my good friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
my good friend
12
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 6:10am
Before we met, xAP and I knew no one in common. But as a way of welcoming him into my life, helping him get to know "the real me", and spending more time together I introduced xAP and his wife to my very dear friend and her H who have kids of similar ages. They hit it off famously and have started to celebrate birthdays together, take family holidays together etc etc. (Yeap, you can bet I'm kicking myself now!)

I would love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice? I guess the options as I see them are:
1) tell xAP to get the h*ll out of my friend's life because I knew her first and I do not want to run the risk of hearing anything about him or seeing him again through her (but that would require breaking NC which I absolutely do not want to do)
2) discretely tell my friend that xAP and I became closer than we should have and that I would appreciate it if she could keep our two families apart as much as possible and not talk to me about things they've been doing together (which I would find hard to do and would carry the risk of my friend telling xAP's W about our involvement)
3) accept that this is part of the price I have to pay for my stupidity and distance myself from the friendship, refuse any invitations to social events at her house etc etc (which would make me feel sad as we have been friends for 19 years and our kids have grown up together)
4) just carry on as if nothing has changed, ignore any comments she makes about xAP or his W, and implement LC if I ever have the misfortune to see him at her home (which would be hard on me, awkward for my friend, and unbearably difficult for my H. So actually, out of respect for my H I don't think that's an option at all.)

God, I was such an idiot. I introduced xAP (as a "friend") to my boss, my colleagues, my mentor, my children, my 2 best friends, my parents, my brother ... And who did he introduce me to in his life? No-one.

Thoughts, suggestions, reminders of what an idiot I've been, alternative solutions? Any ideas welcome.

Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 7:16am
And the winner is......#3.

The reality is that we WERE stupid in trying to accomodate the xAP into our real lives - and by gross association, we must now pay the consequences of our lack of forethought. If this friend is truly a good and close friend and they approach you about the distance, you could just make mention that you've had real life events that have kept you at bay - because , that IS the truth.

I am sorry Kat. I ran through the same issue a bit initially since xAP and I have known each other since high school and I introduced him to a few good friends when he came to visit - those friends knew exactly who he was (and what he was) and I've since had to cut contact with many of them. :( Such is life.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 7:22am

Kat,

I have to agree with Lolly's choice. Sadly, when we play in a dirty sandbox, we end up paying a hefty price to clean ourselves up. Wish I had more time to expound, but I have to get ready for work.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 9:17am
"God, I was such an idiot. I introduced xAP (as a "friend") to my boss, my colleagues, my mentor, my children, my 2 best friends, my parents, my brother ... "

ME TOO!

I also met his parents, and each and every one close to him ... for the same reason of making our relationship seem more legit, and so we could envelop others into the sick & twisted fantasy world that we created between us. When I ended the affair, there were friends I had to leave behind too; although most every one KNEW of our affair and supported it through their silence & collusion. Others who did not explicitly know of the affair, well - I told them that for very good reason, our relationship has been completely severed, and I do not wish to know or hear about him, and I would appreciate it if NO information about me was shared with him. Because his wife knew of the affair, I wasn't concerned about her finding out ... or about any one else raising eyebrows by our sudden break in "connection". You do what you gotta do, whatever wagging tails may say, to keep yourself and your family protected.

Much Care,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 11:49pm

Kat, I agree with TU:

"You do what you gotta do, whatever wagging tails may say, to keep yourself and your family protected."

It does look like option number three from over here, and I agree it is sad but alas, such is an A.

I had only had one obvious extra casualty to deal with: exPOOP's best friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 12:17am

That is a very tough situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 6:21am

Hi Kat

Gawd what situations we get ourselves into huh? I think I have to agree with the others sweety- this is simply too hard to work through any other way.

What if you and your friend maintain your friendship through one-on-one lunches or movies etc. You can keep the conversation on topics that dont involve exAP at all? Would this work?

Iggyx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 1:40am
Lolly, #3 it is then. These A's extract a cost from us in ways we never could have imagined, don't they :( I'm sorry that some of your friendships suffered too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 1:48am
Hi Iddy, the hardest part is that innocent people pay the price for that clean-up too. My friend never asked to be a pawn in our game, my husband and kids never chose to put family friendships at risk. My arrogance and selfishness in making those decisions for them appeals me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 1:55am
Oh TU. The lengths we went to to make something inherently flawed and destructive "legit". As if somehow giving the A the facade of a real relationship could make it Ok. It was like taking a steaming pile of manure and wrapping a shiny yellow ribbon around it in the hope that no one would notice the smell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 2:03am
Thanks Melinda, I suspect that my friend's H already has his suspicions. He doesn't miss much and has always been concerned about the potential impact of my travel schedule on my M. I can't change any of that now. As you say, I just gotta do what I gotta do.

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