can i say... (yes, trigs...)
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| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:18pm |
again...
I HATE BIPOLAR!!!
and LIFE
and EVERTHING
thank you. :)
Okay...so I bought ciggs last night...AND with the last of my money. Lovely of me to do that, huh? I couldn't help it. I'm in pain, depressed, but agitated, sick with a sinus infection and my back and legs HURT!
How much can one person take?
Eric came over last night and spent the night and it was okay...but I didn't want him there...I love him, he's my heart...but I HAVE TO LIVE ALONE! I love him so much for pushing me to be alone and stand on my own again. He did that for me, and I love him for that always...now that I'm used to it, I crave it.
So...my son is still manicky...when I got home with his dad, he said, thanks a hell of a lot for bringing HIM here...i didn't say anything...dh thinks I'm scared of him, and I guess in a way I am...not physcially, cuz I would so call 911 on him and put him i/p. But I dunno...I guess I cower around his moods...suck as a mom. He thinks he's big man around the house, and I perpetrate that...
dangit...i'm so F ' ed up.
i am so sick of so much that i cannot change...
if i had just a tiny bit of money, i would sooooooooo go away...
AND...when my pdoc leaves...who the hell is going to save me then???? i can't stop thinking about it...i love her, she is my salvation...wtf.
i have no food in my house, and no money...eric said he will get some today, but i don't see it happening...i am freaking out here...when you can't feed your kid, wtf...i don't care about eating...i am going to take tylenol pms allllllll weekend and sleep...the whole weekend long...

((((((((((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I so know where you're at right now sweetie but you can't give up! You just CAN'T! So you bought a pack of smokes. Ok, you still know you need/want to quit, right now just isn't the time. I know. I've had many "practice quits" and am still waiting for the one that will stick. Praying each time that that's the one. And I'm getting close, I can feel it. You will too. Just don't give up.
And as for Eric helping out right now, let him! You may feel uncomfortable about it, but hon, you are in that bad place again and you need someone who cares about you to be there irl for you and like it or not, it sounds like Eric is it. Let him pamper you a little.
And as for DS, if he is getting out of hand with his manic episode, maybe i/p is an option. I don't have a birds-eye view of what exactly is going on in the home, but he doesn't have the right to speak to you or his father that way and if he gets to a point where he becomes physically aggressive don't hesitate to put him in. I know when it's your own child it's hard. I came close not too long ago with my 16 yo dd. She spiraled down and it wasn't looking good, but the pdoc got her meds adjusted and she rebounded fortunately.
My point here is you are NOT a bad mom!!!!!!!!!!! Repeat that 50 times!!!!!!!!!!! You are a good mom who has an illness and your son has an illness and you both need to find a middle ground. But he needs to accept that you and Eric just can't erase 17+ years of history overnight because it inconveniences him. You and Eric parted on good terms and by God, if you can keep it that way, then I say go for it. And Mike should be grateful for that. I know my kids wish their dad was around more than what he is. Don't let Mike brow beat you honey. You ARE a good mom and if you and Eric are still close, than so be it. Mike will just have to adjust.
Remember I'm here for you too. With softball and football, I may not always be online, but email me or send me a text. I always have my cell with me. Hang in there sweetie.
Love You!
Traci
I am glad Eric is being there for you. You may not want to need him but you do for somethings. He is your best friend. If you need time alone let Eric know. I am sorry to hear Mike is having a hard time with situation but he will get use to it. Even though we all care about our kids feelings, we have to remember they are the kids and we are the adults(kinda...lol) and we make the decisions. You need to do what is best for you. Take time to rest this weekend...you deserve it.
~ Tina ~