New to BP .. need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
New to BP .. need some advice
31
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 4:04pm

My H was dx'd w/ BP nearly 3 weeks ago. The psychatrist put him on Lamictal. I had finally got him an appointment because I didnt trust the way his regular MD was pushing other meds (sleeping pills, Wellbutrin along with the Zoloft he was already on). So, he went to see the expert to be sure the meds were correct. What brought him there was the fact that nearly 7 months ago he attempted to hang himself in our basement. He was dillusional, had liquor, beer, other medications (rx and otc) in his system. Fortunately, I intercepted and got him on the road to recovery, so I thought. I thought that was rock bottom. He was in the psych ward for a few days, then started IOP and AA. After being sober about 3 months, he started drinking again. Lying picked up again. And around this time, started an emotional affair with a girl at work. Lots of mood swings, depression, rage, you name it. Of course when I found the drinking, I wish I would have handled it differently. I tried to keep him sober and that just increased his lying and hiding. I eventually found some emails from the OW and confronted. He was quick to lie about who she was, where they met, etc, and promised he would end contact. Then, ironically the day he had gone to the psychiatrist, is when I discovered the A had continued, he came clean about who, what, where, etc.

Over the years he has been moody at times, but this just got worse over the last few years. We have always had obstacles to deal with and I know that our marriage issues are not solely based on BP, but I need to more about the disorder.

We are in counseling, thankfully. Individual and joint with the same therapist.

I need to know more about the disorder. I know that it takes several weeks for the medication to show any results. First, will drinking beer effect it? He drinks an average of 6-8 beers a night, more on the weekends. Second, are there any sexual side effects of the medication? Such as less interest, or maybe trouble climaxing? Our sex life had been really great over the last few years, and over the last couple of weeks he has less interest and is different during, and seems to have trouble with climax. Sometimes he gets there, sometimes not, sometimes things cut out in the middle (never happened ever before with us). This is extremely personal, but I just dont know what to do. I have high hopes that it is the medication. Has anyone experienced this or know of any side effects like this? The website does not have much information on it. Also, if this has happened to anyone, has it eased at all once the body was used to the medication?

I appreciate ANY advice you can give. Whether for the questions I asked about the medication or how I can be supportive of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:49pm

Cari brought up a VERY good point and something I kept intending to include somewhere and keep getting caught up in everthing else I am trying to say and wind up forgetting about it. You will HAVE to set a deadline, as Cari stated. You can even have two deadlines, one you tell him and one you have for yourself. Also as Cari stated, you have to start preparing yourself now for the worst possible outcome when that deadline comes. Also, to emphasize another point, a divorce would be traumatic for your children, but all this they are going through NOW is not good for them either. I know it will be hard, but think about your children when you find your inner strength failing.

I do know how hard it can be to decide on a divorce and ending a marriage. I got to that point myself and it was probably the hardest decision I ever reached. I also felt I couldn't be happy married to DW anymore, that was a lot of my resistance in MC at first. I don't really know what changed my mind, some had to do with DW doing everything she was doing to try and make things work, another was her finally acknowledging that my feelings, fears, and concerns were valid from all that had happened earlier in our marriage....I knew it took two to work on a marriage and DW was busting her butt to make things work and had been for several months. I too, did not like being forced somewhere, and really got my dander up when the counselor told me "It's been 3 mo. and you need to make a decision here (about whether I wanted to re-invest in the marriage)"....shortly after that I told DW why that rankled so badly and that was when she acknowledged my hurt and anger. Don't know why that made a difference, but it did. Anyway, good luck and keep us posted and feel free to ask questions and for advice.

tk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:15pm
Actually I do think that he is taking responsibility for the A, but I think he is insecure. With us separated and him knowing how angry I was about the A, and he is simply a jealous person, I think he is worried that I will find someone too. That is so not on my agenda.
However, I do not think he is ready for the open book part. So since he is not in the house, I do not worry about what he is doing. I cannot consume my day wondering what he is doing because it just is not healthy. I do know at this point the A is over and has been for about a month. So maybe that makes it slightly easier.
He has said that he wants to joint sessions again. He has not ever mentioned divorce, and when I bring it up he gets really upset. Last night I sent him some of the information that has been shared with me on these boards regarding BP, the meds, behaviors, alchohol. I wasnt sure how he would take it, however he emailed me last night and then called first thing this morning. It really hit home for him. He has been doing some thinking today and today must be a good day for his mood, because I see some hope. However, I think that last night I also hit a point of being numb. I am going to start taking the advice that has been given to me. I know that I need to focus on myself and my kids. I will not be his doormat and I am going to be strong for once and stick to it. I want my marriage but I will not continue this yo yo of back and forth, sad, happy. I will be there for him, but he is going to have to make the effort. I hope I can stick to it. I guess we will see.
These boards are tremendous help and support to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:35pm
Bluntness and reality is what I want to hear, no sugar coating. So that is always appreciated. I absolutely agree about not being able to change him. I finally have accepted that. I have told him numerous times that I will be there for him and back him up whether we are together or not, I would rather him alive even if it means us not together. I like the idea of a plan and time limits. I have told him that we need to proceed as planned, (official separation, support order, visitation, etc.). He may be warming up to me right now, but it takes just one bad day to knock me down the way he did Sunday. Maybe if he sees that I will not be his doormat, and I am sticking to a plan that we agree on, then he will try to keep his end, that is if he wants the marriage. I do fear for the suicidal thoughts. His dad succeeded, his oldest daughter is a cutter (also dx'd as bp). He has so much stacked against him, so keeping him alive and not self destructing is absolutely number 1. The alcohol and meds are what I think may make the world of difference. However, I think that is the biggest hurdle we have right now. I have asked to join him at his pdoc, so far, I have not been invited. I do worry that he does not share everything with the pdoc, so he cant get the full story from the pdoc. That is why I sent him some of the info I had regarding those who have been there and he did find it very interesting, and saw many similarities. I am hopeful that he will remember that when he has a bad day. I think today was a good day for him, so he is more open to things. He has been his old self towards me and calling me, flirting, etc. However, I have this guard up and refuse to let the guard down. I will not continue to live the way I did the last two days.
My tdoc has tried to get me to focus on my own happiness, preparing for what may be a life without him, at least a marriage without him. He truly has tried to drill into my head that I cannot change him and that I have done everything I could, tried more than my share, etc. I am a reasonable person, and I do know what everyone is saying, but sometimes your heart just takes over and I am not strong in those cases. I will revisit my tdoc, it just is hard. I think if I stop, then my DH may stop and I dont want that either. I really need to start following the advice I have been given, that is my battle with myself now. Just to get strong enough to follow through and stand firm. That is the hardest part, because my DH knows the way to my heart. Thank you for your honesty and advice. I never knew these boards would be such great support.
And please take care of yourself too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:48pm
My kids are what have helped me get stronger. I refuse to allow them see me fall apart. When I feel that happening, I go to my room or the laundry room, somewhere away from them. I know they are smart, and can tell I have cried. I have tried to reassure them that their dad is there for them, and they know they can call him anytime (he told them), and that I am just sad. I am trying to redirect my focus and most of my energy towards myself and my kids. I know that I was doing the work for both he and I and without his efforts, it just wasnt working. I am turning a new direction and hope that I can be strong enough to do it. I also hope that my DH will be strong enough to follow through on what he has said that he will fight harder (the bp and our marriage). I dont hang all hopes on what he says day to day anymore, since I have come to realize that what he says goes along with what his mood is that day. I want to be there for him, but I need to keep my guard up. I cannot continue to repeat these last few days.
I will definetely be on the boards, they are a huge support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:51pm

Hey there. I just wanted to tell you a bit of my story. I'm the severely BP one. My dh was always there for ME. Taking care of me, everything while I was (am) sick. Suicidal thoughts, hosppitalizations (8) and everything else that goes along with being BP. After 4 years, he couldn't take it anymore. He never took care of HIMSELF, only me. It caused us a 6 month separation that we are just now starting to come out of.

Not that I meant to, but our marriage was a lot of take-take on my part. I couldn't help it, as I really was sick. But our BIGGEST mistake was in HIM not taking care of himself. Forcing me to help myself, so to speak.

I'm SO very grateful to him for finally having the courage and wherewithall to leave. He never stopped loving me, but he'd reached his limit. He also turned to another woman for the friendship and intimacy he wasn't getting from me. My heart was broken. However, I picked myself up, got myself more well, took care of myself and my kid and moved on.

Now, we are stronger because I KNOW what he needs, and HE KNOWS what I need. I need my ALONE time. I have a huge issue with being "surrounded" by things, people, noise. I know that he needs to know he is loved, and that I am THERE.

I won't again shut myself out of the world. Though I still want to very very much.

Hard lessons to learn.

I think you have to take care of YOU for a while, and let him figure some things out on his own. As hard as that is to do.

I too was suicidal, and I cut...but I made it through ON MY OWN.

Anyway, I know this is rambling and may not make much sense. Not doing so well today.

I hope you find some comfort.

Hugs!

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:48pm
Every little bit helps. I am getting a better understanding from both sides it is a huge help and tremendous support. I know that I need to take care of myself and kids, I also have this fear that pushing him away will do more harm than good. I am being cautious. He is calling me and he obviously had an episode this weekend. But I am not ready to go down that road again so quickly. We have talked about finding a different tdoc. It seems that ours may not be the best fit for us. We do like him, but neither of us has really felt that he gives us any comfort and that we dont seem to be moving forward. I know that I do most of the talking and he will throw some things out there, some seem textbook. Then my husband tells me basically the same thing about his sessions. So, we may start fresh with someone else. Also, dh is acknowledging some of the issues that have been there. I am seeing the person that he is again, however, we both admit that he is just not in an episode or mood at the moment.
I guess one question I should ask, is there any real pattern? May be a dumb question, but it seems that he has them on the weekends, either a Saturday morning or Sunday morning. They usually only last the day. He just wakes up in one. By the next day, he is different. I will say they have gotten to be less, with the meds. The pdoc is slowly taking him off the zoloft. I know dh is not ready to reduce the alchohol. Maybe he is waiting to see if removing the zoloft will help. I think one of the biggest battles will be the alcohol.
Anyway, I am working on myself and kids. Tough being a single mom. I have stood firm so far with the formal arrangements we made. Its hard to believe it has only been a couple of days since the lastest blow. I wonder if I am just numb or if I truly have some good coping. I did clear away some of his things that were triggering tears, and made the space mine so it was not sitting there empty. I think that did help, odd that something so minor may help.
Anyway, the posts are truly helping me through this roller coaster of life, and my emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:34am

My husband has been very recently diagnosed. Before diagnosis he cheated... then last week, while I was out of town for 4 days he was searching through personal ads online and had sent contacts to a couple. I confronted him and he said 'it was more along the lines of lookin for a friend'. I understand your pain and confusion. The remorse, it wearing off. I fear that my life will follow the same path as yours and am very seriously thinking that I cannot remain married to my husband. I too love him dearly and don't want to turn my back on him. Especially when he's trying to get well. I'm starting to think the best thing i can do for both he and I and our son is to be his best friend but not his wife. I'm so scared that one day he'll get sick and not be able to work and that we'll lose everything. So I'm starting to try to see the whole picture. You can't live your life totally for one person. I'm not much for offering advice as I'm in the middle of a similar situation. I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. Don't feel guilty about trying to take care of yourself also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 7:23pm
It's me again. It's been a month and a half and things have been awful, just a rollercoaster. DH has come and gone every couple weeks. I thought the EA ended, turned out that it turned into a FA and he was actually spending nights at her home while we were separated and not supposed to be seeing others.
Long story short, continuous lies, betrayal, hurt, etc... And ya know what? I would still take him back if I knew it was over completely and he wanted to work on the marriage. He said he just does not have it in him to try anymore. It seems like a game. Everytime I give him the cold shoulder, it seems to attract him to me. Then he lies to the OW, which as my friend has said, I have become the other woman in my own marriage!
Another baffling point is that I have found out more about this girl. She is not his type. Actually, seems to be many of the things that he does not like. Conceited, selfish, some refer to her as "stupid", not pretty, not built, annoying. I also know that when he tried to break it off with her a couple times, she just calls him non-stop. He broke it off with her last week and wanted to come home because I was talking divorce. I then ended up letting him back and then I saw his mood shift again after 2 days, and then found a text page from her. I flipped and threw all of his stuff on our lawn.
I know he is going to her again. I am thinking it is a fling, just as others have said. What is drawing him in? Is it the game? What the heck is wrong with her? She knows he is married with 4 kids! This is a game to her, I just know it.
This is not the husband I know and love. Anyone who knows him well, family and friends, says that they just dont know him anymore. Nothing is making sense.
Do I contact his PhychMD to let him know what is going on? I cant trust that my DH is being completely honest with him. He drinks ALOT. The lamactil and zoloft have been doubled along with the ambien. He is taking caffeine pills/energy pills, but was taking viagra because he said it was like speed. It is like he is going to self destruct. He is throwing away a family that loves him IMMENSLEY for a girl with issues, no way to support her. He has talked of having a vasectomy reversal because she wants kids. (thank God he had that fixed years ago or I am sure she would be pregnant). He will not have the money for that or to support kids. He will be supporting 4 kids already! He has said that he will take care of things for us first always.
I am just torn to peices. He has run me through the ringer and destroyed my self esteem, broke my heart over and over. I am not as strong anymore and cant take anymore, but I want my husband, the husband I knew a year ago.
It is taking every bit of strength I have to not call him and beg for him to come home. That would not settle anything, just feed the vicious cycle.
Should I just keep him away from me? Let him get this out of his system and see if he hits rock bottom? I am afraid to move on without him, but afraid I wont get him back anyhow. What if I move on and then he begs for me later? I dont want anything permanent, but need to heal myself and focus on my kids.
This is pure agony.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 8:36pm

I've not posted on this before, since as the queen of fouled up relationships, I felt I should be the last one to give advice, but I keep seeing similarieties in your situation with DH and my former one with my DD's father.


Someone mentioned earlier about NAMI's Family to Family program--that program isn't available everywhere, even in my relatively large urban city.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:18pm

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like things have steadily deteriorated. I know nothing about psychiatrists and confidentiality laws, but if this doctor will discuss your husband's case with you, then by all means call.

I used to work at a domesitic violence shelter and we also ran a crisis line. You remind me of one of the most heartbreaking calls I ever received, from a woman who had been married 20 years to a man she adored, and then out of the blue he started beating her up on a regular basis. It wasn't the description of the violence that was so hard to hear, it was the confusion that this caused for her - why was he doing this now, to her? My guess is that the answer was either mental illness or drugs/alcohol. Well, unfortunately, we know in your situation that you are up against both. These factors change people, dramtically and sometimes very suddenly. It is horrible to be a spectator who is basically powerless to effect any change.

I am also going to guess that his meds are adding to this. Either the alcohol is ruining any chance for the meds to work, or he is on the wrong meds. Even under ideal conditions, it can take a long time to find the right ones. I don't know if you have ever been on psych meds, but I gave it the briefest try. They are powerful, and when you get the wrong one (as I definitely did with Wellbutrin) you are better off going without. Also, in my decades of experience with doctors, they become ferociously wedded to a certain way of doing things, and unless another MD tells them otherwise, they dismiss personal experience as anecdotal (I am generalizing, I have had the occasional, wonderful doctor.) My feeling is that if people here overwhelmingly tell you that Zoloft is not a good drug for bipolars, then it isn't. I would request a different protocol from the psychiatrist, and if he won't listen, try to find a new doctor (assuming there are others in your area to be found.)

Marci gave you some great advice to think about. I think getting some face-to-face support from others who have experienced this is vital.

Why are they drawn to each other? First of all, who cares why she is interested, she is not worth the energy to discuss it. Believe me, anyone whose opinion matters sees her as trash. Why is he interested? Well, married men with four children can't afford to be too particular in this situation. He has to settle for someone willing to overlook how cruel and undignified his behavior is. He wants a vasectomy reversal so he can have a baby with some little tart who doesn't care about HIS children in the least? Now that IS crazy. (If it makes you feel any better, I have also heard that reversals are painful, and as often as not, don't work. My husband inquired about a vasectomy, and our GP, who seemed to be speaking from bitter personal experience, handed him a referral and added ominously JUST DON'T TRY TO GET IT REVERSED.)

If I were in your situation, I would break off all contact with him, but that is what a series of breakups in my 20s taught me about how I get over heartbreak the fastest. It is agony at first, but very quickly you get used to it, and soon you get annoyed when you actually have to talk to the person. I would have said talk to him, try to formulate a plan, warn him that you are at the end of your tolerance, but it sounds like he is so completely off his head that all it will do is forstall the inevitable. I do think the marriage could be saved, especially since you sound like you have an amazing capacity for forgiveness, but in his current state, I think he is too far gone to care. In fact, I think what attracts him to this woman is the escape she offers from his current life. I don't think it's about her, I'm convinced he would have taken anyone who would have him. I think if he WERE to have a baby with this woman (god forbid!) that he would need an escape from that, too. He's mentally ill - that is what he is really trying to escape. Being with this other woman probably gives him a feeling of relief and escape (for now) but that won't last. If he doesn't get appropriate help, I wouldn't be surprised if he hops from affair to affair for quite a long time.

It sounds like he has flashes of caring - he seems to know that he doesn't want a divorce. I would talk to an attorney, at least find out what you are in for. If he tries to bargain with you, know exactly what you want and don't settle for anything less. My suggestion would be that you demand he not come back into your home until he is off alcohol, and taking his medications as prescribed. I wouldn't bother bargaining about the affair, because from what you are saying, the stable man you once knew would not have an affair, anyway. Fight to get him back to that point, and some of the other problems may fix themselves.

That is all I can think to tell you right now. I am so sorry. Take care.