How do you handle "never"
Find a Conversation
How do you handle "never"
| Thu, 04-14-2011 - 5:07pm |
Hi all
Having a huge few days and wallowing in stress- just bought a new house, sad to leave old home, nervous about the bigger mortgage, I'm currently traveling, got a new job .... You name it - I seem to be going through it.
Stress is a huge trigger for me- my brain yearns for those feelgoods and escapism. I recognize that but still hard to manage those foggy thoughts.
So.... The question I have for you today is how do you handle the concept of NEVER seeing or hearing from exAP again. I'm not talking about romantic intimate stuff, but the friendship that was there.
I'm the sort of gal that reads the last page of a book first. The 'mystery' of what happened to exAPs depression, his failing business etc does my head in some days. How do you handle never knowing what happened to him.
I know the answer is 'it just doesn't matter'. But how do I FEEL that and not just recite it.
Thanks all
Iggy
Having a huge few days and wallowing in stress- just bought a new house, sad to leave old home, nervous about the bigger mortgage, I'm currently traveling, got a new job .... You name it - I seem to be going through it.
Stress is a huge trigger for me- my brain yearns for those feelgoods and escapism. I recognize that but still hard to manage those foggy thoughts.
So.... The question I have for you today is how do you handle the concept of NEVER seeing or hearing from exAP again. I'm not talking about romantic intimate stuff, but the friendship that was there.
I'm the sort of gal that reads the last page of a book first. The 'mystery' of what happened to exAPs depression, his failing business etc does my head in some days. How do you handle never knowing what happened to him.
I know the answer is 'it just doesn't matter'. But how do I FEEL that and not just recite it.
Thanks all
Iggy

Pages
Iggy,
First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through some growing pains and stress.
Time brings a change in the acceptance of realizing that you did trade in and change a friendship -
i've been thinking this very thing - I'm taking xAP leaving our company harder than I thought. I'm actually very surprised by my reaction since I would have been ELATED had this happened when our A ended.
But, I kind of got used to the LC thing - felt comforted somehow that he was still here and accessible if i so chose. . . . well, that door got slammed in my face and I'm still reeling from the shock if REALLY, TRULY NEVER EVER seeing him or talking to him again - someone I shared so much with for 8 months of my life.
But, no matter how I look at it, Dee's summation is RIGHT on. Out of our A, even if we started out as friends, we now no longer have anything in common or left to share.
Does that realization hurt? Yes, it does. I really am hurting right now faced with this reality of NEVER.
But, I will suck it up and move on. Because that is the RIGHT and SANE thing to do. For him, for me, for my family - for complete healing there can be no holes left uncovered..
I am gonna try with a restructuring approach based off your own words. I know you have been around the block long enough to know that "it doesn't matter" is a great mechanism for coping with the hurts associated with the ending. But...it is finding the answers to WHY it doesn't matter that holds the key to moving beyond obsessions and the pain. I think the truth is you already feel those things, just refuse to acknowledge them fully.
How do you handle NEVER? With the same eternal optimism that we have with FOREVER... One can only hope right? I mean we can only hope that we never have to see or hear from xap again right? Think about it, especially after all this time away, staring your misdeeds in the face, and holding yourself accountable for them, how fricking AWKWARD do you think any interaction with him would be? Knowing that both parties (hopefully) have come to grips with the terrible misdeeds that took place in order for the affair to happen in the first place. What could you possibly have to say, what words could be muttered to try and explain your thinking for the last 6 months...hell we have trouble keeping up day to day. Think instead all that angsts could be avoided and you two could just drop into "Hey how are ya?" type of conversation? Heck no...so talk about stress.
Let me ask you this...you say you are stress and stress is a trigger. Well think of what is on the other side of that gun? MORE STRESS! Can you honestly think of anything, ANYTHING, more stressful than being entwined in the A again....or having to go through the ending of the A again? I can't. Any other stress I feel pales in comparison to the stress that would arise from going back! So yeah, your brain yearns for the feelgoods and escapism. BUT do you really think there would be ANY feelgoods left there, or escape from all that your MIND already knows? In that fight Brain loses MIND wins.
Plus think of the exchange if it did happen...
Iggy: "I just got a new house (positive) and a new job (positive) and I get to travel (positive), its great!"
xAP: "Im still depressed (negative) and my business is still failing (negative)."
Boy yeah thats seems fair! Where are the feel goods in that? you get to wallow with him in his downfalls? Yet he gets to be included in your accomplishments....things which you accomplished that have NOTHING to do with him?
You moved into that new house for your family...you got a new job to help your family. Those are the people who helped you get there,and are worthy of sharing these things with. In that there is no stress!
So I think you know...Never is not something to be handled...its something to be celebrated each and every day! Here's to hoping!
So sure, this is a stage, and the feelings will fade with time. But you can move forward faster by re-framing...and realizing where any real stress would come from.
I wish you best of luck, and continued success on your journey.
peace, love & light
Foggy
I hear your sadness and frustration that the ending of the "Iggy and xAP" story was so unsatisfactory. As my office roommate loves to say to me: "suck it up princess". Unsatisfactory endings are what we get when we choose an A in the first place.
One of the ways that I cope with "never" is by promising myself "never again". Losing someone after becoming so close to them sucks, and the way to avoid it happening again is by establishing healthy boundaries and making strong choices. I lost any right to know what's happening in xAP's life the moment I sat down beside him at our first intimate dinner for two. That was a choice I made and I have to live with the consequences. I will never destroy a friendship in that way again.
Big hugs to you Iggy and I hope your work travel goes well.
Kat
Iggy,
<<>
I like the way Katniss put it. Add the word "again" on the end of "Never." Change your thinking and you'll change the concept.
Try these on for size:
I will NEVER again compromise my integrity.
I will NEVER again deceive my family.
I will NEVER again see the man who reduced me to a booty call.
I will NEVER again be someone's option.
I will NEVER again flush my dignity down the poop shoot.
<handle never knowing what happened to him. >>
You suck it up and then let it go. You are NOT friends, so why are you twisting it around like this is going to be some long lost
Thanks all for the great advice as always.
Chechi
Oh Iggy! you and I seem to have the same head on our shoulders! You are holding down the Australia branch of "Pining for a lost cause" while I am holding down the East Coast USA branch! But we do need to quit these posts, don't you think?
I chewed on "Never" for way too long--in fact--worrying to the point of a frenzy about "never" actually sucked me back into the A several times. I love what all the gals( and guys) said here..there is a lot of reframing going on and that is something you and I will benefit from because we tend to (I'm guessing here you are like me from your posts!) obsess and wallow in the same destructive thought patterns. I am actively stopping those in my mind.Change the words, STOP the thoughts Iggy. IF I can do it, you can too.
I have trouble letting go of people (no, really?! LOL) and terrible trouble saying goodbye. I still fret over some lost friends from college! Yet, one of my closest friends from high school died in a car crash, and I mourned him, oh did I mourn, I still think of him almost every day, but he is GONE. I have somehow accepted that "never" and have peace with it . I want very badly to not only accept this "never"
You have probably read this..but it is worth a re-read. Great wisdom and advice we should understand and follow.
http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/The-Healing-Library/WHY-there-is-NEVER-CLOSURE/m-p/107968883/message-uid/107968883#U107968883
"always" wasn't an option, "sometimes" wasnt working and "never" is all that's left!
Awesome!
Pages