fantasizing again - need advice
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fantasizing again - need advice
| Sun, 04-17-2011 - 6:44am |
Hello folks,
Two months into my A, my xAP started a relationship with someone but didn't tell me for several months, then told me in a cruel and gloating way,

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Do you have a hard time, "not winning"?
Does this make you feel like a loser?
Does it make you feel like you were used?
Tough questions, but if you are honest with yourself, you will see where you are headed.
It is the answers to hard questions that tell all.
She wasn't a prize. She may have turned you on but she isn’t exactly a prime candidate for being the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Rather,
Thanks - that is exactly what I needed, to be reminded of the core issues. You hit the nail on the head many times in your advice. The people I talked to most about it were two women and a man. Do you think talking
You what they say about curiosity and the cat ;)
Everytime you play this little game with yourself the end result comes faster and then it's not even fun to play anymore. Try it. --C
J-
just to address the issue of male/female confidants, some will meet my opinion with defensiveness but I feel that it sets up a very dangerous and unpredictable dynamic when people of the opposite sex share emotional intimacies.
You been given some great advice. Also remember that fantasizing is what keeps an A alive in our heads where most of our affair was lived anyway. It is unhealthy and self sabotaging. I am sure your T has already touched upon this.
Here is one of my favorite quotes:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Thanks to everyone, I feel much stronger now! I went on a bike ride in the afternoon, came back and read the comments and made dinner for my wife (she was away all day with friends), and we're going to eat in a little while (we live in Europe).
About the friend, she's been my friend for 10 years with no problems, she's happily married and helped me more than the therapist or my male friend. But to be honest, I haven't needed her help much since NC (which she got me into, talking me over the phone into deleting emails etc) and lives in another country. Also our communications have been tapering off to less than once a month from almost every week when I was just at the end of the A.
Since I originally brought this up, I’ll jump in and furnish my thoughts.
I am of the belief that men and women can NOT be real friends. The minute that you put that bond of confidence between each other it becomes something more than just friendship, and could as Dee mentioned, become something more on the other persons side of the relationship. Best to be forewarned and armed.
Since most affairs start as a friendship, move on to an emotional affair, and then to the physical affair it stands to reason that 1 + 2 = 3 that in the majority of cases affairs are made the same way.
I know there are exceptions. Most of us got here by NOT knowing how to establish the boundaries that are needed. With same sex friends you establish boundaries. For some reason this didn’t happen in our affairs.
Chemistry between people changes things. Look at your own marriage. Is the chemistry the same as it was in the beginning? Didn’t think so. Yet over the years you still have feelings for your spouse, sometimes intensified, sometimes not. Same with friendships. It goes on a curve also.
Why bait yourself? Why bait someone else? We already know we can’t trust ourselves. Can you trust others?
Just my thoughts, you are welcome to your own.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
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