my depression hurts like a physical

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
my depression hurts like a physical
2
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 7:19pm
pain.it aches in the side of my head & underneath my heart.
i called tdoc this morning to tell her how much pdoc's complete disregard of me made me feel angry & sad & helpless.she said something about "bad blood going on between dr.s" & him having more work than he can handle.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT I NEED & HOW I FEEL?
then my mother calls & basically tells me to get over it & stop thinking of it as rejection.she was too busy to listen as she was leaving for switzerland.nice life.i can't help it.this is like,um,maybe the seventh dr. who has treated me as tho i'm not worth their time.why else on earth would i be paying a dr. almost 400$ a session to treat me except that i was out of options.
& it's not as tho this dr. was treating my thyroid or bad knees or something.he(& the others)were in charge of my mental health!
& i'm supposed to suck it up & tell myself..oh well,their problem....& actually beleive it?
i feel very strongly about giving up.i feel old.i feel tired.i'm broke thru my own doing & being married is like having a parent you have to report to.
the children can't spend an afternoon without finding some fault with me,be it having to walk or not buying them what they want.
there is nothing about my life i enjoy.not a moment.
i don't think it's worth it anymore & i'm almost looking foward to the end of my life.
pathetic isn't it.i don't even go to the gyn or for regular checkups anymore b/c it would be completely hypocritical.i don't care if something is wrong with me or how late i might find out something was.
i'm getting so tired of being told to DEAL with it.45 years & i'm not any better.instead of recognising the beginning of a nervous breakdown,my husband has been telling me the equivalent of "it's a new day..you can start all over instead of screwing it up like yesterday"every morning.he would deny it.but that is exactly what i hear.
i cannot cannot cannot do this anymore.there should be euthanasia for mental illness.there really should.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:21am

u cannot give up, simply put. u must find yet another pdoc, or find deep within urself the strength and courage i know u have and MAKE HIM TREAT U!

u need meds, obviously...ur depression is bad right now.

i don't know what else to tell u, hon, except to CALL the pdoc's office, do not email, and demand some help. u deserve it. u have to believe that. okay?

we love u and we are here to listen and support u.

u are worth it.

keli

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:26am
now i've reached the bottom of my lithium bottle.i see he only ordered 30(tho it costs the same whether its 30 or 90)that's like a 12 day supply since i take 4 a day.
so i read the lable on the bottle he called in to the pharmacy & it says take one a day.
i'm completely confused now.
my h doesn't help when he says,maybe youre taking too many since 4 sounds like alot.
i'm more confused.
i've been taking 2 in the morning & 2 at night for more than a year now.
suddenly i think,uh oh maybe i messed up big time.
i take all my meds except my sleep ones & throw them away.
i can't take it anymore.
i have no one to talk to.everyone is sticking up for someone else.
i give up & i'm telling tdoc on sunday.