Ready to run....(poss triggs)
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Ready to run....(poss triggs)
| Sat, 09-02-2006 - 10:40pm |
Why do I have this incessant need to run. Is it fight or flight? Am I afraid to fight my own demons? My own disorder? I know I can’t run from it so what is this feeling I am having. I am seriously contemplating being on my own, just leaving this place and starting over. That means leaving my DH and 2DS's. I don't want to leave them forever, but I feel like I have to. I want to be able to think clearly, with out so many thoughts, and things, and people in my face all the time. I just need time and space. I can never get enough time and space, and space and time. Away from everyone, away from everything, away from myself. Away from reality. Can I ever get away from this, will it ever get better. Do I need to go, or is this too a phase that will pass. What am I supposed to do in the mean time. I feel like I’m going insane. I have a family, a household to keep in order. I am the only one, and I can’t even keep myself in order. Why is this happening to me. Why do I feel like I’m hanging onto the edge of a cliff and there’s no one there to hold me up. I’m slipping, falling, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Do you have any "me time" or "me space", for example- locking the bathroom door and soaking in the tub for 30 minutes or laying in the hammock reading a book. Everyone needs personal time to just be, or to relax. It doesn't mean that you don't love your family, in fact, when you are aware of your own needs and are able to meet them, you're helping yourself to be more accessible to your family's needs as well. I've always said you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself. That may sound selfish to some people, but when you're running on empty it's so much easier to snap at family.
I wouldn't suggest running. I think you may regret it later. It does sound like you're really needing some personal time though, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I love my DSD with all my heart, but after days of her constant talking (even though she's a very happy positive child and doesn't whine) just the constant talking gets to me and I have to tell her that I just need a few minutes if she could go play. I just explain that I love her, and I love talking to her, but sometimes I get tired and have to have a little bit of quiet time to myself. Even if it's surfing the ivillage messageboards and having a coke at the computer, it's my alone time.
Hopefully you can take some time in a room, or long baths, or maybe going for a drive or shopping, where the kids stay home with dad.
Hi jchich21-
Sorry you are feeling this way- I can't speak for anyone else here, but I too experience this and for me, it is part of the illness. I have taken off (basically ran away for 4 days- dh knew what state I was in and I arranged child care). I was married at the time and had a 4yo ds. I'm still married to the same man and now also have a 3yo dd (ds is now 8) and for about the last 4 months I've been on the verge of running again. At the time I ran, I was not in therapy and was not on meds. I've been in therapy for about 18 mos now and on meds for about 2mos. so I've made my "urges" known so tdoc and pdoc can help keep me from running again. My 4 day "trip" was the only time I really ran, but there are other times that I have taken off for the day to escape because I just couldn't handle being around my family- or, myself, so I just left. I'd go shopping or just drive around because I couldn't interact with people- my thoughts were too much and social interaction just wasn't possible (too frustrating).
For me, this feeling does pass. Not totally, but the majority of it passes. The reality of this illness is always going to be in my mind...I'll never get away from that.
Are you in therapy or on medication...I know, standard questions, sorry, I had to ask...they aren't the answer to every problem in the world, just sometimes helpful.
Do you get down time? I go to the gym or take a walk or go for a bike ride. When my mind is really going and I can't even concentrate doing those things, listening to music, guided imagery or journaling helps me to get through- or, I see tdoc weekly instead of biweekly.
Unfortunately, sometimes the suggestions just don't help. When I'm really in a funk and really "busy" in my mind and wanting to escape, no matter what I do I just can't get it together. I just have to wait until it passes- and sometimes it feels like an eternity- but it does pass. Now that I have a pdoc, some meds do help out and make it easier...
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Hugs,
Peg
**Hopefully you can take some time in a room, or long baths, or maybe going for a drive or shopping, where the kids stay home with dad.**
That's a HUGE part of the problem. DH is a work-a-holic and also working on becoming an alchoholic. We have been fighting so much this year. Part of what prompted me to go to tdoc in the first place, where I proceeded to be dx'd with BP (let me tell you that was a total shocker!) Now that I am aware of many more issues that I have in my own life, I am really afraid that doing what I have to do to take care of me, may mean leaving dh. He puts more stress on my life than provides support. He has PTSD and is struggling with a drinking problem. I have suggested separation but he proceeds to blame it all on me and my BP. I don't want to be the bad guy in all of this if we do wind up splitting. I also love my children very much but honestly think of how nice it would be to have every other weekend off (I feel terrible for even saying that but it's true).
This weekend as an example: DH worked Saturday from 6:00am - 10:00pm. Then he called and asked me if I could come in and help him work for a while because coworker called in sick. I got a sitter and went down there for 3 hours and drove the beer cart around (he's a golf course manager). I was stressed out by him most of the time because he was stressed and was taking it out on me. Almost started a fight, but I bit my tongue. Then he gets home from work last night and forgot to pick up milk, so I went to the store for milk and cigs. and told him I was stopping over at my friends house for a beer on the way back just to get out for a while. He was so pissed off when I got home because I was gone for an hour and fourty five minutes. I apologized but didn't really mean it and he knew that. I just don't think it's fair that he can be so upset about me getting out. He says he understands that I need to, but if he really did, wouldn't he be more understanding??? He says I was being rude to him because I left the second he got home. Mind you it was right after I created this post and was on the verge of jumping out of my skin. I guess part of it is my fault because I don't share all of my feelings with him. Sometimes I just don't feel like expressing my feelings all the time. I don't think it's necessary.
Back to DH's weekend Schedule - today he left at 6:00am again and is working until 4:00 then going to a friends house for a Fantasy Football draft and "isn't sure if he'll be coming home or not" It's a long drive home from his friends house and I don't like him drinking and driving. (I'm pretty sure I won't see him). Then Monday he has to be to work by 1:00 and won't be home until 10:00 again. So basically NO- I don't get down time unless I hire a babysitter, which I might do on Monday for a while. I'm starting to resent DH and he thinks that he is really making an effort to help out more around the house, and be here. It's just not enough for me. I don't know if it will ever be enough (part of BP for me I think).
I am really wanting to leave right now, but I know that is not what's best for my children. I just don't know if I'm strong enough right now to be there for them in a capacity that they need. Hopefully this passes sooner than later.
Thanks for your support!
Jenn
(((((Jenn))))) I don't know
Do you get any time to yourself? I would think that is most important at a time like this. Just make sure your family is aware that you need time and it's very important. I don't think you should just take off and leave forever, and least not until you've had time to yourself to clearly think it over. I hope you get out of this soon. Is your family unsupportive of you? If they aren't I think you would regret leaving them later on. Do you really not want to see your sons again?
Meg
I *so* know how you feel. I get that way whenever I don't get enough alone time and I need a lot. When I was married to my 2nd DH it got so bad once that I went to stay at a hotel for a couple days just so I could be away (we arranged it ahead of time). I call in sick to work so I can have time by myself when the kids are in school. I read one of your subsequent posts about your DH being gone a lot. Mine is too but my kids are older. If you can afford it I'd suggest getting a babysitter at least once a week and going and doing something for yourself. Time with friends is a great one for me.
Hugs,
Morgaine
OK I never said that I didn't want to see my kids ever again. I love them and couldn't imagine leaving them. Sometimes I get the feeling like they'd be better off with out me and that is the only reason that I want to leave them. For fear of scaring them for live and having them wind up in therapy someday too. I tend to yell a lot!! I have to get control of my temper and irritability.
MEDS - I was only recently dx'd with BP about 3 months ago. Just went to pdoc for the first time about 3 weeks ago and got put on Lamictal. I am only up to 50mg and I'm really not sure how it's affecting me right now. I just started the 50mg (went up from 25mg) this past week and I have been feeling like I am in a mixed state right now. Never experienced that before (at least not while I've been aware of it happening). I'm so tired and feel physically depressed but I can't shut my mind off, which is frustrating me because there is so much I want to get done but don't have the energy to do it. Then there are my wonderful children who have no one else to turn to but me because H (not dh today) is gone all weekend. I do have plans to get a sitter for a while tomorrow and get out and have some Me time. I think the biggest challenge for me with that is not feeling guilty about leaving my children every weekend with someone else.
Support - as for family support the only people that know that I am BP are my husband, my mom and dad, and my brother(also BP). My family understands the illness very well because my brother has been dx with BP for over 10 years and is very bad off. My family lives far away (over 4 hours) and it isn't easy for me to just run over there or rely on them when I need them because they have their own lives. DH's family I don't think would understand the illness and if we ever split it will be because "I was crazy". They have said that about other people in their family, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing that part of me with them. Oh yeah the other person that knows is my "close friend". A male coworker that I have been spending much of my "Me" time with lately. He takes me away from reality. I know that isn't a healty situation to be in either, but I got involved when I was way hypo-manic and now we have an emotional connection. So yeah, needless to say my life is a little turned upside down right now. Hense, my wanting to go screaming into the night only to wind up in Canada, or Mexico by myself and experience life as a completely different person for a while. I know I can't leave my kids, which is why I'm struggling. If I had no responsiblities, I WOULD be in another country right now, or at least another town, or somewhere. I'd be out of here, but here I sit, waiting for the phases to pass. I wish there was someone like tdoc or pdoc or someone to talk to when I'm feeling like this. Meanwhile my kids are screaming in the backgrouond, so I better go.
Thanks!
Chica