WTF ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
WTF ???
26
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 2:42am

As most of you know....

I had a 15mo affair that finished 9 months ago,

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 9:06am

NoComp, I don't know who is in la-la land but I see that he is extremely wishy washy.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 9:10am
NC - I'm so sorry this has happened. All I can offer for now is a warm ((hug)) so that you know that I'm listening and thinking of you and I hope that someone much smarter than me will be along soon with some wise advice.

With care and concern,

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 9:14am
Looks like Energy came to your side already while I was writing my post. Take care of yourself NC. Your safety and the well-being of your kids have to be non-negotiables in all of this. xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 9:39am
Hi NC and welcome

So sorry to hear of your struggles. It seems as though maybe your H needs to start taking his meds again to gain some stability in how he is thinking. It does sound rather irrational - Are you able to ask him to not contact you for a while and in the meantime seek some legal advice re a divorce if he does start proceedings ?

Do you have any family or friends you could speak to him and try and help him regain some perspective?

Try and look after yourself and the children - sounds as though they need some shielding from this. I'm sure the others will have much more helpful suggestions so keep checking in.

theyellowone xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:18am
NC,
I think it's time you take some of your power back. You do have a choice here. I know a dday is horrible and you are feeling incredible guilt and will do almost anything to make it all better. But he has to pull his weight too. I'm sorry. This is way too much drama to have to deal with and he sounds very emotionally immature. You have been mature and accountable for everything thus far. Is this the man that YOU want to be with and go forward with? Someone who will punish you over and over again til death do you part? Unless you say enough is enough you will always be jumping through hoops and that is no way to live. I suspect if you can hang tough and say "that's it" you will then have a man you can work with. Right now you can't count on him for anything. Prepare yourself.

I'm sorry NC.

Chechi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:24am

thanks

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:28am

My reaction at this point NC is to remove you and the children from this nightmare - the relationship between you and your H is NO longer the priority. Unfortunately, the moment we entered into affair Land and demonstrated the lack of importance our marriage partners were to us, the moment WE no longer made it the priority. Once the damage starts, it is hard to make right UNLESS he is fully ABLE to do the work to repair it with you. Unfortunately, each of us have different capacities to overcome adversity, grief & loss. That is - not all of us have the same level of resiliency for lots of complex reasons.

So NC, after 6 months - it is TIME to put an end to this madness. The verbal abuse is unacceptable and will eat away at you and your children. Children being exposed to the emotional abuse of their mothers suffer as though they are the direct targets of that abuse. This isn't to place responsibility for his abusive beviours onto you - but for you to appreciate that at this point, the affair damage can't be undone - but you CAN lesson their exposure to his verbal abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:31am
thanks chechi
emotionally immature is exactly right i couldnt have chosen those words better myself.....i think ineeded to hear that.....to call his bluff is a huge risk to take..but it may well be the only way....
knew i would get some tough love here NC x

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:31am

Hi and welcome back NC, sorry it has to be this way.

I knew he had a bad time early, but I honestly thought that it would start to be OK by now.

Since you can't depend on what he is going to do.........or not do, I suggest that you really dig in and start protecting yourself. By protect, I mean more than just physical, I mean financially and emotionally. I hope you have gotten legal help, and haven't signed off of anything as you were thinking of doing. If you have, it still isn't too late. Things can be undone.

I know in the past you have been very amicable, and were bending over backwards trying to get through this and make things right.

Since it isn't working, I would suggest a different plan of attack.

You may have to become the b**ch, and stop cooperating. It is what it is. (I hate that) Truth IS, what it is. He may need a rude awaking as to that things are NOT just going to be just his way, in his little dream world. We know it takes two, to make a marriage work in all circumstances. It takes two to dissolve it also. If he wants play back and forth, then let him do it by himself. Slow down and become a little harder to get along with.

Somewhere on iVilliage is the 180 degree list. Although it is intended for those have been betrayed, it could be a starting point of where you may want to go if he is going to continue to act like a baby.

You have showed him where your heart is at, you have played his game since DDay, but he has to cooperate also. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Sure, you did what was wrong, but if he can't forgive, then maybe you have to take another look at whether you want to stay in a marriage that is going to be like that.

Whether we like to admit it or not, the people we are married to are and were, the same person. They didn't just change when your A started or on DDay. If he is a little whacky now, he was whacky before. This isn't like a physical disability that just happened. You must have seen this side of him before. I know you always have worried whether he could recover or not.

Stay strong. Get a backbone and lookout for yourself..........FIRST.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:33am
Agreeing with TU. At some point EVERYBODY has to forgive. That's the only way. There's no way you can start to even forgive yourself in these chaotic conditions. If the marriage fails now you're not the only one to blame. Be strong NC.

Chechi

Pages