I wrote a blog entry on this very thing last year - I'm cutting and pasting because I think each of us faces the same thing - I watched Letters to Juliet today and at the tail end of the movie - Claire reads the letter written by Sophie as Juliet's agent - Her letter reads: "WHAT and IF are two words not threatening as words, but put them together, side by side, they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life ..WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?..."
It's funny to me how this rings true in my life. I woke this morning and laid there in the darkness (it was only 5:30) for a while. Thinking how much the last six months of my life has changed ALL OF my future. I could see the outline of my children's baby pictures on my bedroom wall - and I thought hard about the day each one of them was born. As I lay there I had this weird series of moments rush through my head, glimpses really throughout their lives - moments of laughter, of tears, moments we shared - just me and them. What rang through for me the most was how grateful I was to be present then and to be awake and alert enough to realize that I have a good life, right now.
A very good life.
I have played the what-if game - a million times over. Wallowed in it even. And just as the character in the movie wrote in her letter, true love never dies. If it was true then, then why is it not true now? It is the struggle that has plagued me most during these last few months. and then - then I realized that even true love can turn into something else, but it never dies. What we had was not anything true or love.
Before this year I believed that there was only "one true love" for each person. and now - I don't. If that were true, what an awful existence we would be mired in. What would happen when the person we gave that honor to - didn't return the feeling? What if by whatever circumstances life had led them to - they could not return the feeling? What then? Are we relegated to a life of loneliness and alone-ness? I contemplated this a lot over the course of this last week, you see - I've been cleaning out my closets so to speak - 12 step style. Years ago when I attended AA meetings to help in my addiction to alcohol, I faithfully followed those 12 steps. In healing and forgiving myself - I've been going through them again and gained great insight about myself.
Along the way in these last 10 days I've had to cut some friendships in my life that don't follow the framework for me to avoid toxicity in healthy love-relationships - one in particular with an old friend. I've known him since 5th grade. We dated briefly (if you could actually call it dating) in 8th grade - and we quickly realized that we were just REALLY good friends. Somehow, across oceans, and states and everything - we've always kept in touch. Through marriage, birth of kids, all of it. We might go 6 or 7 years with only an email or two, but somehow when one of us is struggling in big ways the other always seems to sense it and be there via email, phone or text. And when everything in my world shattered apart - he knew it. So why cut him out of my life? Because two weeks ago he shared that he had always held a flame for me.
I was torn about hurting him - for me it just wasn't that way. And then his phone calls and emails began coming in earnest. Pleading with me to give him a chance to be different than my ex - and I couldn't seem to make him understand that he IS different - but not in the way he wanted. He accused me of taking advantage of him all these years and he even used these two words - What if - What if he had pursued his true feelings back in our high school days? What If?
And that is when I realized that part of all of this healing stuff meant sacrificing even more. This whole experience has shaped me from the inside out - and I know, at least for now - that I have no love to give to anyone in that way. I know it is in me, but having undergone such intense love, and yes for me it was some kind of
Maybe a step would be realizing we didn't LOSE anything along the way ...
we THREW AWAY things along the way.
There is a difference.
And again, the question is WHY Alice?
It wasn't unrequited love Alice.
It was an affair.
Don't get stuck on regret ... face it, feel it, and move on.
Regret won't change a darn thing. YOU can't get back what you tossed away, you can just work to make choices that will mean you safe-guard yourself from similar actions in the future.
its over now, now you can be present and you can be there, use your kids as your source of comfort, you can rebuild all of that, not too late. You will be surprised the healing power of your family. That pure love that is so special will embrace you. They motivated me thru my darkest hours. I was determined to lick this because I knew they deserved the best me.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Oh, I've played that "If only" game many times . . . but, bottom line is, unfortunately, it can't be erased.
It's one of the stages of grieving and you'll get past it.
I'm brand new here, only 2 days out of my EA and boy oh boy do I have regret!
I watched Letters to Juliet today and at the tail end of the movie - Claire reads the letter written by Sophie as Juliet's agent - Her letter reads: "WHAT and IF are two words not threatening as words, but put them together, side by side, they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life ..WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?..."
It's funny to me how this rings true in my life. I woke this morning and laid there in the darkness (it was only 5:30) for a while. Thinking how much the last six months of my life has changed ALL OF my future. I could see the outline of my children's baby pictures on my bedroom wall - and I thought hard about the day each one of them was born. As I lay there I had this weird series of moments rush through my head, glimpses really throughout their lives - moments of laughter, of tears, moments we shared - just me and them. What rang through for me the most was how grateful I was to be present then and to be awake and alert enough to realize that I have a good life, right now.
A very good life.
I have played the what-if game - a million times over. Wallowed in it even. And just as the character in the movie wrote in her letter, true love never dies. If it was true then, then why is it not true now? It is the struggle that has plagued me most during these last few months. and then - then I realized that even true love can turn into something else, but it never dies. What we had was not anything true or love.
Before this year I believed that there was only "one true love" for each person. and now - I don't. If that were true, what an awful existence we would be mired in. What would happen when the person we gave that honor to - didn't return the feeling? What if by whatever circumstances life had led them to - they could not return the feeling? What then? Are we relegated to a life of loneliness and alone-ness? I contemplated this a lot over the course of this last week, you see - I've been cleaning out my closets so to speak - 12 step style. Years ago when I attended AA meetings to help in my addiction to alcohol, I faithfully followed those 12 steps. In healing and forgiving myself - I've been going through them again and gained great insight about myself.
Along the way in these last 10 days I've had to cut some friendships in my life that don't follow the framework for me to avoid toxicity in healthy love-relationships - one in particular with an old friend. I've known him since 5th grade. We dated briefly (if you could actually call it dating) in 8th grade - and we quickly realized that we were just REALLY good friends. Somehow, across oceans, and states and everything - we've always kept in touch. Through marriage, birth of kids, all of it. We might go 6 or 7 years with only an email or two, but somehow when one of us is struggling in big ways the other always seems to sense it and be there via email, phone or text. And when everything in my world shattered apart - he knew it. So why cut him out of my life? Because two weeks ago he shared that he had always held a flame for me.
I was torn about hurting him - for me it just wasn't that way. And then his phone calls and emails began coming in earnest. Pleading with me to give him a chance to be different than my ex - and I couldn't seem to make him understand that he IS different - but not in the way he wanted. He accused me of taking advantage of him all these years and he even used these two words - What if - What if he had pursued his true feelings back in our high school days? What If?
And that is when I realized that part of all of this healing stuff meant sacrificing even more. This whole experience has shaped me from the inside out - and I know, at least for now - that I have no love to give to anyone in that way. I know it is in me, but having undergone such intense love, and yes for me it was some kind of
we THREW AWAY things along the way.
There is a difference.
And again, the question is WHY Alice?
It wasn't unrequited love Alice.
It was an affair.
Don't get stuck on regret ... face it, feel it, and move on.
Regret won't change a darn thing. YOU can't get back what you tossed away, you can just work to make choices that will mean you safe-guard yourself from similar actions in the future.
Good to see you posting!
TU.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
BEAUTIFUL, JUST BEAUTIFUL Lolly.