fantasizing again - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
fantasizing again - need advice
12
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 6:44am

Hello folks,

Two months into my A, my xAP started a relationship with someone but didn't tell me for several months, then told me in a cruel and gloating way,

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 7:38am

Do you have a hard time, "not winning"?

Does this make you feel like a loser?

Does it make you feel like you were used?

Tough questions, but if you are honest with yourself, you will see where you are headed.

It is the answers to hard questions that tell all.

She wasn't a prize. She may have turned you on but she isn’t exactly a prime candidate for being the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 9:43am

Rather,

Thanks - that is exactly what I needed, to be reminded of the core issues. You hit the nail on the head many times in your advice. The people I talked to most about it were two women and a man. Do you think talking

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 9:51am
J--everytime I have had the urge to fish. (plenty) I sit on my hands and play it out in mind to the end. What would I say? What could he say? How would all of it go? What you ALWAYS come around to is it's futility. At this point. NC since Nov, the is nothing that I could say that does not read as awkward and pathetic and there is nothing that he could say positive or negative that would make me feel better. Nothing. I think mostly I would be furious at him regardless and would only have to start from scratch on the NC counter.
You what they say about curiosity and the cat ;)

Everytime you play this little game with yourself the end result comes faster and then it's not even fun to play anymore. Try it. --C
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 10:26am

J-

just to address the issue of male/female confidants, some will meet my opinion with defensiveness but I feel that it sets up a very dangerous and unpredictable dynamic when people of the opposite sex share emotional intimacies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 10:32am
All very great points as at some point we have all fantasized about what was (or what we thought what was). This thread has helped my lingering thoughts a bit too, thanks! The fantasy was what the addiction was all about. On another note, you teach others how to treat you and your exAP has been awful. Set your parameters of what is acceptable and what is not. Contact again at this point would tell het it's ok to treat you this way.... Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 10:37am
I agree... She sounds like the type of girl who would get a kick out of hearing from you-"another fish on the hook". The only person this would hurt is you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 10:44am

You been given some great advice. Also remember that fantasizing is what keeps an A alive in our heads where most of our affair was lived anyway. It is unhealthy and self sabotaging. I am sure your T has already touched upon this.

Here is one of my favorite quotes:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 12:52pm

Thanks to everyone, I feel much stronger now! I went on a bike ride in the afternoon, came back and read the comments and made dinner for my wife (she was away all day with friends), and we're going to eat in a little while (we live in Europe).

About the friend, she's been my friend for 10 years with no problems, she's happily married and helped me more than the therapist or my male friend. But to be honest, I haven't needed her help much since NC (which she got me into, talking me over the phone into deleting emails etc) and lives in another country. Also our communications have been tapering off to less than once a month from almost every week when I was just at the end of the A.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 1:17pm

Since I originally brought this up, I’ll jump in and furnish my thoughts.

I am of the belief that men and women can NOT be real friends. The minute that you put that bond of confidence between each other it becomes something more than just friendship, and could as Dee mentioned, become something more on the other persons side of the relationship. Best to be forewarned and armed.

Since most affairs start as a friendship, move on to an emotional affair, and then to the physical affair it stands to reason that 1 + 2 = 3 that in the majority of cases affairs are made the same way.

I know there are exceptions. Most of us got here by NOT knowing how to establish the boundaries that are needed. With same sex friends you establish boundaries. For some reason this didn’t happen in our affairs.

Chemistry between people changes things. Look at your own marriage. Is the chemistry the same as it was in the beginning? Didn’t think so. Yet over the years you still have feelings for your spouse, sometimes intensified, sometimes not. Same with friendships. It goes on a curve also.

Why bait yourself? Why bait someone else? We already know we can’t trust ourselves. Can you trust others?

Just my thoughts, you are welcome to your own.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 1:37pm
I don't know about the never can be friends - have had lots of women friends because I'm in a field where we all have to work closely, but agree with you about why take a chance, especially now. I will take your warnings to heart.

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