2 weeks LC....struggling
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2 weeks LC....struggling
| Mon, 04-04-2011 - 12:20pm |
Hey all - need to splurge .....
Am having a downer of a day today - really am struggling to refocus and keep mind away from xAP (who is my manager at work)

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It is hard in the early weeks, especially because your situation calls for LC - for things to seem like it should matter more, and you (like all of us) WANT the validation that you were more than a fleeting thing - that something in it was true. But you are also right in acknowledging that nothing in an A, love match or not, nothing in an A is true or real. I haven't figured out how it is that men seem like they have a better handle on things.
Here is the wahoo - 2 WHOLE weeks down! And you don't need to get over yourself - just get down and dirty with yourself. I know you've read other mantras like It doesn't Matter, I forgive myself, etc. For me - I would just remind myself (and had notes EVERYWHERE to remind me) that I did it because I AM WORTH MORE. YOU are worth more. Keep up this good work, stay strong and find something that YOU believe that supports your ending. :) We're here!
Hang in there, sweetie. I know how you are feeling.
We all want to know that we mattered. It's that human need to belong, to be loved, to MATTER. But xap isn't a healthy source to get those needs met. Rather quite the opposite.
Again, this ending is a process that takes time and a lot of inner work. No one is an expert when they first start off doing something. It takes time and lots of practice and dedication to become good at something. Every day that you remain NC/LC is a good "practice" day under your belt. You may not realize it yet, but you are already getting better each day. Oh, sure, we all have days where we just suck at our endeavors. Get over it and don't give up. There's always another day ahead of you. Keep reaing, keep posting, keep reaching inward.
(((Hugs)))
Alwayst
If you want to talk/write I an here and I check EAS periodically from work, especially when he is here (thankfully not today)!! Stay strong girl :) I am thinking of you!
BC - you are so right about looking in my DH eyes. He is truly one of the purest souls ever. I would have destroyed him- that is my meaning to stay firm.
Lolly - I don't feel I deserve your pride - LC feels like contact and that I am not doing it properly but the situation allows for nothing else.
Alwayst2 - I am slowly realising the unhealthy nature if my need for xap to validate. It's only now that I can see he was thoughtless and selfish but as he wasn't unpleasant at all , always textedit fairly regularly, supported me at work and said he cared - had been finding it hard to view him as an uncaring xAP playing me. But I know I was filling a need in him (marriage shaky - scared to address in case walked with kids). His decision to end due to this fear. Stupidly he could have had my support without all the extras (as I had said) so shy the pursuing of more?
I am improving - I am able to focus more on my family and I am starting to accept my self-esteem issues (my friends would so not agree that i have any lol!). It is difficult to focus at work and I need to address that as I have worked hard to get here.
Tuff - thanks for understanding. - hate feeling a fool. I knew he was flirty by email with others but I was arrogant enough to believe I was special - I expect fishing at some point but I will never delude myself again.
Will work through the low moments - remember he just doesn't matter and will hang on.
Thanku
theyellowone
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~
Lolly is so right. You are worth more. You are strong, capable, independent, beautiful women and you deserve the kind of love that is celebrated in the light of day, not hidden away like a dirty secret on the back of a dark shelf.
A little side story - just before I ended my A, my xAP had been away on a lakeside holiday with his beautiful wife. I didn't hear a word from him for two weeks, and then - on the day he arrived home - he sent me a text that started with the words "Hello, are you in there?" As if I was some slutty Genie that sat locked in a bottle on a shelf until he had the time or inclination to let me out to satisfy his wishes. In all my life, I have rarely felt so small or cheap or disposable. And that was when I decided that enough was enough. We are worth more.
Love and hugs to you all
Kat
Yellow one
I too felt worthless at first and missed being 'noticed' 'admired' acknowledged"
I also felt like I had been dumped big time and my self esteen fell.
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