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| Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:38am |
Just thought I'd say hi. Still alive and pretty messed up. Pdoc upped the topamax to 150mg/day. He's determined to make this stuff work by itself. Tdoc is annoyed. Dh is annoyed. Dh called tdoc and talked with her last Fri. He wants to talk to pdoc too but pdoc says there is no mystery that I am still struggling; um, duh; so he won't talk to dh. Tdoc said she may call pdoc next week. It's pretty much a mess. Tdoc threatened me with a month in a local (and nationally known) rehab- but it's most likely an empty threat just like the i/p threat with the weight loss was. Although, if she calls pdoc, who knows...then I'll probably lose my job...and dh pretty much said we'll get divorced. The really really odd part is, I don't really care. I was laughing at tdoc. I was laughing at dh when he was telling me about the conversation he had with tdoc. It's like I have totally lost all inhibition (what I mean by that is I say things to people that I normally would never say). It's so not me. Yet, I'm crying almost every day over something. Its odd, very odd. I'm very honest with both tdoc and pdoc so it's not like they don't know what's going on. I called pdoc again today (third time this week) to let him know tdoc might call next week and to ask him to help me understand if this apathy could be a side effect of the medication. If it is, increasing the med is going to really mess me up. It's to the point that I could see myself getting into serious trouble- and not caring at all. The last thing I want is to go i/p or be in rehab. The meds seem to have really made the drinking an issue this time. I told tdoc that when I skip a night drinking I get a headache and get shaky around the time I would normally drink. She said there was no way that I could be going through withdrawal symptoms since I haven't been drinking that long, but then realized that the meds I'm on may be effecting how my body is processing the alcohol and causing me to experience some withdrawal symptoms. I am such a f*ck up. I know it. I know with my other medical condition I'm taking a huge risk. I know with the meds I'm taking a huge risk. Yet, I still do it. Are the meds making me worse or would I be even worse without them? I just hate this. I feel like just tapering off of the meds and seeing what happens. Sorry, I'm venting. I'll figure this out somehow. I'm finally getting my work schedule straightened out. That should help me get into a better routine. Then I should be able to get to the gym on a regular basis again. Volleyball starts next week again, too. Maybe once I get back to some structure I will be able to straighten myself out. God, I hope so. I asked to be put on tdoc's cancellation list for next week and scheduled an extra weekly visit (already scheduled for two weeks, then called yesterday to schedule for the week after that) so I can try to get my life back on track. My dh is a wreck. I am driving him nuts: crying, not sleeping, on the computer constantly, working mega overtime, never home, hyper, drinking, saying/doing things out of character. I am messing up my whole family. Ds is really having problems, too, and I'm not making it any easier for him...I told dh earlier this week that I was going to leave because it would be best for everyone- it may be hard at first, but they would adjust and get along much better without me- and I was dead serious. Ok I have to put my body to bed. Thanks for listening...it seems all I do is come here and b*tch anymore...sorry. Peg

Peg,
You need to find
~ Tina ~
i used to work for an uptown n.y. expensive psychiatrist who would get so drunk by 9 am she would greet her patients wearing her underwear outside her clothes.
she had a stunning apt. tat her office was in but she didn't have a bed.i thought it was hidden in one of the couches or something but i later found out...she had NO bed.apparently,with no one to put her to bed she inevidably wound up on the floor so she never bothered with a bed.
that's just one chapter.i do remember for some reason having a conversation w/ a patient asking him why he even went to her.
i can remember sitting at a kitchen counter in west hampton talking to him on the phone.
i cannot for the life of me remember his answer.
you can't make this stuff up tho.
peg,i'm gonna give you the sugarcoated comfortable anser you need & you deserve right now.
it ain't you.you are working with what you were dealt.
you got an idiot who thinks he has all the answers doc & the advice"find a new doc"isn't always easy or possible.it makes anybody wanna go off meds.
i'm with you babe.i really am.
Tina,
I'd like to find a new pdoc, but that's not an option. There are none in the area and I can't afford to go out of network. It's him or nothing at all. I could get meds from my family doctor, but with my lupus, I want someone who knows psych meds (well, that's my expectation at least). Pdoc has invited dh to come to med checks, so he's not totally unwilling to speak to him, he just was a little annoyed that I had just told him at the med check dh wanted to talk to him, then called him again like two days later explaining that dh wanted to talk to him still because I was really getting on his (dh's) nerves.
When I first started on Topamax, I flat out asked pdoc if he has had any success with it as monotherapy and he admitted that he has not- that it is an adjunct therapy. But, he was going to see how it worked for me. In the beginning, it did get me out of my a/d induced mixed state pretty well. Now I don't know what in the world it is doing...I haven't decided if I'm mixed or very rapidly cycling or both...or nothing...and, quite frankly, I don't really care...that's the bad part.
I understand why he is so hung up on trying to get the topamax to work: I'm very limited to med choices because of the lupus (or so he feels). He has had some bad experiences with lupus meds and psych meds and psych meds causing serious problems with lupus patients. That being said, that was the exception, not the norm and my lupus is mild. I go to the rheumy on the 17th and I'll get my labs done probably the end of next week. As long as I did not really mess myself up with the drinking (strong possibility that the psych meds and drinking may have caused some problems in me that would not have caused problems in someone without lupus), everything should come back good- as it has for the past year. If so, I am going to approach pdoc and ask for different meds. By then he will have the lab results (I will tell them to send them to him) and he will see that my lupus is under control and he should feel safe in trying something else. Something needs to change or I am going to lose my family. It's like I know it's happening, I can see it happening, yet I feel like I can't do anyting about it. I'm telling everyone what is going on but it's like I'm invisible or something. I can't really explain it. It's such a weird state to be in. Who knows. All I know is that I'm in deep sh*t right now and I need to get out. I can't afford to go to rehab- financially, job wise, or maritally so this increase in meds better help, and fast. I never heard back from pdoc yesterday when I called so I guess he'll call Mon unless he's waiting to hear from tdoc- who might not even call.
Thanks for the reply...Peg
Hi Suz-
I hear you about the pdocs- and you've had your share of winners haven't you! For the most part I like mine. I tried to hate him at first, but ended up liking him. He is sticking to the Topamax because he is concerned about my lupus. I respect him for that, I really do. But, my lupus is under control (unless I have caused myself some damage by mixing meds and alcohol, quite possible) and I feel that he could be a little more willing to try something else. Dh just wants him to hear, from someone who lives with me, how serious my condition is. Dh is afraid pdoc doesn't really understand that living with me is pretty annoying LOL. It's not like dh wants me to be drugged up or anything, he just wants me to be a little more even-tempered.
I am just really annoyed because I never wanted to see a pdoc to begin with, but did because I really respect my tdoc and she kept suggesting it. I think she even regrets it now LOL. I think the a/d is part of the problem, but without it, I'd be even more of a mess. I just need to find a coctail that works...and one without alcohol...
Thanks for your support. I hope your new pdoc is a good match for you and that you get your meds straightened out soon, too. Peg
drinking is messing up the meds....not the other way around.
God could not be everywhere, so
Hi Donna,
I'm guessing the drinking is not really doing the meds any good- although I don't think the meds were doing much good before the drinking. I only take bupropion (generic wellbutrin, which started my problems) and topamax (as my only mood stabilizer- added about 3 months after the bupropion put me in a mixed state). I started taking xanax about 3 weeks ago.
I was pretty shocked by pdoc's response when he said he felt I was drinking because the meds weren't totally working. But, again, he still held on to the fact that I was still on a rather low dose of the topamax. I am fairly confident that if I am still having the same problems when I see him on the 23rd, he will add something else to my cocktail.
I am going to get my lupus labs tomorrow after work, so hopefully I didn't mess myself up and everything will come back looking good, which will put pdoc at ease. Over a year's worth of good labs should be ok (well, we all know that isn't a guarantee of anything, but who knows).
If we can find a sitter for the kids, dh is coming to the next appt. He already talked to tdoc. I hope tdoc talks to pdoc- although I'm not sure she will. I left a vm with pdoc today saying not to bother returning a call I left on Fri. because I'm just tired of dealing with all of this crap and if I need more xanax before my next appt. I'll call him. I told him he knows I'm not well, tdoc knows it, and if she has a problem she can call. I was pretty pissed when I called and I'm sure he got the point that I'm rather annoyed with him and my care.
My whole family is suffering. They have been for years. The sad part is, I'm finally trying to get help and things are actually worse now than they were before seeking treatment. I grew up in a house with a bp parent (my adoptive father). It sucks. I hated not knowing when my dad was just going to flip for no reason at all. Now I'm doing that to my kids. The look on their faces- especially my baby girl...it's like reliving my life, which is a trigger, which just perpetuates the cycle. Then you add ds into the picture, well, that's a whole other story of it's own with it's own triggers...
Anyway, thanks for listening. Somehow, it will work out.
Peg
it always gets worse before it gets better....things have a funny way of working themselves out (and sometimes with help).
God could not be everywhere, so