Anger Vs. Sadness... Keep thinking of telling exAP's wife...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Anger Vs. Sadness... Keep thinking of telling exAP's wife...
10
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 8:38pm

I know I am going to get a lot of slack for this but the constant swing between anger and sadness has me reeling today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
OMG Tuff, I could have written this post WORD FOR WORD two weeks after my ending. I felt exactly like that - the anger, the thinking that his wife should now (I had even composed the 'anonymous' email I would send), the resentment of his devoted family man image and perfect life, the injustice of suffering while he was fine. The whole she bang.

Tuff, it is a phase and it will pass and when it does you will be soooo pleased that you stayed out of his life. You cannot predict the consequences of anything you say to her and EVERYTHING I have read suggests it will only backfire and hurt you more.

I know how awful those feelings are but please just ride them out.

Big hugs

Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
"Bastard, why can't I stop thinking about you."

One thing that was essential to recovering from my affair was the recognition that I could actually CHOOSE to NOT think about xAP. I may not have been always able to control when he would pop into my brain, but once in there, I could make decisions to get HIM OUT. I could say to myself "STOP", I could get busy, I could ask MYSELF why I was willing to entertain ANY thoughts of him when all the answers lead to: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

Try it ... any thought, question etc ... you have about your xAP - answer yourself with "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER". Don't allow yourself to ruminate, fixate, obsess over something and someone that just doesn't matter.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

ALL about you.

Wanting him to suffer - isn't that just such a clear sign of how LITTLE we actually did care about them? There is no one else in my life who I wished more unhappiness for than my xAP those first few weeks out. Then, I saw the look on his wife's face after Dday, and let me tell you, HE NOR I EVER suffered the way she did. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

You and I were not victims. We weren't lured into these affairs. We knew what we were doing was wrong. WRONG. But we did it anyway. Who are we to wish suffering on another human being?

And you're married too? There has been no Dday yet? Than from my perspective, you have gotten off pretty darn scott-free too. Read the Dday thread in the HL if you want to read our stories of how awful life is when there has been a Dday. You are getting the chance to move on without a dday that many other posters here did not. Please don't look that gift horse in the mouth.

Really, please start to refocus you thoughts on something that can be constructive to your life & your marriage instead of continuing to think in destructive ways. We have already done enough harm to their lives & our lives.

Walk away, and leave it at that.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

I think even decent people can have this fantasy, but I do think that it is a symptom of a very damaged and unhealthy 'self'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
tryingtobetuff

hey honey - I know how hurt you are feeling right now seeing him at work every day. We are hurting but they look and act the same. You are right - it doesn't seem fair.

BUT - we need to focus on us, move through the hurt, act with pride and hold our heads high. Move through the thoughts of his wife - you mean her no harm and you will deeply regret it if you act on this. Our xAPs time will come.

Will be thinking of you over the next week (and blueclouds) as we act as the professional women we are.

transcended.us - just wanted to say how helpful your post was about saying 'it just doesn't matter' - have been trying this out and it is really helping - thanku.

theyellowone xxx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
I am not serious about doing it, was just hurting & having a hard time yesterday. Still not sure this is a "safe" place to share honest feelings... But thank you for the helpful positive comments, they help. Onto another day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

TTBT,

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by a "safe" place to share your feelings, but understand that your feelings are not new to what many have posted before you. Discussions about telling XMM's W about the A have been brought up before, and the responses you received are pretty much the same that were given then. No one is singling you out. I know that it can be difficult (as a newbie) to read some of the advice given here, but it is done out of love and concern. We want to help clear the fog that every newbie walks in when they first arrive here. Some of the things you read will make you feel uncomfortable, but our Vets are not going to sugarcoat the truth of certain issues that need to be addressed. You need to read their responses with an open mind and understand that support comes in all sizes.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
I know and I do appreciate any and all advice. While I am lucky that I didn't have a D-day or other horrible result I do not feel I got off Scott-free, how I feel day to day and throughout the day is the worst thing I've experienced in my life. Maybe not much compared to some but everyone's level of trauma is different based on past experience and of course the specifics of the A and how it ended. I feel judged sometimes on this board and that isn't right. Why is one persons A more hurtfulr devastating... This isn't a competition. I am struggling thru something that I have never been through before. Do I regret ending it? At least one time a day I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011

You loved him and your relationship was with him. I don't think you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

Tuff I know your feelings change from day to day and I know wanting to call the W was more of a fantasy than something you were going to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tuff,
I think what you're feeling is a normal part of the ending process. This is a long process and you are going to feel all kinds of different emotions at different times. Believe me, he is hurting in some way too. Maybe not the way you are hurting but there is something deeply wrong within him and until he addresses it he will be a damaged soul and not capable of true happiness. Hurting his wife will not fix him or you. She did not ask for this and it would be a completely selfish act to hurt her in an attempt to inflict pain on him. Just let it be.

Give yourself some time. You are working thru all this crap and if you stay the course, you will find yourself and a path of joy knowing you have overcome an extremely difficult period in your life and that you had the courage to look inside yourself and choose an honest way of living. Hugs to you.

Alwayst
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.