New Here may contain triggers don't know
Find a Conversation
New Here may contain triggers don't know
| Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:34pm |
HI My name is Kay,
I am 29 years old and have been dealing with bp for a long time. I was only dx with the illness a few years ago. I have been coming to the board for a little while just reading the messages. Thought I might join in. I am having a really tough time. some of it is my own fault. I have found it real difficult to take my meds all the time. My husband of 7 yrs died last september from a long and difficult illness. I spent most of our marriage taking him to and from doctors. His medical issues were always in the forefront of my mind. I made sure I was always taking care of him. I left a lot of my own needs unmet. Now being alone I don't know what to do with myself or how to care for myself. I must sound very stupid huh? Lately I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts. As well as thoughts to drink. I would love to numb out. Deep down I know that is not the answer but it sounds so good. I just want relief from my bp as well as from the grief. I tend to cycle rather quickly. I will feel depressed for a couple of weeks then onto the manic side. I would love to get off the bp rollercoaster. I have a pdoc and a therapist but it is difficult at times to be honset with them due to my own issues. I have been hospitalized in the past and will do anything not to go back and I guess that is one of my issues afraid I will say the wrong thing to my therapist and end up in the hosptial. Right now I am still managing to work and I am going back to college in a week. I could use any suggestions on how to cope with this all. Sorry for complaining. After reading a lot of the posts my issues are nothing compared to others.
thanks
Kay
I am 29 years old and have been dealing with bp for a long time. I was only dx with the illness a few years ago. I have been coming to the board for a little while just reading the messages. Thought I might join in. I am having a really tough time. some of it is my own fault. I have found it real difficult to take my meds all the time. My husband of 7 yrs died last september from a long and difficult illness. I spent most of our marriage taking him to and from doctors. His medical issues were always in the forefront of my mind. I made sure I was always taking care of him. I left a lot of my own needs unmet. Now being alone I don't know what to do with myself or how to care for myself. I must sound very stupid huh? Lately I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts. As well as thoughts to drink. I would love to numb out. Deep down I know that is not the answer but it sounds so good. I just want relief from my bp as well as from the grief. I tend to cycle rather quickly. I will feel depressed for a couple of weeks then onto the manic side. I would love to get off the bp rollercoaster. I have a pdoc and a therapist but it is difficult at times to be honset with them due to my own issues. I have been hospitalized in the past and will do anything not to go back and I guess that is one of my issues afraid I will say the wrong thing to my therapist and end up in the hosptial. Right now I am still managing to work and I am going back to college in a week. I could use any suggestions on how to cope with this all. Sorry for complaining. After reading a lot of the posts my issues are nothing compared to others.
thanks
Kay

Hi Kay and welcome to our board! First of all, there's no need to apologize for posting your feelings. They are your feelings and are not any less than any of our feelings. The circumstances may be different, but the common thread is still bp.
As for the fears of hospitalization, I share them as well. When I get into a severe depressive episode that's the first place my mind goes. I, however, have never been i/p. But I have come close several times. As long as you are not a danger to yourself or others chances are slim that you will be hospitalized. But, it does sound like you need to take your meds. Those are important. If they aren't helping, then your pdoc needs to know. Otherwise he/she can't help you. Your tdoc is also there to help you. They don't want to see you hospitalized anymore than you want to. But they can't help you if they don't know how to.
And, you are right in knowing that drinking isn't the answer to dealing with your grief and pain from the bp. I come from parents who are/were both alcoholics. It's very easy for me to fall in the same trap. I've involved myself in Al-anon which helps keep me on the right path. I lost my dad 3 years ago and while it's not the same as losing a spouse I can relate to the grief process. Your tdoc can help you with that as well.
Bottom line is it's time for you to take care of you. And to do that you need to enlist the help of your pdoc and tdoc as well as what you've just done by posting here. We're a wonderful source of support and I'm glad you found us. You've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. It will take time to heal, but we are here for you. Keep on posting as often as you want. We look forward to getting to know you better.
Hugs,
Traci
Hi Kay...
First off, my deepest sympathies to you. Secondly, and most important!!! YOUR ISSUES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS EVERYONES!!! You've probably read all my stuff lately...ugh. I so know how you feel. I've been hospitalized too, too many times. But its helped each time, to learn how to cope...and how to prevent being hospitalized again!
What meds do you take, hon?
I know so well, what it feels like, to not know what to do with yourself...my husband and i separated...and while its different, there is still that grieving aspect involved...its like i'm trapped inside myself sometimes and i don't know how to get out. i don't know if you feel that way at all, but its tough!
all that, plus being bp...ugh!
i'm glad you came here...we are so loving and caring and close here...talk about anything!!! as much as you want. we are here for you.
love and hugs,
keli
Hi and Welcome.
Don't have much more to add but just that please don't think you need to apologize for posting your feelings or thinking that someone else's are more important or that what you are going thru is not as bad.
God could not be everywhere, so
Many hugs to you, Kelli
I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. I can't imagine what it must have been like taking care of him, much less while being bp. I know how hard it can be to open up with a therapist and I honestly think that one of the tricks is finding one you're comfortable with. I'm on my 6th and finally I have the right one! Don't give up until you find someone you can really talk to because that's what you need right now. Someone to support YOU instead of the opposite. Best of luck and hang around, let us know how you're doing.
Meg