Advice need - Reintegrating families
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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 6:12pm |
My husband is FINALLY going to see a doctor tomorrow about getting some help for what I've long felt are the symptoms of bipolar. It's been getting progressively worse over the past two years (since his cat ran away, actually) and he was hospitalized in January to undergo psychatric evaluation. Unfortunately, there was no diagnosis then (although I indicated my suspicions to the doctor and a few nurses agreed with me), although they prescribed Zyprexa upon his release. Follow-up was optional and - of course - he didn't. The Zyprexa worked initially but then the rages, irrationality, weeping, etc. came back. He was also under a TRO, pending the outcome of his evaluation and follow-up (or lack thereof) and has not lived with us since February.
We were in a long-distance relationship for 4 yrs prior to him moving to my city, so there were no "red flags" I saw and I now believe I dismissed some of the things I DID see (odd sleeping habits, high sex drive, spending habits, obsessive behavior and talking for hours on one subject) as just "him being him".
The rages continued to escalate to the point of police involvement and there's a real mess to clean-up with assault charges, courts, Partner Assault Response counselling, etc. I never wanted the man in jail but I didn't know what else to do - I needed help and he was beyond listening to reason. We agree that in spite of it all, we still love each other. It's been a very long process and after a relatively calm August and September, he's been in quite the episode for a week, first raging (through which he also forced the sale of our car) then for the past four days he's been weeping several times a day. He's finally admitted he needs help, although talking to him right now is like speaking into a thick fog - you're just not sure what's getting through on the other side. He also acknowledges that this is something he needs to do on his own. I want to support him in his efforts to get help and treatment for this terrible condition and have been reading other posts on books that I can use as tools to assist with this. I'll also do a lot of extra praying.
The issue I cannot get around is family (his and mine). If we do get back together - or are even able to - there has been a lot of collateral damage done within the family structure.
I have two children from a previous marriage. They both really took to my husband when they met him and the first few years were just fine (we've been married 3 1/2). Then, my husband started locking horns with my son. We attempted to smooth things out, only to have other battles and these weren't just adolescent-parent squabbles, it was horrendous (I had to once get between my husband and son to prevent my husband from physically harming him). Needless to say, my son is less than enthusiastic about letting this man back into his life. He's now 14, is doing well and even my husband acknowledges it's best to keep things at arms length while this gets sorted out. They e-mail occassionally (usually at my urging) but there is no real connection anymore and I've stepped back from trying to encourage one. My daughter is now 9 and she adored her step-dad (still does) but after the last relapse is upset that it's hurt me and I see that she's distancing herself emotionally from him. Can I help with mending these fences or is this something he must do himself?
My parents have witnessed some of the horror shows he's put on and understandably they are NOT enthused about the prospect of him coming back into our lives on a permenant basis. They know about my feelings that he has BP and were originally understanding about my desire to get him some help. The thing is (and again, after this last episode), they are about at the end of their patience with him and have expressed their opinions most strongly that I should not take him back. I feel sick about this one because they've supported me emotionally through all this and in some ways I feel I let THEM down by not being stronger.
His family - WOW!! I always got along well with my in-laws and saw his mother as a second one to me. We were good friends and they were very warm and generous to me and my kids. When things started to go terribly wrong and I began getting worried, I confided in them about my concerns over my husband's behavior (the first comment to them was when he began hurting our new cat) and was hoping to get some kind of guidance or support. That - in hindsight - was a MISGUIDED approach of mine and one I regret. When he was hospitalized, I spoke with them (it was my mother who made the call to his to tell her he's been admitted), and told them about the suspicions of bipolar that I and the nurses had. On the surface they agreed with me and supported efforts for him to get better. THEN, he went to visit them and all hell broke loose. "I" was: mentally ill, malicious, coniving, greedy, having an affair (??), etc. I was called everything but a child of God and that still stands to this day. My husband asked his mother if we could BOTH attend Thanksgiving, as she was pressuring him to come to their State (we live in Canada), as I was still his wife and we were trying to work things out. She first refused then said she'd try to accomodate. It's my feeling that her initial reaction triggered this last episode (and it's been a bad one). What happens IF he receives a diagnosis and it is - in fact - not all "me"? Is it common for families to deny bipolar until the bitter end? Any stories on THIS one?
I have so many people who cannot believe I'm still committed to this man and there are many times I cannot believe it myself. So many times I tried to let it go and couldn't. Many times I've come to clarity on this situation, only to reverse my decision because in my heart, I don't believe this man is "rotten", I feel he's ill. Perhaps there will come a time I cannot do this anymore, but with him finally getting some help and being sincere about it, is this the time to give up?
Sorry for the rambling post...

You and your kids have been through a lot. Hopefully your H will get the help he needs. He is responsible for this himself. It is good you want to give him your support. Having been through so much and your kids being through so much maybe you should consider just taking your time with this. Let him get treatment( counseling and meds) and see how things go. Give it time. Things don't change over night and he won't be all better over night. So try not to rush things. Maybe even in time, IF, you feel you want to get back together with him you and your children can go to counseling as well with your H in family counseling before moving back in together.
If you feel he is going to be of harm to you, your children or even your animals you should not be with him right now. Hopefully he can get
~ Tina ~
Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us.
I agree with the educating of all parties involved. Denial is VERY common in family members. If or when your H is stable enough and you feel it is safe enough to allow him back into you childrens lives, counseling is the only route I would recommend. I also recommend educating your 14 yr old at least. Your younger one may be to young to comprehend mental illness(depends on her maturity). Get some books and the like for the children to read that is written for their maturity level and they may be more understanding of what is going on.
Tough all the way around and good luck, I see things from the other side of the fence and your support will very likely be appreciated when all is said and done. Everyone turning away from one when things are the worst hurts the most. I know I remember those who have stood by me through the years....besides my DW there are 3 people in my life that have stuck with me through the years and they are my most treasured friends. Hope you can get there too.
Luck,
tk
Thanks to everyone for the feedback and support. Looks like my husband is keeping his appointment today to look into his state of mind and (hopefully) start of a path of self-healing, although I feel this may not be an easy one to take.
The fog seems to have lifted as of noon today and the communication between us is better. The unfortunate thing is that his family is not being very supportive - they want him to be with them for the holidays and THAT is apparently THAT. I don't know if he's discussed his decision to seek medical / psychiatric help with them but if he has, I cannot imagine it's gone over well. Even though it's been a rough weekend and I've had to keep him at arms length quite a bit, I feel badly for his pain and his being caught in the whirlwind of the never-ending in-law melodrama.
I'll be in touch and again - Thanks so very much!!
Hi and welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you are having to go through all this without any support from family members. That always makes it more difficullt. You have come to the right place though for support and advice. We are a great bunch of ladies here and like to help when we can.
As for the relationships with your dh and your children, that is one that you can't force repair. The three of them are going to have to repair their relationships on their own. I have a 16 yo dd who is estranged from my ex for different reasons, but I tried and tried for years to force a reunion between the two and it just led to more frustration. And from the sounds of your post, there's already a good bit of frustration present you don't want to add to it. It's a hard situation though, and I can sympathize with you. But my best advice is to let them mend their relationship in their own time. That's finally what I did and now my dd is extending the olive branch so to speak. It's up to her dad if he wants to accept it - which is usually where the trouble lies. But anyway, sit back and let the kids and your dh work this out.
As for your parents, you did NOT let them down. You're a grown woman in love with her husband who happens to have a mood disorder. If he's sincere about getting help and straightens up his act, then if you can salvage your marriage I should think everyone would be happy for you. And his parents, from the sounds of it, need to get a flippin' clue. If your dh is diagnosed bipolar then it sounds like your MIL will be eating some crow. It's never easy to hear that your child (no matter how old he/she is) has a mood disorder or mental illness and some people strike back as your in-laws have which is sad. But hopefully, once your dh gets help everyone will come around and things will go back to an even keel.
So just hang in there and see what pans out. I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like you've got a good handle on it right now. And it sounds like your dh is ready to get the help he needs. A positive step on his part and that's half the battle. I wish you luck. And feel free to post here as much as you want. We're glad you found us.
Hugs,
Traci