First T session today...
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| Thu, 03-31-2011 - 4:06am |
Hi all
Well I went to my first T session this afternoon- cried all the way through it.
I told her about my lack of any energy or empathy for my life the last few weeks. I am managing to do some exercise but I have also strong feeligs of depression, grief and general pointlessness for life.
It was actually amazingly powerful to actually tell someone outloud about the A and even say his name outloud (Christian name). She has given me some tips, recommeded a book which helps stop obsessive thinking, and I have to go back to the Dr for medication. Ive bee on antidepressants before so I could see this coming. We made another appt and I have some homework to do. All in all it was a very cathartic, exhausting but strangely relieving thing to go through.
BUT... there was one moment that took my breath away- thought Id share.
She asked me to say the first few words that come into my head to describe the A, and him, to her.
My words for the A were 'Frustrating, Treading on eggshells, anxiety ridden, lonely, a few bright moments initially, but they were never repeated, demeaning, belittling and obsessive'.
For him - egomaniac, workaholic, emotionally immature, a user, a liar, hard to be friends with.
She asked if I miss the friendship- I said no- I never considered him a real friend.
She asked what I am grieving. I said those first few illicit months when I felt desired, wanted, special.
She thinks I have an obsessive, addictive issue and exAP was simply the latest (best so far) drug of choice.
Anyway- the bit I thought may be useful for you too- is to describe the A and exAP in a few words. I bet the words 'love', support, succour, dont come up too quickly. Eye opener huh
Iggyxxxx (with red wine in hand- ugh it was a tiring day).

Hi Iggy, good work with the therapy session! I can hear the relief and new found clarity in your voice.
First words that come to mind for the A - exhausting, demanding, draining. (Wow, those are the words that came out first, but they're totally at odds with the fantasy that I "remember" when I "miss" him. Huh. Weird.) As for xAP - handsome,
I keep checking PMs but only seem to get some from Iddy- noone else. Could you pass your email to Iddy?
Yeah I always think that I miss this great love affair. When I had to describe it though to a complete stranger- the words that best described it were all negative. So interesting.
But truth is I feel a lot better from talking to the T today. It may be a long haul- but Im on the right track.
Iggy
I am so proud of you that I could burst. You took a big......no, make that a HUGE step on the "Iggy's going to get past this" road out of hell. Releasing all of those emotions in a controlled, therapeutic environment with someone who wants to help you, is the best thing you could have done for yourself. We can only do so much on our end, but still they are just words.
Oh Iddy thank you :)
My addiction to approval has shifted to you- you know that dont you :)
But in all seriousness I feel exhausted, relieved and...... right.
I feel like I am on the right track and finally these up and down mountains may become up and down hills (wth MY mindset and MY actions determining how big these ups and downs are :)
Its all about me- and probably for the first time- I am actually GETTING that!
Iggyx
It *IS* all about you now, honey.
As far as only getting my PMs, I noticed you have two avatars when I go to send you one. So to be safe, I check off both of them when I send one to you. Maybe that's why you are getting mine and no one elses. They need to check the flower avatar and the generic one from when you registered before (Is my guess).
Whatever, it seems to be working.
((Hugs))
IGGY Congrats!