How do I know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
How do I know?
32
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 10:41pm

Here's a quick question that's been bothering me today: How do I know whether I'm making real progress or whether the shelter provided by NC is just concealing the work that still remains to be done?

I'm coming up to three months NC and - on the whole - I feel centred and content.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 10:49pm
Oh bloody good qestion Kat!!! I often worry that I would crumble if he broke NC and contacted ms nicely, rather than the 'can we be fb's question he asked in february.

Can't wait for some vet feedback here ...

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 11:24pm

Accept that you ARE walking on thin ice that could crumble at any time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 11:46pm

Thanks Dee :) You're comment captures exactly the way that I feel! To carry on with the ice analogy, it's kind of

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 6:08am
Good question Kat. Even us doing LC do not really know where we are in our healing. Sure we have to see them But our reaction to them on any given occasion varies. So the handling of it one day is the thin ice catastrophe the next day.

For me I find it difficult to see any progress because of this. Just know that you are making progress and that it is probably a more steady improvement than our back and forth. and that you have come so far that were you to see them you would be well equipped to handle it.

theyellowone xxx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:21am

Your question is very complicated and should be worrying to you and all.

As someone who has fallen backwards many times, so many that I have lost count. I have made it to six months of NC. Six weeks, seven weeks………..many times. I know that there are many reasons that you can fail and be back into the same throws of an A in just half a second.

I believe it originates with the real reason you were in an affair in the first place. Whether you know what that reason is, the question becomes, have you made the changes in your life to overcome it? If the reason still exists then you can fall no matter how long you have been NC.

NC is a time filler, and healer from the addiction, but like an addict or alcoholic, you have to maintain the path towards what you are aiming for.

If family, husband and kids is where you want it to be, then it you have to devote yourself to making that change.

If you are only interested in feel goods, then you are easy prey to going back to the A.

The thoughts that you can be friends doesn’t work.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 10:01am

Rather,

This was a great reply, much like one I was going to post, but no need for it now.

Just want to add that if an ender is even worried about whether they have made any progress in the "seeing them" department, then IMO they haven't.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 10:29am

I face that dilemma all the time (NC since late Oct, except I sent a polite 3 line reply to fishing in late Dec). Every single day I think about her when I wake up in the morning and just before I drift off to sleep at night. And several times in between, usually when I am alone. So while I am no longer so miserable that I can't enjoy life, and am able to function, I think if I were to actually see her (or even her picture) it would not at all be good for me. My b'day came and went recently, and luckily there was no communication from her (I'd ignored hers in late February). But even though it was the best thing for me, I felt low and kind of ignored/dismissed/rejected afterwards, which makes no sense at all. But it shows that I am just not over it. I'm trying all the things people say - developing new interests, spending much more time with (and appreciating) my W, etc. But it is VERY slow. I once posted here "How long does it take", and the answer I've given myself is "As long as necessary." I almost broke NC a few days after my b'day but resisted. I find the 48 hr rule mentioned here has helped me a lot. I also think in installments - no contact until June (when we first met) by which time I'll be stronger and then it will be NC until the next thing, etc. That's helped me stay committed to NC this time, whereas the last time a year ago that I went into NC, I broke it in a month thinking I was all healed.

Good luck to you. I totally understand what you're going through. And hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 4:32pm

Please stay strong. Try to replace whatever buttons he pushed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 4:44pm

Forgot to answer the question. You know when you look at the situation and see all the good reasons for having ended it! If a person ends it and is still obsessed or stalking or questing for opportunities, they

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 5:15pm
Yellowone, as I've said before, I have huge respect and admiration for anyone who can keep LC at work! Sounds as though it's difficult for you to see progress too because of the back and forth of your feelings, so I guess that seeing him wouldn't give me the reality check that I was looking for. As always, it turns out that the answer that I'm looking for doesn't lie with xAP.

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