side effects are, I literally tossed the samples in the garbage. And then I would have to take 2 other things for the side effects on top of the anti-D meds. No way! I have a kid who needs me and I can't become a zombie or suicidal.
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