Appears her suicide threat worked again
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Appears her suicide threat worked again
| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:32am |
Several phone calls, 42 mins for one call, late at night, early in morning to a phone # that is only 2 digits off from the one he called last year. He's not calling me & so far he has not taken a call from me.
This time he's sober. He's not in mixed mania. This is HIM.
Hoping when I hear from him he'll be honest & tell me about the calls on his own. If not I guess it's really over :-(

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Bonnie,
Please just take care of yourself. That's all you can do. Right? You have to be okay, and not let him steer you off course. I know this is hard, and I'm sorry its happening. But they are only phone calls...not to minimize it. I have been on both sides of this fence and either one isn't fun.
Is he taking his meds? Seeing his pdoc?
Are you going to therapy? Its so important that you not lose yourself in him and his disorder. My dh and I have grown SO much now that we aren't living together. Its not conventional, but I've never been one to stick to convention.
Hang in there, hon.
Keli
Okay, the 1st post was written strictly out of emotions. I've calmed myself down & formulated a plan.
1. I want to give him the chance to disclose.
2. I want to give him a chance to talk to his support group.
3. I want to give it time to find out if it was him venting or a relationship reforming. As the last time I had talked to him he was ANGRY at her.
4. VERY IMPORTANT ... does he stay sober? Has he learned new ways to deal with emotional trauma?
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What has happened in the last hour or less.
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I called him, he took it. His voice was distant & he said he could not talk right now but would call me later. He did say I love you as he hung up. (He didn't sound anything but 100% sober.)
I sent him an email stating this... (Something I was already planning to talk to him about BEFORE I found the phone calls. Something I realized while talking to my mom last night - she suffered through years of my father's A - that ended in D.)
I didn't get the chance to tell you this morning. But I realized last night you confiding in me in regards to the email made me feel stronger about our relationship. I know it was hard for you and you were not sure if you wanted to share that information with me or not. Yes, it's been hard emotionally, but deeper down it's a comfort. You could have easily deleted the email and never brought it up and nothing come of it. Thank you.
I'm sorry you've had to go through all this again. I know the emotions it's triggered for me, I cannot imagine the emotions for you.
Love & Miss you,
Bonnie Jean
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Now my plan
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Say nothing of the phone calls. Give him a chance to tell me about them. Watch his phone minutes over the weekend & into Monday. Do they continue? Is he distant & irritable with me &/or the kids? Etc.
I have strong instincts. Always have. I will trust my instincts and evaluate on Monday. During the weekend I'll stay strong & an emotional support.
If it all goes bad then on Monday I'll give him a printout of the calls & ask him to leave. If all goes well I'll try hard to bury beneath my soul.
Thanks for all your support!
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Bonnie,
This is SO awesome. I think its a great plan and you have it under control. Yes, wait on bringing up the calls and see what happens with them this weekend. Keep posting, we're here for you.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
you are his wife,not his mother & you are allowed to be emotional.
there is a thin line between supportive & doormat.
why SHOULD you have to sit on your feelings & jump out of your skin untill he tells it in his way.
i'm sorry if i'm harsh but i say it as i see it & i spent my life being the mentally ill other woman & so i know where this chick is coming from.
if its been as long as its been since they spoke,why is she calling HIM?why is he ANSWERING?he should call her mother or other relative tell them she's in trouble & then dust his hands off.
he's not responsible for talking her down or arranging her care...how would HE feel if you were wasting time on a relative stranger b/c they said they couldn't live without you.
a simple..i'm dealing w/ MY illness as well as making up what i've done to MY family.please don't suck me down.
i just had a similar conversation a moment ago.i said.conversation closed.i'm hanging up now.
what's the worst that will happen if you put your foot down..demand an explanation cry your eyes out THAT YOU ARE HURT.
that he'll leave & run into the arms of this woman & they an foster eachother's illness & alchoholism?
i highly doubt it.
stop being so analytical & allow YOURSELF to just FEEL.stop putting yourself last all the time.sometimes enough is just enough.
Hey suz!!! I have to say that I don't agree with everything that you said. I think Bonnie is the type of person that is unconditionally supportive until she reaches her breaking point. We all have a breaking point and clearly she is not at hers.
I too have been the mentally ill manic as hell OW, and I have done that very thing...called my married ex lover to "talk me down". After the fact. Its not easy to just throw it all away. Especially with someone you truly loved and felt that connection to.
But, I don't know. I'm just me.
I don't think we are being "doormats" when we react emotionally and try to save our marriages. Do you kwim?
Suzie, thank you for being concerned about my emotions and not being walked all over. It is very kind of you.
I beleive reacting on emotions is dangerous. One is not thinking clearly when ran by emotions. Giving it the weekend gives me time to evaluate everything & react logically - not emotionally. So is it really giving him the benefit or giving it to me??? I have 2 very young children to think of and I want to take care of them in the most rational way as possible.
When you're feeling a whirl-wind & not wanting to go there, can I ask, are you drawn to the rock or the chaos? I realize sometimes you're drawn to the chaos, but if you've been trying so hard to seek stability & desiring stability which would you prefer? So I could become unstable myself & be run by emotions, or I can stay in control, for myself, my children & possibly him.
I'm giving him the choice, choas or stability. It's his decision. My decision is to give it a few days.
I have other outlets to let my emotions out. Support boards & family.
I also do not sit on secrets very well .. there should not be any in a marriage. Eventually I confront my H on EVERYTHING.
I feel good about my plan & I'm sticking with it.
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Bonnie,
I'm in agreement with Keli. I think your plan is an awesome one. I wish you the best of success with it! I know it's hard to do, but you've got the right attitude to carry it out. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Hugs,
Traci
Bonnie,
I'll keep you all in my prayers!
& i don't think that's true.sometimes it just makes us human.
& i didn't say i thought being emotional made us doormats.sitting on emotions can tho.
the can also foster resentment & illness.
i know women(very well) married to saints who routinely cheat on them emotionally & or physically or who beat them when something doesn't go their way.
or withdraw & make their partners walk on eggshells.
but otherwise the marraige is great & the kids are happy so the women are still happily married to them.
works for them.but the men do it b/c they can(he works hard.he has a mental illness.he needs the alchohol to relax.i said something wrong.he's a good father.its my job to make him happy.he's not bothering anyone)
so it was just my opinion.
& it was an emotional one.but bonnie i'm sure didn't post here to get pats on the back.she wants opinions
bonnie.i think your plan is awesome.
i wish you the best of luck.
i didn't really didn't mean to step on toes.i know that bonnie knows that.
oh hon...i know you didn't mean to step on anyone's toes!!! I didn't mean that. You're great and have a wonderful perspective!
Love you,
Keli
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