apology, updatey, triggery kinda post...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
apology, updatey, triggery kinda post...
4
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:20pm

Hi. It's been a while. Sorry I haven't been around to support anyone. I've been trying to read and keep up on how everyone is doing but I've not done a very good job. I know there have been a few good posts and quite a few hardships lately. I am very sorry that some of you are going through some really tough times. I hope that things start looking up for everyone soon. I wish I could be a little more active here again, but right now that isn't really possible.

As for me, things were going well when I called pdoc at the start of a mixed episode and upped the topamax to 75mg at the beginning of the month. The meds worked quickly and helped for a while. Then, I slowly started to crash. I got more and more tired (depression and med increase); my coworkers asked if I was ok because I looked so worn out. I was only working about 2 hours/day 4 days/week. I saw the pdoc around the 8th, got my new rx for the topamax and started 100mg this past Mon (mail order takes forever). I'm at my "target" for now; we will add 25mg as needed if I become manic or have more mixed episodes. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything. My depression is back full steam with a lot of anxiety and the xanax isn't working. So, I called the pdoc again to up the bupropion and get a new rx for xanax (the old one expired). For some reason he didn't call back yesterday. I was pretty pissed. SO, being the brilliant person I am, I came to the conclusion that no pdoc call, xanax not working, depressed, extremely anxious, lots of stress(family problems): solution...alcohol! Mind you, I haven't had a drink since the end of March when I was having a "little bit" (meaning a lot) of a drinking problem and I was not on any meds at that time. So, now I'm on meds, some of which have lovely large warning labels on the side that very clearly state, in pictures and words, that you should not drink alcohol while taking them. OOPS. So, it is rather obvious I am making a conscious choice to do this. Wtf is my problem?? Today, I get a message from pdoc to increase the afternoon dose of bupropion. I take my increased dose and chase it down with a mixed drink..yeah, that's really smart. Then, I picked up my new rx for xanax after stopping at the state store. I have been craving alcohol for weeks (more like months) now and I've been able to stay away. Yesterday I gave in. I have so much going on in my life right now and I really need to be able to get stuff done but I'm struggling to do it and making really stupid choices. I usually am manic right about now, but the topamax has taken that away; I mean, it's doing its job, so I should be happy, but I'm not. I am addicted to the highs. I'm not taking care of myself right now and when (and if-wanting to cancel) I go back to tdoc, if I'm actually honest with her I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable position.

Ok, I'm done venting. I'll get my sh!t together soon. Once I get my routine re-established hopefully that will help. I'm going to stop rambling now...

Take care everyone. Even though I don't post much, I do try to read daily. I think of all of you often. You are all in my prayers.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 5:19pm

((((((((((((((((((Peg))))))))))))))))))) Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. Ok, so you fell off the wagon. So did I last week with the smokes. It happens. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and climb back on the wagon. You know what you need to do and you know that alcohol is only going to make things worse. So ask yourself do you really want things to get worse? I know when I slipped up with the smokes, my kids got very upset with me. Which, for me, made the slip that much worse. And, it also made getting back "on the wagon" easier. The other thing to consider is that the stressors that drove you to drink, I'd be willing to bet, are still there when you sober up, yes? Only you have added a hangover into the mix. I'm not telling you what to do, I"m just trying to point out the pros and cons of the drinking since that seems to be your main concern in your post.


If you are feeling depressed maybe the topamax dosage is too high. Being it's used as a mood stabilizer (i.e., an anti-manic) if the dose is too high then chances are it will bring you down. Just a thought on my part. It's something worth mentioning to your pdoc though. And hopefully the increase in the wellbutrin will help too.


And don't worry about not posting regularly. We definitely understand. The board has been slower during the summer months anyway for some reason. I guess everyone is busy with their own stuff. I know I've been busier during the summer than I am during the regular school year. It's been unreal. So hang in there sweetie. And post as often as you can. We're here for you.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 2:39pm

Peg, I believe things WILL get better once school starts and the routine starts again - hopefully that will settle some things down for you.
HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSS

Love ya, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:42pm
Hey Peg!
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with the topomax. It is hard when the mood stablizers bring you down and you want nothing but mania back. Is your pdoc willing to prescribe an AD with it? I hope that you find some peace with your mood soon. It's such a battle and I know that you will win in the end!!! Hang in there, and don't worry about not posting. I think we all know what it feels like to feel so bad that you aren't in any place to write something, but we know you're here in heart :)
Stay strong,
Meg
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 7:19pm

Hey Meg! How are you doing??? Hope your meds are still working for you and that you are feeling better.

To answer your question, I am on an antidepressant. It just wasn't working so well. Pdoc increased it on Fri. so we'll see how long that works. It seems that the a/d tends to put me into a mixed episode instead of a "pure" hypo or manic episode, and they are just horrible. So, when the mixed episodes come, we have to up the topamax to get them under control fast, then, it's calm and crash. It's just a cycle I have to get used to. Eventually it will even out. Maybe the a/d I'm on just isn't the right one. I at least have a lot more energy right now (which is great cuz I'm working 12-14 hour days for the next week or two). My anxiety is still way up, still have a little depression but with working at least I have something to keep my mind occupied.

Let me know how you're doing!!

Hugs,
Peg