New ... been lurking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
New ... been lurking
10
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 12:33pm

Hi

I am 13 days after the ending of an A that lasted 5 months. Predominantly EA but

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 1:57pm

TYO,

Thank you for introducing yourself and welcome to our community. There are several gals here who work with their XAPs, and you may have already picked up through some of my posts that I do too. My A has been over now for almost 7 years, so I am living proof that it does get easier, you will heal from this, and someday you will not give a hoot one way or another what XAP does, says, is or was. It will take time though, and determination on your part. You need to be/act completely professional (I think you are already doing this and that is great), never be alone with him if at all possible, avoid him as much as you can, and keep yourself busy with your work.

If you haven't already, read the thread, "How to Maintain LC at the workplace" in the Healing Library. Following those rules worked for me and for many others. If some of the tips don't apply, implement the ones that will. Disengaging your emotions is what will evertually save your sanity and your job. :smileywink: Some find it impossible to continue working with their XAP, but twice I ended my A and twice I had to continue working side by side with him. I just put my need for a pay check above my need for acknowledgement and validation. That is what sucked me into it in the first place.

Determine why you went too far with this guy, and then burn those bridges one by one. An EA can be just as difficult as an PA to end, sometimes even harder because woman are such emotional beings. And you are right about how we make it more than what it was/is. Woman tend to romanticize the attention and flattery they get much more than men do. We interpret it as "They must be really into us," where men *use* flattery and attention to get their egos fed. Affairs are all about feeding egos and making one another feel better about themselves. It's only a temporary high, yet enough to get us addicted to them. This is what makes affairs so hard to end. No one likes having to give up their drug of choice, knowing they will have to face painful withdrawals when they do..<<

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You take it one day at a time. You hold your head up high and fake it until you make it. You put on a happy face and push through the discomfort and pain. Eventually your heart will start to follow your mind and you will notice that it starts getting a little easier as each week passes.

You can do this, Yellow. We are here to help you in whatever capacity we can, so continue reading, posting, and giving us updates. Also spend as much time as you can in the Healing Library. There is enough information there to keep you reading for a very long time. :smileywink:

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 2:29pm

Ditto what Iddy said - one day at a time. Anticipating that good days will follow bad days and vise versa helps - so that you are not caught off-guard.

I'm sending you hugs as someone who also works with her xAP and experienced the heart-ache that you are feeling now.

Trust me (us) - it DOES get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 3:43pm

Yellowone,

Your situation is very similar to mine, I am just about 3 weeks out of a 4 month EA, 1 month PA with a person that I work with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 5:21pm

Thank you so much for your replies - it is helping to write it down and really see it for what it is.

Iddy - You take it one day at a time. You hold your head up high and fake it until you make it. You put on a happy face and push through the discomfort and pain.

I am trying so hard to do this - it is difficult as there has never been any unpleasantness between us and there still isn't - it is just that I am hurting and finding it difficult to adjust. I fear losing the support at work and feel vulnerable to be working to him. It would be easy to respond as friends.

I definitely romanticised the situation - i didn't at first - but over time fell into that.

nvrsaynvr4- good days are following bad - last week even seemed easier largely cos I was angry.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 6:38pm
Hi Yellow, a very warm welcome to EAS. You do have a lot in common with Tuff, and I'm so pleased that her posts encouraged you to share your story. Are you you married or single? I have to admit to feeling cross with men (or women) in a senior position in a workplace who cross professional boundaries like this. I realise that you have a history as friends and that what happened before was probably consensual, but if he continues to make personal approaches I would strongly encourage you to document it all, and make it absolutely clear that his interest is unwelcome. Workplace harassment is not OK.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I just want to encourage you to be kind to yourself in these early days and weeks. Read as much as you can in the Healing Library, post often, and spend time with people who care about you. I understand how much it hurts, and my heart goes out to you. You will get through this, and we'll all be here to support you.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 10:13pm

Hi Yellow,

I want to welcome you to EAS too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 11:42am
Thank you Kat and markscloud.

I am married and so is xAP. I think i wanted to make sure the change in status at work didn't affect our friendship so have not really thought about it in a crossing of professional boundaries. But of course it was. I think the acting as though nothing has happened is his way of dealing with that. I am just keeping away from personal interaction. It is difficult though when you get work emails and have to refer to him for work issues.

Feeling a bit blue about it happening as the friendship should have been more than enough and it all feels so spoilt now. Hopefully time wll normalise that feeling.

Thanku again for listening.

theyellowone

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 3:11pm
I am so with you, working with them is horrible. That was always a red flag to me - don't do this with someone you work with!!!!! Shoulda listened to myself, on many levels. Thinking of you today Yellowone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 4:06pm
Thank you- having a bit of a wobble tonight after feeling strong all day. Just came over me - trying to divert thoughts but hard. Grrr. It will pass.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 6:31pm
ME TOO! It's been a hard day... just trying to stay busy... We'll do it together Yellowone because I keep wanting to contact him but that is a bad, bad, BAD idea!