Can't do it anymore
Find a Conversation
Can't do it anymore
| Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:41pm |
OK so dh and I have been going through the summer from hell and it is only continuing into what looks like it will be the fall from hell too. I have threatened to leave him many times. I was dx'd with BP this summer and he started going to a tdoc as well because he is suffering from PTSD and Depression. I knew something had changed inside of him but at the same time I have changed so much too that I wasn't sure what the difference was. I finally got him to admit that he needs to wake up from this comma of depression he is in and he totally tried to do a 180. Well that lasted for about 3 whole days and now he's right back to same old dh. I told him that I can't continue to keep accepting his promises of change only to be disappointed again and again. I am giving him everything I have left and if it doesn't happen this time I'm afraid I'm gonna have to walk. Of course he blames all of this on my BP and being manic and insisting on having an immaculate house and blah blah, it's all my fault, I'm attacking him, I'm not perfect either, all of the manipulative things he does to turn things around onto me. Well my tdoc has taught me to fight fair and stand up for myself and dh is not liking that at all. I'm just afraid that it's too late for us, and I'm so depressed. I can't think straight, and I can't stop crying thinking that my life is falling down around me and no matter how badly I want it to work I know that I'm not happy and can't continue to live this way. I'm only 26 years old. We've been married for 7 years, everyone says that 7 years is the hardest but I just can't see myself getting through this right now. No one understands either, they all think I'm the bad guy, which just makes me feel more upset and alone.

that is just wrong people are blamming only you...it takes two in a marriage...unless there is cheating, I don't see how just one person can kill the entire relationship.
I think its good he's seeing a tdoc, and so are you, but what about marriage counceling?
God could not be everywhere, so
Your husband and you are both dealing with issues of your own and those as a couple. It is hard when two people suffer from mental illness to be supportive to the other, especially when you both are feeling overwhelmed with your own issues at the same time. This isn't going to be easy for either of you.
It is great you are both seeing someone. Marriage counseling could help a lot. Having professionals to help you both individually and as a couple.
I hope it eases up for the two of you.
Keep working with your tdoc to help yourself. Right now you need that for you.
Take care of yourself
Tina
~ Tina ~
If your dh is also seeing a tdoc, then it sounds like he's trying to work on his problems too.
I would agree with everyone else here. You and dh are both dealing with serious issues individually and it's tearing the two of you apart. I would also suggest marriage counseling to try to fix the marriage issues. My xh and I hit the 7 year mark and he has a narcissistic personality disorder, though would never admit it, and our marriage (in his eyes) fell apart strictly because of me.....forget the 2 affairs he had - they had nothing to do with it. Marriage counseling did nothing for us because of his sick attitude, but it sounds like your dh is willing to work this out. He is seeking help for his issues so he is aware that he is playing a role in the marital strain. I don't know what it is about the 7 year itch, but it sounds like you don't want the marriage to end and it sounds like dh doesn't want the marriage to end. You just need a marriage counselor to help the two of you with your joint issues while you both continue with your individual therapists on your individual issues. Try to hang in there and know that we're here for you. Good luck:)
Hugs,
Traci
Thanks to everyone for your support. Things are looking up. Sometimes there are moments where I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I can't make it through. I was pretty manic last night and dh decided to point that out to me, which of course I took as him patronizing me and got all upset that he was trying to calm me down. I was way over the top yesterday and just couldn't calm down. I'm glad that he's starting to be able to recognize these things in me but at the same time I don't want him to point out my issues. Double edged sword I guess.
After I calmed down we did have a good talk about his excessive drinking (self medicating) and how he needs to get that under control and I know that he is making efforts to get there and that's what counts.
Thanks for the support again, I'll keep you posted!
LOL-I sure know about that double edge sword of being thankful someone recognizes my mood swings and PO'd that they point them out!
Is there anyway you could take a short break from each other ... like a month at your mom's or something. Not a real seperation, just a SHORT break to focus on yoursleves.
I nearly left my H in our 5th year (if you live together before marriage they say D at 5 yrs). Had it all planned out. There was 0 vacancies in my city to I was waiting for my sister & her 4 kids to move out of my mom's so I could move in. Two weeks before the date I had to hospitalize my H. (Where I think was first dx'd with bp but he wouldn't admit it - was put onto Depakote.) He came out medicated and in AA so I decided to stick it out.
In the past few years we've had a huge amount of stress, PPD in me, plus lost my brother which depressed both of us. Then H struggling with the effects of bp again. I know what it's like for us to BOTH be defensive & somewhat accusing each other. It's painful. THIS IS WHERE I BELIEVE MARRIAGE COUNCELING WOULD BE KEY IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You need to learn a new way to communicate with each other so one doesn't feel like s/he is being attacked when that was not the intent.
There is a support group called Dual-Diagnosis Anonymous. It follows the 12-step, plus 5 steps dealing with mental illness (PTSD & Major Depression fall into these categories). I hated al-anon, my H hated AA, I went to open AA meetings & I too hated it. But I go to a NAMI Family support group & he goes to DDA & we both LOVE our groups. You might want to see if there is one in your area. There is also a group called Dual Recovery Anonymous. And/Or there is also Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance that has meetings you could attend together.
http://www.dbsalliance.org/
There is also the possiblity of Depression Fallout. Where you become depressed from dealing with a loved ones depressive illness. Now with both of you having a depressive illness it could be going both ways. I highly suggest the book 'How To Survive When THEY'RE Depressed.' It really opened my eyes, help me to start finding better ways to communicate with my H & set up my own boundaries.
Is there any way you could have your H tell you he sees signs of mania w/o offending you? If so suggest it to him. I personally go through the HALT with my H. Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? Usually he figures it out & he tries to take care of it.
It sounds like you're doing better today - but you never know when there is going to be another drop. While in a better mood is probably a better time to start getting plans made so the next drop wont be so hard.
... as another poster stated earlier, if you cannot 'snap out of it' how can you expect him to? It takes compassion and patience. But at the same time setting up boundaries for yourself so you're not too overwhelmed.
My thoughts are with you.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng