2 weeks LC....struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
2 weeks LC....struggling
30
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 12:20pm

Hey all - need to splurge .....

Am having a downer of a day today - really am struggling to refocus and keep mind away from xAP (who is my manager at work)

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

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Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 1:13pm
Yellow.....I know how tough it is going LC.I struggle too. And I know that you know of the hell iI went through with xAP Friday. I read your post to me, and it was so supportive! We just have to remember that our true strength comes from our ability to push through these tough moments. You never know how strong you are until there is no other option. Think of your DH. How would he feel knowing you are searching for validation from another man? I look in my H eyes and think about that. It would crush him. Try and be thankful you can work from home. I don't have that option. I would love the opportunity to focus on work and not be worried about running into him in the hallway or break room. Hang in there, yellow. It does get easier. I can tell you, there WILL be challenges. We just have to focus on what we really want. And rely heavily on the support and advice from everyone here at EAS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 1:13pm
Yellowone (I always think of the sunshines my niece draws for me when I read your name). Sounds to me like you have a nice grip already - and I'm so glad and proud of you for coming here first.

It is hard in the early weeks, especially because your situation calls for LC - for things to seem like it should matter more, and you (like all of us) WANT the validation that you were more than a fleeting thing - that something in it was true. But you are also right in acknowledging that nothing in an A, love match or not, nothing in an A is true or real. I haven't figured out how it is that men seem like they have a better handle on things.

Here is the wahoo - 2 WHOLE weeks down! And you don't need to get over yourself - just get down and dirty with yourself. I know you've read other mantras like It doesn't Matter, I forgive myself, etc. For me - I would just remind myself (and had notes EVERYWHERE to remind me) that I did it because I AM WORTH MORE. YOU are worth more. Keep up this good work, stay strong and find something that YOU believe that supports your ending. :) We're here!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 2:12pm
Yellow,
Hang in there, sweetie. I know how you are feeling.

We all want to know that we mattered. It's that human need to belong, to be loved, to MATTER. But xap isn't a healthy source to get those needs met. Rather quite the opposite.

Again, this ending is a process that takes time and a lot of inner work. No one is an expert when they first start off doing something. It takes time and lots of practice and dedication to become good at something. Every day that you remain NC/LC is a good "practice" day under your belt. You may not realize it yet, but you are already getting better each day. Oh, sure, we all have days where we just suck at our endeavors. Get over it and don't give up. There's always another day ahead of you. Keep reaing, keep posting, keep reaching inward.

(((Hugs)))
Alwayst
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 3:02pm
Yellowone, I could have written this exact same post at 2 weeks. We both work with our exAP's and that makes this so much harder, the LC part and also the absence of the cute flirty stuff we got used to. That lack of the flirty stuff is upsetting too because it seems like they don't care at all about us anymore and that is probably true, no sex=no worth to them. This is all bad thinking though. I am struggling too but I am almost at a month and trust me it is a bit easier. Still hurts and I still have bad days but honestly it does feel a bit better.
If you want to talk/write I an here and I check EAS periodically from work, especially when he is here (thankfully not today)!! Stay strong girl :) I am thinking of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 4:39pm
Thankyou all for your replies. I am very grateful and feeling calmer this eve.
BC - you are so right about looking in my DH eyes. He is truly one of the purest souls ever. I would have destroyed him- that is my meaning to stay firm.

Lolly - I don't feel I deserve your pride - LC feels like contact and that I am not doing it properly but the situation allows for nothing else.

Alwayst2 - I am slowly realising the unhealthy nature if my need for xap to validate. It's only now that I can see he was thoughtless and selfish but as he wasn't unpleasant at all , always textedit fairly regularly, supported me at work and said he cared - had been finding it hard to view him as an uncaring xAP playing me. But I know I was filling a need in him (marriage shaky - scared to address in case walked with kids). His decision to end due to this fear. Stupidly he could have had my support without all the extras (as I had said) so shy the pursuing of more?

I am improving - I am able to focus more on my family and I am starting to accept my self-esteem issues (my friends would so not agree that i have any lol!). It is difficult to focus at work and I need to address that as I have worked hard to get here.

Tuff - thanks for understanding. - hate feeling a fool. I knew he was flirty by email with others but I was arrogant enough to believe I was special - I expect fishing at some point but I will never delude myself again.

Will work through the low moments - remember he just doesn't matter and will hang on.

Thanku

theyellowone

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 6:06pm
Blue, Yellow, and Tuff - I just love the way you're supporting each other through these first difficult weeks. It's going to be a hell of a party when the three of you earn your tweener wings :)

Lolly is so right. You are worth more. You are strong, capable, independent, beautiful women and you deserve the kind of love that is celebrated in the light of day, not hidden away like a dirty secret on the back of a dark shelf.

A little side story - just before I ended my A, my xAP had been away on a lakeside holiday with his beautiful wife. I didn't hear a word from him for two weeks, and then - on the day he arrived home - he sent me a text that started with the words "Hello, are you in there?" As if I was some slutty Genie that sat locked in a bottle on a shelf until he had the time or inclination to let me out to satisfy his wishes. In all my life, I have rarely felt so small or cheap or disposable. And that was when I decided that enough was enough. We are worth more.

Love and hugs to you all

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 8:55pm
Very true Kat! I think back to things like that too and it makes me feel marginalized as a woman. So why in these early days and weeks do we miss that???? It's all so crazy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 12:01am

Yellow one

I too felt worthless at first and missed being 'noticed' 'admired' acknowledged"

I also felt like I had been dumped big time and my self esteen fell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 12:27am
Wow Melinda, your reply struck a cord with me...
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 9:41am
Yellow and trying...how are you guys doing this morning? I'm back at work today feeling pretty good. Haven't run into xAP so far...that makes any day a good day...LOL.

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