i cannot take it...she PUSHES

Avatar for suziq_3
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Registered: 03-25-2003
i cannot take it...she PUSHES
3
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:26am
dr. phil can feild this one & tell me i'm a dispicable parent but how could i not be.
i'll bypass the other 2 kids for now & how they almost sent me screaming into the night.after parent teacher meetings all day my youngest can still manipulate me into doing her homework FOR her w/ such finnesse i'm in tears by the time h gets home.middle dd is so smart but GREAT at letting bratty little princesses she calls friends take total advantage & i cannot hide my disdain.
my problem is telling it like it is.
this is not the person i once was altho the other person was no prize either.i used to have doormat written across my forehead.
now i have b***h.
oldest dd pulled the i'm tooooooo sick to go to school card again.i've learned my lesson bout calling my mother for help.
i cannot help but think that her symptoms are helped along by a horrifying fear of bad weather & an inability to stay away from all weather info online.
if it were up to me i would disable the home computer.
today is a lousy day & she has chest pains.yesterday i think was a headache.this is day 7 of have to stay home complaints out of 10 she is permitted b/f failing the school year.(i admit in my anger i miscounted & told her she had hit day 12.oops.bad mommy.)
last year she had 33 missed days & the board of ed was quite angry with us.
i really tried the "youre going to school & that's it" in a quiet firm voice.after the begging & pleading began & how she PROMISED she would opt out of all the fun weekend plans if i would just keep her home THIS ONE TIME.well...i had to tell her since this was the 100th time i had heard that in a year & the last time she pulled this she still managed to finagle a day in the city w/ grandma...............i actually explained to her in detail WHY it was against my better judgement not to mention the LAW to allow this.
if her chest pains were so severe we should go to the e.r.
since i actually had obligations today(not to mention having to drive around kids from her school)a day in the er for no reason at all wouldn't benefit either of us.
did she want me to write a note to get out of gym?
did she want me to walk her into school(yes i'm still in my pj's)& go WITH her to the nurse?NO & NO................huh?well...i did write her a note to get out of gym & also to call me if she felt ANY worse.
you know what?wasn't good enough.i told her to go right to the nurse NOW..the nurse would call & i'd pick her up & she'd get what she wants by going about it the right way.
she said she'd have to walk up 4 flights of stairs.so i said..."not if you faint on the 1st floor...not if you clutch your chest & scream like this................"by now i'm yelling & my windows are open..i said "sara .you've gotta learn how to play your situation if you wanna get away with it..i guarantee no one will make you walk.
everytime you go to school like this you come home fine & last year i allowed it & you missed 33 days.you have a blot on your academic record & it's not YOUR FAULT IT'S MINE SO THIS YEAR I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING.i counted off all the days she'd beg off if she got her period this year.
she didn't hear a word i said.not a WORD.she told me i didn't understand & i WAS HORRIBLE.
i swear if i had to spend another moment w/ her i'd drive into a building.i was racing thru yellow lights.there was no way i could take this kid home.& i tried to stop yelling & sometimes i managed.but the yelling was the only thing that felt good.
i know most of you are going thru parenting nightmares that make this seem like playtime.the thing is that they are little & i'm feeling like it was a mistake to marry & have kids.
they do love me unconditionally as little ones do .butis my future gonna behow i feel about my parents?what my friends are going thru w/ theirs?have i just created a new i don't approve of susan club of the future?
it's alot of little things wrapped up in a bow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 11:05am

I understand how frustrating it is, I have had to go to the homes of children and take them to school when they absolutely refuse. I can understand how the constant complaining, arguing, and begging can get to you.

You have to take control now. I don't want to scare you, but you have to take control now. With her record, if she continues in this fashion DCS will be contacted by the school and a CPS worker can remove her to foster care. I had two children on my caseload due to truancy. In one case, the child returned to the mothers physical custody after only one week, but there were meetings and court hearings involved. After the child returned to the mothers physical custody, the state retained legal custody. I was in that mothers home at least twice a week. The young man (he was in middleschool) was very bright, but he suffered from depression. There's something going on if the child is that adamant to fight to not go to school, and it isn't physical. I don't know your child, and I am not claiming to know your, or her, situation, but from your posts I can tell that something needs to be done.

The first step, for now, is that you have to take responsibility for the situation. You are the parent and not a victim. She has to go to school and that is it. I know how the arguing can draw you in to feeling compelled to explain, to respond to the arguing and complaining, but you don't have to give in and explain. She already knows how much she has missed. You've tried explaining, and you've tried threatening. Neither is working. You do not have to break down and argue. The constant arguing and explaining every morning is getting you know where except further down and stressed. I can understand how it can wear you down to just wanting to give in "just this one time" but the key here is consitancy. If you give in to the behavior, it is only reinforcing the behavior.

She whines, complains, argues, and fights = gives in just this once. The next day she will do the exact same behavior. If you don't give in, she will increase this behavior. It will continue in this manner until you give in again, just as she expects. This is the cycle that has to end. You will no longer be giving in to the behavior. She needs to be aware of this. Then you have to follow through. She can sit in the back seat and cry, beg, scream, threaten, and you do not have to respond or explain anything. She already knows that if she is truly sick, she can go to the school nurse.

The next step if figuring out what the underlying cause for her behavior-being so upset and against going to school. Is she doing poorly in classes or having difficulty understanding the material? Is she in a situation with bullying or other social problems at school? I suggest you contact the schools guidance counselor immediately and set up an appointment. This will be documented that you are aware of the problem and that you are actively addressing it. Talk with your daughters school guidance counselor about your situation in a calm manner.

To break the negative behavior that has been reiforced in the past, I have found positive reinforcement on a small, achievable scale, to work the best in most situations. It sounds hokey perhaps, but it has worked. Take a piece of plain typing paper (or whatever you have) and make 5 boxes labelled Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri. Each day that she goes to school without EXTREME DRAMA put a star, or a sticker, or something to indicate success. Now, I said without EXTREME DRAMA because it is going to be difficult to change a behavior that has been reinforced (meaning that she was getting what she wanted through that behavior) and it is the behavior that you're wanting to change-not the physically getting to school. This is because it is the behavior that is causing the underlying issues with you and your daughter and if the behavior is eliminated then going to school will follow suit. She gets ONE warning. She starts in with saying she's ill, doesn't want to go etc- "This is your one warning." At the end of the day when she returns home, greet her with being proud and positive. At the end of a week she should get something that she wants- going out on the weekend, going out for icecream, whatever is age-appropriate and affordable in your situation.

These are some of the things a social worker / behaviorist will do if it gets to the point that Social Services becomes involved. Your goal is to take control now before it gets to that point. No need to threaten her with the fear of state involvement, or negative consequences right now. She is already aware. She is already anxious. You need to bring in the consistency and the positive. Completely ignore the negative behaviors in the mornings. When there is quiet, or she is doing what she needs to do give her small encouragements such as shes finishing brushing her hair, or putting on shoes, give her a quick hug as you pass by her on your way to get your keys, with a big smile.

She can only succeed with the negative behavior if you allow it, if you give in and respond to it.

Don't expect it to change over night. It is going to be a process. But you CAN do it. You have control over how you respond. You can choose not to show the frustration and anger when she is arguing etc and you can choose (no matter how p.o.'ed you are by this time) to paste on a big smile and be positive when she is not engaging in the behavior.

When she is out of the car, and out of sight, or you are back home you can jump up and down, hollar, grrrr as much as you want to get it out of your system. The point is that she does not see it.

edited to add- The child is probably experiencing a great deal of anxiety and tension. Please keep this in mind. Put yourself in her place- with the episodes such as taking all middle dds' clothes and shoes, and the rages that you have experienced. Remember, she has experienced them too but as a child she can't understand it the same as an adult. She can't put things behind her and accept these things as just a part of your illness. On the same note- you need to be able to accept that you've done things or said things that you should not have and then go on without beating yourself up with guilt. Think positively, think about a more positive way to handle the situation if it should arise again.

Best wishes
Michelle




Edited 9/29/2006 12:06 pm ET by xyro


Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:44pm

.i completely understand what you've told me & i so appreciate it.
i did get a call & i brought her home.i wanted to speak to the nurse or teacher but i was quite ignored told to talke my child & leave.
i was nice as pie to her but there is no afterschool socializing today.nor can her sisters go b/c i'm not leaving her alone for hours.

i can only hope her father doesn't decide its ok to take her to the parade tomorrow.
last year i DESPERATELY tried to get ahold of a school guidence counselor.i was shocked to be met w/ the impression that there was no such person & if there were the red tape was incredible.
what?.....
finally i met someone who said they knew the school or ditricts counselor(this was a paren't/psychologist)
but for some reason,he more i asked it was as tho this person was busy,or had other duties
or something utterly rediculous imo.
as for private help,i couldn't even find someone to treat me & my h didn't beleive in paying out of pocket for child psychoanalysis.how could he w/ all he had to shell out for me anyway.we didn't have it.
my tdoc who works in public school knew no one.
would you beleive i live in new york?
beleive me i HAVE thought of all this & i have swum upstream.
my tdoc has agreed that i should see this new pdoc awhile & if it goes well i should bring in my dd.
this doc is good w/ kids.
as for today i was nice b/c she did play by the rules but she did have to come along shopping w/ me & she has to come when i pick up her friends b/c they will not only be looking for her i don't want their parents to know i picked up their kids even tho sara came home sick.
btw the majority of days off was from the more than a dozen cases of head lice that sruck the school & i made my case about them keeping it so hush hush & not sending notices.i had 2 kids come home from the same school already this year.
then the poor kid got chicken pox(even w/ the vaccine)& missed her graduation.
no it isn't fair.but you've got to save up for your leisure time.
like i said.there is NOTHING wrong w/ her now.she's dancing at the moment.it's something she's not relvealing or doesn't know.
all i had to sacrifice was a shower(but well...i need it)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:03pm

It is sad how it works in the school system some times. I did experience the same situation with a couple of children where their parents were unable to get appointment, then the first time when I went it was a similar situation "the counselors busy" then "the principles busy". A badge and a threat take it to the commissioner goes a long way. But that's another story.

I agree coming home sick should mean sitting in bed not going to parades but it is hard to deny when the kids miraculously better by then. I hope you are able to work with this new doc. I still wonder what is going on that she is doing these things to stay home / come home sick from school.

Best wishes!