New to BP .. need some advice
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| Sun, 10-08-2006 - 4:04pm |
My H was dx'd w/ BP nearly 3 weeks ago. The psychatrist put him on Lamictal. I had finally got him an appointment because I didnt trust the way his regular MD was pushing other meds (sleeping pills, Wellbutrin along with the Zoloft he was already on). So, he went to see the expert to be sure the meds were correct. What brought him there was the fact that nearly 7 months ago he attempted to hang himself in our basement. He was dillusional, had liquor, beer, other medications (rx and otc) in his system. Fortunately, I intercepted and got him on the road to recovery, so I thought. I thought that was rock bottom. He was in the psych ward for a few days, then started IOP and AA. After being sober about 3 months, he started drinking again. Lying picked up again. And around this time, started an emotional affair with a girl at work. Lots of mood swings, depression, rage, you name it. Of course when I found the drinking, I wish I would have handled it differently. I tried to keep him sober and that just increased his lying and hiding. I eventually found some emails from the OW and confronted. He was quick to lie about who she was, where they met, etc, and promised he would end contact. Then, ironically the day he had gone to the psychiatrist, is when I discovered the A had continued, he came clean about who, what, where, etc.
Over the years he has been moody at times, but this just got worse over the last few years. We have always had obstacles to deal with and I know that our marriage issues are not solely based on BP, but I need to more about the disorder.
We are in counseling, thankfully. Individual and joint with the same therapist.
I need to know more about the disorder. I know that it takes several weeks for the medication to show any results. First, will drinking beer effect it? He drinks an average of 6-8 beers a night, more on the weekends. Second, are there any sexual side effects of the medication? Such as less interest, or maybe trouble climaxing? Our sex life had been really great over the last few years, and over the last couple of weeks he has less interest and is different during, and seems to have trouble with climax. Sometimes he gets there, sometimes not, sometimes things cut out in the middle (never happened ever before with us). This is extremely personal, but I just dont know what to do. I have high hopes that it is the medication. Has anyone experienced this or know of any side effects like this? The website does not have much information on it. Also, if this has happened to anyone, has it eased at all once the body was used to the medication?
I appreciate ANY advice you can give. Whether for the questions I asked about the medication or how I can be supportive of him.

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I'm back from vacation with a whole nother set of issues.
Morning of us leaving, he had been planning for a couple days to go into work to finish some last minute things. Of course, I had my alarms going off in my head. Long story short, he had met up with her and walked some nature trails while talking. THE DAY WE WERE FLYING TO DISNEY! I confronted, he admitted after I showed proof - date stamped metro park pass left in his vehicle. Then we got to go on vacation. He showed so much remorse that night and the next day. He was like a lap dog.
Then it wore off when he saw that I was warming up to him. The thing is that it is really hard to stand my ground with him. I just look at him and I melt. He knows me. He will make me laugh and just be him. I dont understand why he would do that. How can he turn that on and off so easily? As soon as I warm up, he stops and turns off the charm and we just exist again.
Less than an hour after arriving home, I told him he had to leave. I was done with this. I was firm and without emotion. Appartently that hit him pretty hard. He came to me the next day, after he started his packing and nearly broke down. I thought he was sincere in his actions and what he said. For a couple days it even felt like we were in the beginning of our relationship again.
Here we are 1 week later, 2 weeks since his little nature walk. He started nit picking at me again. I think he even picked an arguement. It escalated and I told him to leave. The pain is enormous. I had let my guard down and opened myself to him again. I was so much stronger last week and was prepared for him to be gone for good.
Today he proceeded to tell me that I am just mad because he fell out of love with me and he has really been trying hard to fall in love with me again. Just imagine how that felt and what that did to my self esteem.
How can I get my strength back? How can I ease this pain? How can I stay strong enough to resist him when he turns on the charm? I know I need to not have contact with him in person. But I cant ignore him, we have kids that he will want to see and I refuse to hold him back from his kids. I dont want to turn my back on him completely, because I worry about his mental health. I just cant be sure that all of his actions are from the bp. How can a person change so much? How can bp just creep up so quickly and your world is upside down before you know it?
Sad thing is, I have such a strong love for him and I really want this to work out. He knows that I will be there for him no matter what, and that I have his back when needed. But I know that I cant keep getting hurt. I am torn and really dont have anyone to talk to other than my/our therapist. I really need to stop calling the therapist in between our sessions, that cant be healthy to be so needy. I am feeling so empty and in tremendous pain.
Have you had a chance to read the Love Languages book? I am surprised that your H stated HE was trying to fall back in love with you. That is actually a "good" sign in that he is not putting this all on you....however he then turns around and nit-picks and starts arguments.
I started one way and then something hit me that I had read in another book and on various web sites about surviving an affair, be it physical, emotional, or cyber/e-mail....they ALL mentioned EVERYTHING your H is doing. He turns on the charm and acts loving towards you because of guilt, when the guilt is gone he quits. Then he turns around and starts a fight to justify him going back to the OW. There is more research you will need to do. I know to start he will need to completely seaver ALL contact with the OW, he will need to make his life as totally transparent to you as he can. The A HAS to end before you can even THINK about moving forward with the two of you.
To help a little, not to try and tell you how to run your life mind, but ME personally, I would research how to survive an affair, then how to help your H fall in love with you again and then figure out the bp. JMHO. From your latest post here I would hazard a guess that RIGHT NOW your biggest issue is the A. Something DW and myself found out when we started delving into A's was they usually start because the straying spouse feels there are "needs" not being met in the marriage....DO NOT GET ME WRONG, I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT, just trying to pass on the info DW and myself have had to learn the HARD way. That is why I brought up in one of my original posts that your H very likely feels like the OW "understands" him "better" that you do. That is a hard fact to take, but very likely what is going on.
I stated the above as I agree with you that ALOT of your marriage problems are probably NOT related to the bp. Anyway, in MY case I did not lay the blame on the bp....I made the choices, I will take responsibility for those choices, and live with the consequences. I also don't think the bp crept up on ya'll so much as ya'll didn't know what to look for. BTDT. I hope you don't take this the wrong way and feel like I am pointing fingers. You are in a tough situation no matter how you look at it or what one claims is "causing" any of it.
Sorry I can't help on how to get your strength back or what to do in this situation....DW decided WE were worth fighting for and we are struggling through the rebuilding. Again, maybe she can give you more/better insight as she has lived this from you side of things. I am of course speaking from the "other side of the fence".
Good luck and keep us posted,
tk
P.S. It isn't "needy" to need support and want answers during these difficult and trying times.
Tinkerbell, My DH(TK) thought I should answer you also as I also am the spouse of a person with BP (EOBP-early onset bp). I have found myself in a situation much like yours. Recently I found out that my DH had two FA and several EA. Most of the EAs I knew about just wasn't able to put a label to them. Alot of what you are saying about your DH is how my DH was acting until about 6 months ago. He had checked out of the marriage and we were on the brink of divorce. The first FA started because he felt like I didn't understand him and that I didn't care. I will point out here that I disagree with what my DH (TK)said about the OW being or having a mood disorder. I know some of his EAs didn't. I do have to add that at the times of all the As I was majorly depressed (most of the 17 years we have been married). There is a book called "Surviving an Affair" By Willard F. Harley JR, and Dr Henifer Harley Chalmers that is very informative about the "WHY" of affairs, wheter it is a EA or FA. I know everyone is recommending books for you to read so you have to pick and choose. If I were to recommend any book that is an absolute MUST it would be "The Five Langues of Love". I would suggest both of you read it. There is a test at the end of our copy, and you will want to look for one that has this test. It will show you what you are really looking for from each other. Yes we should all be able to know what our SO needs or wants but it isn't always so clear. I also have to say that I totally agree about severing all ties with the OW. My DH had already done this when I found out about them. Also I have to agree with my DH that your DH must be totally honest with you. He must give you access to his email accct/accts, his phone logs, and tell you where he is at all times. If he will be late he needs to call and tell you why. His life needs to be an open book to you from now on because he has broken your trust and it will be very difficult to trust him again. I am still working on the trust issue myself. If you really want your marriage to work it can be done. I have done tons of research on BP, Depression, and other disorders for myself and children. It is tough and don't let anyone fool you that it won't be. If you feel like it would help there are several boards here that deal with A's.
My DH was undx'ed until about 6 years ago and only in the last 4-5 months has been on Lamictal. He actually dx'ed himself by reading the "Bi-Polar Child" by Popalos, which irronically a TDOC reccommended for us to read for our DS. By the time we got through the first chapter both of us knew that this was our DS it was discribing. My DH also said that he saw himself as a child in that chapter.
I knew about DH's rages from the time we met but didn't have a clue that it was something other then just his particular personality. He was never violent with me or the kids (VERY INGRAINED, by parents that you don't hurt women) but I did fear for his life on many occasions because of the violence he would show to inadiment objects. Sometimes when he was in a rage he would go out and drive and that made me very anxious because I wasn't sure if he would make it home again.
The fact that your DH is now being medicated for BP means that hopefully soon he will be easier to live with. It may take many trials and errors with different meds to get him somewhat stable. He will always have to take meds as this is not something that can be cured. We have had to tell a friend in the same situation that it might take several meds before you find out which one/ones work for you. You may also have to tweak them or try different ones later because sometimes they will just stop working for some reason or other. He will also have to stop drinking completly because meds and alcohol do not mix and you can't tell if the med is working with the mix of the two.
I hope this all helps you. Please keep in touch and deffinatly continue to post on this board and any others you might find helpful. I found out about these boards after I had a stillbirth and they really helped me get through it because the people here know what you are going through and are here to help you.
MC
MC,
How did you know that your marriage was salvagable? Two nights ago my DH moved back into the house. I had asked him to move back because things were getting much worse between us with us being separated. It was progressively getting worse on me, to the point that I was starting to sink into a depression. I cannot allow that to happen and risk my job, kids stability, etc.
He repeatedly has said over the last weeks, that he is incapable of being happy. He is still drinking on the meds, beer for the most part, some wine coolers at times. He has a yo-yo of emotions, good mood one day and optomistic about our marriage, then down and seems disgusted with being around me. He struggles to even reply to endearing comments of "I love you", "I miss you", etc. I am actually at the point of telling him not to respond. He seems to struggle when I kiss him, even good bye or good night. It wasn't too long ago that he couldn't keep his hands off of me, now it is hit and miss. The intimacy is not gone completely, but it seems that everything else is almost non-existant.
I am just not sure if I am fooling myself into thinking that he can overcome this. How do you know he is doing what is recommended by the doc and therapist? His father had committed suicide and my husband continues to show signs and even say he is going in that direction.
I did buy the 5 Love Languages and we each have a copy and I have finished and he is still reading. I am trying to follow the suggestions in the book to "fill his tank". I will say that I am in agony because I am completely empty. What else can I do? How did you know? What keeps you going? What has helped you keep your sanity and the strength to keep going?
tinkerbell, WOW I could have written this in Jan. My DH had gotten to the point of asking for a divorce because he was so frustrated. He had already stopped saying "I love you", his kisses seemed forced and he never initiated. I not sure you know but I am the one who was in such an extreme depressed state that I was barely surviving. DH is the one with EOBP thus has an extreme sex drive. In Jan when he told me he wanted a divorce it finnally woke me up. He had already started seeing a TDOC several months before and had gone so far as to call a lawyer. I decided that I wanted to fight for the marriage. I found a TDOC that did couples counciling. He begrudgingly agreed to give it one more chance. Neither of us REALLY wanted a divorce. We started councilling and weren't really getting very far. Most of the time was spent getting me out of the depression. In April when DH's dad died he went to be with his mom for a week while I stayed at home with the kids. While he was there several members of his family mentioned the book. They were unaware of the problems we were having but somehow the conversation just came up and they mentioned the book. I ordered two copies one for each. He finished reading in a week, it took me about 3-4 because I read slow. We both took the tests in the back and FINALLY after 17 years of marriage found out what the other person NEEDED. Neither of us moved out and tension was high for awhile and we noticed it in the kids.
Has he taken the test at the end of the book? If not ask him to so you know what he needs. My DH and I finally understood what the other had been wanting all along. For instance DH is physical touch. I scored in the middle on that one. I on the other hand an gift receiving. Something DH still doesn't understand but is trying. If you find out your DH's love language do ALL you can to work on fullfilling it. Even if he doesn't try to fill yours. He will hopefully eventually see the effort you are putting into it and resiprocate by fullfilling yours.
As far as the drinking your DH has to WANT to quit. If HE doesn't want to then there is nothing you can do to stop him. You can encourage him but he is the one making the decision. You could mention that he needs to stay healthy for the kids and drinkinw while taking certain meds is very dangerous.
How did I know the marriage was salvageable? I didn't at first but was determined to do my best. You could mention to your DH the idea of going for MC. If he refuses then you may want to go to a TDOC on your own.
How do you know he is taking his meds? If he will allow it get him one of those weekly med holders and put them in it each week. That is one way to know. Or if he dosen't want to do that you may have to watch to make sure he takes them every day. See if he will allow you to come along to a PDOC appointment. If he will you could ask the PDOC to explain why drinking while on these meds is not a good idea and what it could do to him. Many men won't listen to those close to them but will listen to a doc.
My DH also seems to be on a roller coaster with emotions. Some days he is good and optimistic others he feels like the marriage isn't worth all the work. Luckily the later is getting more and more infrequent.
If you don't communicate well you have to start working on that. MC helped with that, I also started seeing the MC alone every other time to work on my depression and my feelings.
What keeps me going? Mostly the determination to do everything in my power to keep the marriage together. We have been through soo much together and both believe marriage is forever. Also we don't want to have to put the kids through it either because of their other issuses and disorders.
It is not easy. You will have days when you feel like it is too much work. You will have days where you feel like just walking away from everything. DH asked me the other day how we have gone through so much and are still together. So many people can't stay together when adversity comes their way. I told him that there are too many people these days who want to take the "easy way out" and just get a divorce and not have to work on the marriage.
I hope some of this helps. Keep us posted.
MC
I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to try to answear your questions as well as I can and I can't do that with just a few words.
Tinker,
I'm so sorry you are having such a trying time. I know how you feel my DH had also checked out of the marriage about 2 years ago and I didn't realize it until he hit me with wanting a divorce in Jan. I have kept going for the kids also but mostly because I love him dearly and can't imagine my life without him. It is still a work in progress between us and all I can say is if you want it to work just keep trying. I don't remember where I heard or read but doing all you can to fill your DH's love tank and just keep doing it will make an impression even if you don't see it right away. I know you said you tried MC and it didn't work and he doesn't seem interested in it again. We had also tried several times unsuccessfully. This last time he agreed to go but didn't seem like anything was getting through to him. Then one day it was like a light bulb went on and he changed his tune and I could tell he was invested in the marriage again. We still have our rough days sometimes several at a time but we are working together now rather than working as individuals.
Has he actually asked for a divorce? Have you talked about what it is he wants from you? Have you told him what you want from him? Ask him to give MC one more chance. Get reccomendations from friends, co-workers where ever you can to try to find a good one. They are not all the same and you will find that some you can't work with and others you can. Try to find one you both like. You should be able to tell within the first 2 visits if you click with them. Just keep trying.
Also like I said before make sure he is taking his meds and is keeping up with his individual TDOC as well as his PDOC.
Keep us informed, and good luck. Hope some of this helps.
MC
No, he has not asked for a divorce. We have discussed financial issues and how to handle some of that. Official child support and joint bills, etc. We know that we need to set up formal visitation, where I am not with him. Sometimes I hope that just a bit of reality of what it will be like, will be enough to trigger something. You know, like seeing an official Court Order. He has that from his first marriage, but I think it will be tougher for it to be us and our kids. There is a stronger bond, or at least there was. There is more history.
He has just said that he is incapable of being happy. He has said that the trust factor is gone (EA ended about a month ago). However, I have given him trust even though it is tough. He just reads more into anything I say because I think that he still has issues with the trust factor. I can be completely innocent in asking a question and he thinks I am asking because it has something to do with the OW.
He says that he does not want to answer to anyone, like if he works late he should not have to call anyone, or if he goes somewhere, he shouldnt have to say where, when with who and if he wants to plan to drink then he stays out overnight. I dont think many marriages allow for one spouse or the other to go out and about and stay out overnight, at least when it is a bar night out. It just is not appropriate. He would hate it if I did the same. Heck, he questions names on our caller ID. It is like, I am the one that had the A.
I am told by our therapist along with some family members that it is a midlife crisis. But how long does it last and how many actually throw away their marriages.
This board is so helpful. Sometimes I really feel alone. My family and few friends are not very close by. Then I start to feel that people are probably tired of my crying.
It really is helpful to have some others who can relate.
This is a tragic situation, I really feel for you. I am going to give you advice based on what I would do in your situation. Of course, I don't know you, and I really don't know your husband, so in the end you need to go with your instinct on what will work for your family. I am going to be blunt because I think this is an emergency situation. Feel free not to read on if you áre in no mood for that sort of thing.
This is not a midlife crisis. I think you already sensed that, and I worry that your therapist is saying this. I suspect I am bipolar, but I am definitely suicidal. Suicide experts seem to agree that it is impossible to be suicidal without an underlying psychological condition. Suicide is a process that is hard for outsiders to see. Unless he is talking about it or actively trying it, you cannot see how much it is on his mind. He may be over it, or it may just look that way. I think you are right to worry that he could attempt again.
I, too, have felt that I am incapable of being happy. I know now that that is utterly untrue, but at my worst I would have said something like that. I second what everyone else has been saying: he needs to stop the alcohol and try some psych meds until he finds the right combination. Until that happens you are just beating your head against a wall. I would try to set up a plan with him, but from what you are saying about him, he is highly resistant to anything that smacks of being told what to do. therefore, I would start by conceding that you can't make him do anything (because you can't!). However, above everything else, you do not want him to be hurt or killed by his mood disorder.
I would ask him to give you a set period of time, say 6 months or a year. During that time, ask him to devote himself to trying to stabilize his disorder. Tell him you want to help him or stay out of his way, whichever he would prefer. Try not to assume a mother role here, I suspect that will just put him off. If he agrees to the plan and then doesn't follow through, you need to plan a response to that, too. You have so many issues going on in this marriage, I think it is overwhelming and you need to prioritize. I assume that keeping him alive would be a first priority. If he agrees to give this a shot, you may be able to get to some of the other issues during the time period if he feels up to it.
I think setting a time period and then preparing yourself for the possible outcomes allows you to get on with your life if he really is beyond help. If this guy is determined to ruin his own life, I would hate to see him pull you down with him. That means you will have to be unbelievably strong and walk away when the time period elapses if things have not improved.
Suicide is highly contagious, which is why you rarely hear about this very common event in the media. There is an unwritten agreement to not report suicides because hearing about a completed suicide tends to send other vulnerable people over the edge. It also runs in families, partly genetic, and partly for the reason mentioned above. I am thinking about your children here. A divorce would be painful for them no doubt, but if he takes his own life their risk of doing the same thing more than doubles compared to the general population.
I can understand you not wanting to do individual counseling, but it sounds like anyone in this situation would be quite traumatized. Take care of yourself, please. You seem to be focusing all of your energy on him, he seems to resent it and you seem like you are rapidly falling into a serious depression. If therapy doesn't help you, it doesn't help you, but if you are going to individual therapy and just discussing how to save your marriage, rather than how to process all of these emotions, that may be the problem. Hon, to be honest you may not be able to save this marriage, and I am so sorry for that! Do what you can toward repairing it, but try to formulate a plan that will allow you a chance to have a happy life with or without him, free from all of this chaos and trauma.
I hope my tone didn't come off as too harsh. As others have said, this is not your fault and you deserve nothing but compassion.
Good luck,
Cari
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