so I've noticed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
so I've noticed...
7
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 1:21pm

I've noticed a definite shift in my attitude about how I look, etc. in the past 9 months - during the A i worked my ARSE off to lose weight, be toned, etc. - and now, well I've rediscovered carbs (BAD BAD BAD), and am not as entrenched in my looks.

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Registered: 02-26-2011
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 3:21pm
I've noticed the exact same thing! Suddenly I'm not as concerned about how I look because DH has always loved me regardless of what weight I am, how I dress, or how I look. Unfortunately I've gotten comfortable with that. During the A ,DH did notice I was changing my appearance, and he loved it. Now, I'm slipping back to being comfortable, probably because I work with xAP and I don't want to encourage anything. I have to focus on dressing nice for DH because I know he appreciates it. Need to re-train my thoughts.
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Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 6:26pm
Lolly, this is a great question, and I apologise in advance for the rant that follows!!

Yes, the way I dressed absolutely changed. xAP has NEVER seen me in anything other than make-up, high heels, a dress, and French lingerie ("just in case"), when that's just not the "real" me at all. Each time we met, he would look me up and down and offer some backhanded compliment like "your stomach is starting to look a little more toned" or "I bought you a lint roller to help you keep your clothes neater" (the only gift he ever bought for me). Which just made me try even harder to make the grade next time. And always the dreaded fear that if I ever put on any weight I would be relegated to the scrap heap with his "too fat" wife (of course when I did lose weight he told me that my clothes weren't fitting well because I had become too thin) He used to talk a lot about his "public image" and how people expected someone of his status to have a beautiful woman by his side and how difficult his wife made it for him by not meeting that image.

After my A ended, I stopped. No make-up, no heels, no haircut. In fact, it was as much as I could do to drag myself through the shower.

Then one day - about 3 weeks into my ending - I got up and much to my surprise I actually wanted to look pretty for ME. I shaved my legs, put on a pretty dress, a spray of perfume (which I was never allowed in the A) and some berry lipgloss. And I felt great. And that's kind of where things have stayed.

BlueClouds - I love what you said about making an effort for our H's for they are the ones who appreciate our efforts and yet love is for who we are.

I often think about xAP's wife, with deep regret for the harm that I caused her. When I eventually met her, I saw a stunning beautiful and very sad SAHM. She gave her life to this man - who had cheated on her since before they were married. She gave birth to his children, raised his family, followed his career all over the world, made a beautiful home for him wherever they went, and here she was being measured up against me with my lace bra and silk dress and complete lack of morals. Uugggghh, I feel sick just thinking about it. Never, ever will I do that to anyone in our sisterhood of women again.

Hugs to you all.

Kat

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Registered: 07-21-2009
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 7:28pm

This has been an area of weakeness for me.

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Registered: 01-25-2011
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 9:58pm

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Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 1:25am
Angie - I'm so sorry that you still feel unseen and unappreciated by your H after everything you've done to move on from the A and strengthen your M. You're always so warm and kind to us newbies, and we certainly appreciate having you around. Big ((hugs)) to you honey.
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Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 6:59am
Thanks to all of you who answered - don't get me wrong - my job still dictates my 6-4 clothing (ie, skirts/dresses/suits/heels) but in my own downtime, i am choosing jeans and sneakers with a T way more often than I ever have before. Perhaps it is just the real me, but maybe a defense mechanism. I've quit coloring my hair (decided that I've earned my grey's) and opted to get it frosted instead - AND- I cut it all off a few months back. I'd been growing it out for the last year so that it was layered but shoulder length (which truly was for xAP and xH benefit only).

Something else on this same vein - I realize that I have no need, no pull for a man in my life right now (well I have needs but that's a whole other issue), but I have no desire, for the time being to BE in another relationship - and maybe that's why I've changed my outlook. I feel more at home in jeans and t's and want to be real when and if I get into anything with someone else. I know that when the time is right, I'll find someone special - who is perfect for me and because I've squared myself with truth - I will be able to grab the opportunity with both hands and enjoy it.

Like many of you - I too often think of xAP's wife and feel great sorrow of what I stole from her too. She is an amazing woman who i am glad to say came through my life. If anything, I feel like I owe it to her to be who I am instead of putting on airs or dressing just for another's benefit or attention. I owe it to her to live in truth.
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Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 7:38am
Love it Lolly!! <> My new mantra for the week :)

PS I love silver hair - can't wait for more of mine to come through.