It makes you wonder...
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| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:04am |
There is so much going on in everyone's lives right now- it seems so many of us are struggling in different ways. What is going on in the world right now? In all of our lives right now? Why all at once?
Possible major triggers...
I want so much to be well. To stop hurting. To stop crying. I should be sleeping right now. I stay up late at night now- that is when I feel. I cannot hold the emotions in any longer. There is no room left. I knew it would happen one day- you can only stuff things in so long and then it just overflows. I try so hard to block it all out- to shut down- I can't do it as well anymore. Damn it. Damn the pain. I don't want to read the paper. There have been too many articles about the priest abuse- I used to be able to read them- I can't anymore. I have been crying for the last hour over the front page article about the Amish school killing that took place about 30 miles from my house. There are triggers everywhere now. I just can't block them like I used to. That's why I can't sleep. If I stay up and just cry, I can hold it together during the day. I just want the pain to end. I try to ignore it. But I see that little girl inside me. She is crying, begging to be saved, begging to be rescued and helped and acknowledged and heard. She didn't deserve her childhood. She wants to be loved. She wants to be held and treated with respect. But she sees you doing the same thing- the same thing that happened to her- you are repeating the cycle of yelling and frightening your children. She is yelling at you- crying and telling you to stop, please stop. She is reminding you how much it hurts to be scared. Just look. Look in that little girl's eyes. Hold her. Love her. Make her feel good about herself. Damn this illness. Damn my father for molesting me. Damn that priest for molesting me. I just want the pain to stop. I have never really been able to express feelings about this and I'm sorry to do it here- it's not the place. I just didn't know where else to go for support. I still can't stop crying...

Super many hugs and P&PT's.
Love, Kelli
Don't be sorry for posting that here...the point is,
God could not be everywhere, so
Don't ever ever apologize for coming here and reaching out. We are here for you.
I too was molested and raped so I can understand where you are coming from. The news triggers me a lot. I watch very little but I hear about it all the time.
It is good you are feeling these feelings and getting them out. This is were the healing begins...letting yourself feel. I know it
~ Tina ~
Peg. I'm so sorry you are hurting. But, honestly, this is a GREAT thing...you are getting it out...you are FEELING your pain and not holding it in...that's the first step to healing. I've BTDT too...I hate my abuser...and it took me a LOOOONNNNGGGG time to get to where I am now...
Love the "little Peg" inside you...nurture her...nobody else ever did. It sucks, but you have control NOW. You CAN heal. Its hard work, but you're strong...you can do this.
Keep talking...get it out...purge yourself. It does help. And never apologize to us...this happened TO you...its not YOUR fault.
We are here for you.
Love and Hugs,
Keli