help me.i'm destroying my family

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
help me.i'm destroying my family
12
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:57am
i was all prepared to write an essay here on what occured this morning during my 3rd rage of the day.a "was i right??" essay.
last night my oldest said i was acting weird cuz i accepted a social engagement for fri aft & it was so unlike me.
today i took all the shoes my middle dd BEGGED me to buy her & never wore so that she could instead spend her entire existence in a pair of sneakers w/ wheels in the heels(from dad)& just threw them in the garbage.i told her she was wearing the ***%^$( heelies till she could afford to buy her own shoes & if she couldn't keep the &$%#$ laces tied she could go without shoes altogether.
i took all the clothes she begged me to buy & gave em to good will & told her NEVER to ask me for a freaking thing.
needless to say everyone was crying & h was screaming why did i have to start the morning like THIS again?
in the end i confiscated her wheels telling her they were for FUN not daily use & if i was having so much fun in MY shoes i certainly would NEVER want to wear another pair either.
i was sooo out of control.& that was the THIRD rage.
i'm scared to see this dr. today & if you had my history w/ pdocs you would be too.
i'm smoking & i haven't in years.
that's how little i care about myself & i guess my kids too. I HATE MEDS.i hate meds.i think meds screwed up my life way more than the bp

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:20am

I know you may not want to hear this but I am going to be up front with you. Anger can destroy and if you don't get a hold on yourself you are destroying yourself and your family...as you already know.


It is NOT fair to your kids that you act that way. I know you hate meds, but girl, YOU NEED THEM NOW. You need to tell your new pdoc how bad your temper is and what your rages have been like.


You NEED to help yourself by going to a pdoc and taking meds. ONLY YOU can do this. Yes, you have bipolar but us people with bipolar need to take some responsibility for ourselves and our actions.


I am glad you come here and post. We all care about you and want to see you get the help you so much deserve.


I personally feel you need to be I/P immediately, but that is just me.


I really do hope things get better.


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:33am

Suzi, you need to get to an ER immediately. I worry for your children and what this may mentally do to them. You owe it to yourself and them to go i/p.

Good Luck, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:35am

(((((((((((((Suzi))))))))))))))) I can so identify with your rages. I can only say that you need to give this new doc a fighting chance. Let him/her see if they can't get you on the right combination where the other docs have failed to do so.


I know you feel like you are destroying your family, but you have got to keep fighting for you and your family. So you started smoking again. You can stop again too - when you're ready. That's a battle I've been fighting with for a long time now. I've finally made it 19 days (this time) without a cigarette. This is a record for me. Point is don't beat yourself up over this. Let the doc help you so you can help yourself and your family again.


Hang in there hon. Keep us posted on how you're doing.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:35am

I've remembered having a few nasty mornings also.


Girl...we love you here and we are so glad you post...but I agree with Tina on this one.

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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 10:31am
LET me just give my own personal opinion on going i/p.
hahahahahaha.......................................the last time i went(last year)it inconvenienced my family to a point where i'm still afraid to say the word "hospital" out loud.
for those of you who don't know at the time i was committed,i was just starting a business (w/ kids) so i had to pretend i was in the hospital w/ a mysterious disease."fortunately" i did come down w/ the lamectal rash(apparently i gave the er doc the wrong dose info while being subdued in the er. for hours.oops)
while i was there the atmosphere was very provocotive for the 3 of us who had the where with all to THINK.those 2 other people are dead.they killed themselves upon release.
BUT the clincher was the lectures i got when i got out after 3 weeks about how i had completely inconvenienced everyone.
my loving mother sat me down & told me how selfish it was of me to make her spend her vacation at my house looking after my kids & their rooms were a mess & my house was filthy & mine was the only room kept neat & clean & what was i going to do about it.of course she prefaced this by saying"i want to talk to you but i don't want you to 1) get mad 2)yell at me 3) leave the room.
when she was done she took me shopping.then i had to endure a dinner out w/ her & my father(who hate eachother...married to other people)& i couldn't even drink my way thru it.
if i said i wanted to go to the hospital or NEEDED to,i might as well ask for a pony i can keep in my living room,
the best thing to do for my family is to disappear.now i know why people do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:55am

i understand the rage. totally. however, being bp and having rage issues CANNOT be an excuse. you HAVE to get some help...your children are going to suffer NEEDLESSLY and that isn't fair to them.

i know your family makes it hard for you to get some help...but SO WHAT? get the help you need, suz...please.

we love you here and only want you to be well and happy...as happy as you can be with BP...but you gotta take control of this situation and stop blaming your pdocs, the meds, whatever...this is YOU that's acting out...

does this make sense?

yes...you have a mental illness, but you cannot allow it to consume you...if you do, then you are NEVER going to be happy...and you DESERVE to be.

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:12pm
yes..it makes sense & i know you understand how it feels to hate meds too.
just now i was thinking about talking to this new doc.i have a tendancy to tell too much & at the monent i'm too wrung out to talk at all.
but i try to make an EFFORT NOT to sound like a victim.its very important for me to get across to people that i am trying hard not to sound like a victim.
this morning(&
keli,your mssg yesterday reminded me to put a check in my purse!)h asked how much this appt was gonna cost.i hate when he says it like that.i wish he would say..how much do you need or whatever...well at 1st i tried explaining that whatever it costs it'll be a bargain after dr. 90210 wannabe....it was like i was apologising over & over.i realized that was MY problem,shut my mouth & told him i'd let him know.
well.here i go.you can understand my trepedation.i had 1 dr. hear my entire story & after 2 hrs. tell me he only treating people who were depressed from dealing w/ illness or death & another who after a horrificly detailed session tell me i was waay to sick for her to treat.i should go find a clinic.
it wasn't even this hard to find a husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:22pm

oh suzi...you CAN do this!!!

you go in there with self confidence and the realization that YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE HELP!!!

post back to me later and let me know what's happened, my friend.

to heck with your dh...let's send them all to alaska.

xoxo

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 2:18pm
hugs to you,
my dd who is nineteen
she has bipolar
it was very hard before she was diagnosed
now things are a lot better
different meds
I believe there is no one size fits all
wish you had more support
the impact this has on the whole family
I love my dd and I know she loves me
most importantly she loves herself
she moved out on her own at sixteen
she is responsible for her own health but I am there for her
we have laughed and cried together
I have lived through her rages
trust me while we both cried when we found out her diagnosis
at least we knew
before she had no idea and I had no idea what was wrong
we have an excellent family doctor
who "listens" really listens to her
hopefully you will do what is the best for you
which is to take care of yourself
that will be the best for your family, your kids
we have to be able to take care of ourselves first
hugs
you aren't alone
and I applaud your courage coming forward here
I admire you
realizing the anger is internal
it is not really directed at those around you
I understood and understand that with my dd
it's called unconditional love
now she is seeking help on her own
knows what works and doesn't work for her
I am so proud of her
we have come a long way
take care hon
~nightangel~
aka Lorie
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 7:47pm

I am glad you are able to recognize the destruction in your behavior when you experience rages. It is imperative that you seek help immediately. You know this. You can see what you are doing to your family and yourself. I'm glad you came here to the messageboards, now you need to take the step in getting help. When you contact a Pdoc, tell them upfront what is going on and ask if they are experienced in BP and the severity. If not, call another one. I know its difficult, but it is something that you have to do and you can do it.

Best wishes, you're in my thoughts.

Michelle


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