I am doing soooooo badly...trigs, bad
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| Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:49pm |
THERE ARE HUGE TRIGGERS HERE...BE CAREFUL...
TRIGS
TRIGS
TRIGS
Everything is so horrible right now...I'm in a mixed episode...and its so awful. I'd forgotten just how awful those can be...and in that mixed episode, I'm cycing between the two, so fast that I don't know what is what anymore. I'm crying all the time. But I'm also agitated. Nothing is good. I'm very triggered. I'm very suicidal, but its thoughts so far...i am not in danger. i want to si, badly...but seeing as i am FLAT broke, and i have nothing sharp enough at home to si with, that won't happen either.
I came in to work so i could post here and get some of this out...I hate life. I hate myself...I hate everything. I hate living this life...I hate being bipolar...I hate my abuser...(yes, i've had flashbacks...). I hate that I can't just die if i wanted to...I hate that I have to live in this hell...I hate being in pain all the time...I hate never being happy...I hate never feeling good...I hate just wanting it to be night time, so I can go to sleep...but, ha ha on me...I've had nightmares lately...I hate when people say this will pass...its hell now...and it will be hell again...I hate when people say i should be thankful for my blessings...okay, yeah. But I am NOT thankful for this...I am NOT thankful for BP, PTSD, for being abused, for being traumatized...for being raised by a father who was a drug addict and a cheater...and who had me and my brother on drugs when we were just 13 and 14 years old...i love my father with all of my heart, i do...he's changed and a better man...but he started so much of this, and i can never tell him...i never will. i hate that my brother is now a druggie and an alcholic felon on the run from the law, who doesn't see his girls ever, and who is BP and hits his g/f...i hate that his ex-witch, who used to be my best friend, thinks i am the devil reincarnate becuz she saw me during a manic episode and she took the girls away from me too...the girls who I RAISED when they were babies...i'm not that bad...i hate that i got on drugs...i hate what they did to my life...i hate that i made so many bad decisions when i was manic...before i knew what manic was...i made life hell for my kid...but i made it better...worse for me, but better for him...and that's what counts...
i hate so much...i'm so angry...bp has taken so much from me...i'm no longer who i was...and i loved that person...i'm a mere shell...and that shell is freaking ugly and not at all what it once was either...
its not fair...not one bit...i try very hard not to feel sorry for myself...but i am not super keli...i am just as vulnerable as anyone...
i don't want to do this anymore. at all.
i've been so snippy and so short with eric this weekend...he's been patient...but why? he says he loves me more than i know...i don't know why he should...i'm just a freak...i am never happy...i'm always sad, angry, crying, suicidal, or stupid manic happy...never for real happy...that's all i want...and with this stupid freaking bp crap, i will never have it...
he should really just leave me alone for real. he would be much better off.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Keli))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry I didn't get your text until this morning. My phone's been acting up and I'm not getting messages/calls again until much later than when they are actually sent. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it. But getting it out and off your chest may help a little. I'm not saying it will change anything but at least it's out there for us to see.
I know how sick of this that you are. I haven't been fighting this as long as you, and I know how sick of it I am, so I can only imagine your level of frustration. I want you to do me a favor and moreso yourself a favor. First thing tomorrow morning I want you to call your pdoc and tell her exactly what you put in this post. E-mail it to her if you have to. She needs to hear/see it. She can help you if she knows the deal. Ya know what I mean? I know she's retiring and to be honest, I think that's part of what set you off, but until she does, she's still your pdoc and is still there to help you.
And Eric loves you and wants to help you. I know you think he'd be better off leaving you alone, but he's worried about you just as I am. The difference is he's able to be there physically for you whereas I am not unfortunately. Let him help you. I know you don't think you deserve it and all that, but sweetie you DO deserve it. It's generosity and love he's offering.......not pity. There's a difference. And you don't have to be "super Keli" as you put it. Just be yourself. And if that involves having a breakdown then so be it. You are entitled. But know that you have friends who are here for you and want to help you through it.
I know you're sick of the mood swings and mixed episodes. Lord knows I know. But hopefully if you call pdoc tomorrow, she can figure something out to get you through this quickly. So please promise me you will call her. Okay? And let me know how you're doing. Send me a text or an e-mail or something. Hopefully after I'm done with my phone company they'll get the problem with my phone straightened out and I'll get my messages on time.
Hang in there sweetie.
Love You,
Traci
Keli,
I wish there was something wonderful I could say or do that would make this all go away for you.
All I can do is offer my friendship. I hope that you are feeling better soon. Try to stay strong.
Hugs,
Peg
(((((((((((((((((((((((KELI)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish I could be there to give you that big hug.
YOU NEED TO CALL YOUR PDOC...she is still your pdoc right now. Call her.
I am glad you were able to get this out to us. I too have been dealing with this bp for a long long time, since my teens. Only I wasn't dx'd until 5 years ago. I think about "IF" I was dx'd earlier how much I wouldn't have lost to this illness. It really puts an empty hole in your heart. Not being able to get that time back and do it better with the help of better meds. For me it would have been nice to have had more guidance when I was real young. I felt neglected and alone. From what you have described here it seems you had your share of a lot of those feelings as well. It is so hard to be a little girl and having to be an adult instead. Just wanting someone to protect you and keep you feeling safe and loved.
Us growing up in an alcoholic family...our dads being that way and my dad was into drugs as well. I know that even though you and I have experienced a lot of the same things we feel differently about them and we were affected differently and how are lives were affected by it is different. I just want you to know I do understand why you feel the way you do and you have every right to. I wish there was some way you could see a tdoc. He/ She could help you with all these feelings you are having.
You are a good person and a good friend. Thank you for being part of my life.
Eric loves you and wants to be there for you. Don't push him away. I am glad he looks out for you.
Keli, you need to try and stop beating yourself up about the past. I do know that is hard to do because I tend to go there as well and beat myself up. We have to learn we can't change the past. I wish we could. I would change a lot. You are
~ Tina ~