parole :)
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| Mon, 04-11-2011 - 8:05pm |
I've been in "jail" for 8 long years looking out at a life I want to have. I have watched other people hold hands while going for walks, share wine while having dinner, and play golf together while I sat alone in my cell.
I would see xap holding the key, waving it in front of me sometimes. I would see him stuff it in his pocket when he would spend time with his family. I would even see him drop it and forget about it sometimes. But he would notice it was gone, find it and put it back in his pocket. On occasion he would even throw the key away, only to dig it out again, not willing to let it go. He used it to come visit me often. But he always left, along with my hope of a life with him. The key became very old and rusty during all those years. Toward the end it didn't work as well as it did in the beginning.
One day I was sitting in my cell, I reached in MY pocket and found a brand new key. It had been there the entire time, I just didn't notice it. But I still kept that key in my pocket. I still waited for him to show up with his rusty, old key. If he did, I'm sure it wouldn't even fit the lock anymore. I took the key out of my pocket and unlocked the door. I stepped outside, into the fresh spring air. I felt the warmth of the sun on my face.
A good friend and I were talking about the movie Shawshank Redemption the other day. Like "Red" in the movie, I don't know how to live on the outside. But I'm learning. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." I spent 7.5 long year in my A, dying every single day. I'm finally ready, after almost 10 months out to get busy living.
The key lies within. YOU hold it in your hand. All you have to do is use it. :)
Bodhi

Hi Bodhi, I was thinking about you just now...so glad to see you free and happy:)
Thanks, Bodhi. I LOVE the analogy. It's sad.. because I can identify (my affair lasted 5 long years while I watched my life pass me by).. but gives me HOPE. I'm just starting my journey alone.. went NC last week and changed the lock. Iddy asked me to post an update on my story.. I will try to soon. Right now I'm just too raw to write much or think clearly - - but I read 24/7. Just trying to make it one hour at time... had a meltdown this past weekend when I had to have LC to take my DD to her soccer game (x-AP is her coach). I parked my car in a space near a corner of the field where I could watch from my 'private bunker', but even that was too much to bear. To borrow your analogy I still felt like I was in a cell.. but better than the week before, when I felt all eyes were upon me as if I were an escapee wearing prison stripes.
Please keep sharing - - I love your unique style and optimism.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida